NightmareTour
Specialist
- May 13, 2020
- 398
I made myself a promise a year ago, on my birthday. I promised myself that if things weren't better a year later on my next birthday, I would finally let myself leave this world, guilt free.
It was a pretty shitty birthday. I was meant to be going out on a bar crawl with a group of my friends. Come the day, everyone had cancelled, except for one of my closest friends. Even he had somehow forgotten about the night out, and had brought his girlfriend over to his flat for the first time. So we stayed in. A few hours after hanging out in his flat, I went back to my own flat, and sat on my own. The realization came over me, not for the first time, that I was insignificant in the lives of everyone who was important to me. They all had people and things that were far more important to them than I was, and it had always been this way. Even though I had a good few friends at the time, and I made a lot of effort with them, I always just seemed to be the person who slipped through the cracks. Now that the novelty of my new flat had worn off, and the only real good thing in my life was the binge drinking nights out that I took every chance I got, I realised that this is probably how life would always be.
I was wrong. It got much worse. Over the past year, I spent 7 months in a relationship with one of my closest friends, who I thought was the love of my life, up until the first time they beat me to within an inch of my life. Even after that. Stupidly, I allowed it to be dismissed as just mental health problems, and pushed on, getting attacked verbally and sometimes physically on a pretty regular basis during these "episodes". I gave that relationship my all. I quit drinking, we both cut down on and tried to quit drugs. When we finally split, to "sort out our issues" to try things again, they immediately went back to their previous ex. Apparently they're seeking help with their mental health, too, something they never bothered to do while with me.
We moved to a new city while we were together, and I gave up my flat for a room in a shared house. In the end, going back to stay with my previously abusive mother and stepdad until I can find somewhere new to live was a better option than sharing a house with my ex and usually their new partner (along with a few of my ex's friends, and a couple of strangers who steal everyone's food from the kitchen and smoke crack in the living room). Time apart and being able to escape if things get too bad has kept things a little calmer here, but there are still moments when things are pretty tense. I grew up around heavy drinking here- I slipped up and ended up back on the alcohol, and with that, most of my progress with drugs disappeared too. It's the only thing that really makes me feel "normal" or "okay" for a while.
So, with a few months left, I think the universe has given me a pretty clear sign that things aren't going to improve. I'm still keeping up with the small amount of help I'm getting with my mental health and trying to find a new place, but I think this is just it for me. When things look up, it just seems to get a whole lot worse. I'm getting to the point where my physical health is getting worse by the day, I'm in constant physical pain, and my mental health is even worse. All I need now is my method.
It was a pretty shitty birthday. I was meant to be going out on a bar crawl with a group of my friends. Come the day, everyone had cancelled, except for one of my closest friends. Even he had somehow forgotten about the night out, and had brought his girlfriend over to his flat for the first time. So we stayed in. A few hours after hanging out in his flat, I went back to my own flat, and sat on my own. The realization came over me, not for the first time, that I was insignificant in the lives of everyone who was important to me. They all had people and things that were far more important to them than I was, and it had always been this way. Even though I had a good few friends at the time, and I made a lot of effort with them, I always just seemed to be the person who slipped through the cracks. Now that the novelty of my new flat had worn off, and the only real good thing in my life was the binge drinking nights out that I took every chance I got, I realised that this is probably how life would always be.
I was wrong. It got much worse. Over the past year, I spent 7 months in a relationship with one of my closest friends, who I thought was the love of my life, up until the first time they beat me to within an inch of my life. Even after that. Stupidly, I allowed it to be dismissed as just mental health problems, and pushed on, getting attacked verbally and sometimes physically on a pretty regular basis during these "episodes". I gave that relationship my all. I quit drinking, we both cut down on and tried to quit drugs. When we finally split, to "sort out our issues" to try things again, they immediately went back to their previous ex. Apparently they're seeking help with their mental health, too, something they never bothered to do while with me.
We moved to a new city while we were together, and I gave up my flat for a room in a shared house. In the end, going back to stay with my previously abusive mother and stepdad until I can find somewhere new to live was a better option than sharing a house with my ex and usually their new partner (along with a few of my ex's friends, and a couple of strangers who steal everyone's food from the kitchen and smoke crack in the living room). Time apart and being able to escape if things get too bad has kept things a little calmer here, but there are still moments when things are pretty tense. I grew up around heavy drinking here- I slipped up and ended up back on the alcohol, and with that, most of my progress with drugs disappeared too. It's the only thing that really makes me feel "normal" or "okay" for a while.
So, with a few months left, I think the universe has given me a pretty clear sign that things aren't going to improve. I'm still keeping up with the small amount of help I'm getting with my mental health and trying to find a new place, but I think this is just it for me. When things look up, it just seems to get a whole lot worse. I'm getting to the point where my physical health is getting worse by the day, I'm in constant physical pain, and my mental health is even worse. All I need now is my method.
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