A big joke for a big Joker

[edu0z]

When we born, no one asks for our opinion. We have this body, this life, this brain.
But what would we be like if we weren't born like this?
I guess this would be a crazy world if everyone had a choice at birth.
Our circumstances define us. When we wish we weren't born, we don't really wish we were never born.
From our subjective experience created from memories, small explosions of electricity in some corner of our head... What we really wish is not to have been born with this body, this life, this brain.

"I can still fix things"-whispers a voice in my head... getting weaker, I can barely hear it.
I can't stop laughing... but where's the funny?

It's okay, I accept it. I Can't. I can't be what I want to be. I am weak, and I am tired.
That's what you wanted, isn't it, Ivan?
You wanted to see how I gave up and there you have it.
After all these years... slowly, you've been waiting for this moment.

I know you will see this, I know you check my networks. I know you know me better than myself.
Well, you win Ivan, you were right...
It's a big joke for a big joker.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello Lorena,

I'm so sorry what you've endured, even though I hardly know what it has been. All I know are what you told us on this forum, but I feel like it has been a torture.

When we born, no one asks for our opinion. We have this body, this life, this brain.
But what would we be like if we weren't born like this?
I guess this would be a crazy world if everyone had a choice at birth.
Our circumstances define us. When we wish we weren't born, we don't really wish we were never born.
From our subjective experience created from memories, small explosions of electricity in some corner of our head... What we really wish is not to have been born with this body, this life, this brain.

I think, we can't make sound decision on whether we should be born or not, if we don't know what it's like to live as a human. I've been suicidal since 8, but before that, I wanted to live and I think I chose to be born if I had choice at birth. I learned how helpless I am the hard way.

"I can still fix things"-whispers a voice in my head... getting weaker, I can barely hear it.
I can't stop laughing... but where's the funny?

I guess you feel like you're on a sinking ship, and desperately trying to keep it afloat... and nobody is coming to rescue you.

It's okay, I accept it. I Can't. I can't be what I want to be. I am weak, and I am tired.
That's what you wanted, isn't it, Ivan?
You wanted to see how I gave up and there you have it.
After all these years... slowly, you've been waiting for this moment.

I don't know whether this question is appropriate, so please ignore if you don't like...

Spoiler: Trigger warning: A question about Ivan.

Lorena, Is Ivan a "persecutory alter", who tries to prevent actions which are potentially harmful to the system?
I read about it only on the internet, but it was extremely frightening.

Note:
Hello Ivan, nice to meet you, and sorry, I might have been a bit offensive to you, because i don't know how to be respectful to people in DID systems, even though I'm trying to be. But I wouldn't call you a persecutor - you are protecting edu0z's system I guess.

I wish all of you the best. Sorry if I'm naive, but I'm going to learn about DID and how to support systems. I'll never go away. I'll never give up.

Love,
LoiteringClouds