eden101
Member
- Aug 12, 2024
- 61
can anyone comment with a similar story or tell me what to do. i feel like im trapped, i dont remember the last 6 years. after i dropped out of uni to "take care of my mental health", then i was on sasu straight away in 2019. and everything just got worse and worse and worse. 5 suicide attempts, no degree, never employed, just nothing. i dont think anyone will hire me. and i dont know what to do. finding similar stories doesnt help because people in them are living like me and nothing changes for them either. it feels like catching the bus is the only option. i was depressed at 15, maybe even before that, but im not sure. it clearly started at 15, i managed to finish school with all A's (every year) and got awarded for it. i got to uni, struggled through one year, then couldnt do it anymore. the anxiety, adhd and depression got to me. so i became no longer functional, i thought family would be my support system, but no one said much to me in these 6 or 5 years, im not even bothering counting how much its been. how do i recover from this? now i told myself im going to go online everyday, search for a job. i have a little tutoring gig, a couple students. i dropped it, but im going to resume it, its some money, and some money is good enough for me rn. im hoping to get more students but idk how. word of mouth helps, just people telling each other about it, thats how i got to three students. i was thinking of going back to getting a degree, but thats years wasted not working again. and i alreayd have a huge unexplainable gap. and no one is very empathetic if you skip time working due to illness, it doesnt even matter to people whether its depression or a physical illness, i've seen people be nasty to both. doesnt it make sense if someone is sick, especially with depression they will find it hard to work? or function? i could barely wash my hair and feed myself some days. i've been treated unkindly in school due to adhd (by my teachers) which caused me to "try harder", id sit sometimes, all night, reading school books, pulling all nighters in 7th grade. very tired, just to understand something. i didnt know i had adhd i didnt even know what it was (apparently i was diagnosed as a child but i forgot about it, i saw it on my card later). i tried very hard, always just stubborn, not accomadating to myself, but just trying to be and learn like everyone else, that caused me to burn out really badly. and i have never recovered, right now i feel like those past 5 years have made me more tired, when the purpose was the opposite, to rest and heal, i was suppose to take just one year off then get back to uni. i feel hopeless. i dont earn anything, i dont want to ask for money. i dont have anything. due to being bullied byb teachers, and also isolating for these 5 years, friends rarely visiting me, ive lost most of them anyway. im terrified of really even applying anywhere, its not like i applied to many places and they rejected me, its that it takes me so much anxiety to even apply. im agoraphobic too, but im trying to go outside everyday. i feel bad for spending money if im given some. im sitting on my super old chair, that broke off some more yesterday, i dont want to ask for anything. my mom told me i can go to a therapist and she will pay. i usually always rejected it, because its money, but im going to accept it this time. ive had a conversation with her, that made me feel like no one is against me, it eased up on me a bit. today i think im gonna apply to some jobs online. i feel awful due to having no experience, and having only those jobs available, i used to dream as a kid that i was going to have a career, i read somehwere that my experience is very typical for adhd women. maybe it makes sense. im just gonna try bit by bit, nothing can be changed now. im scared to work because im scared of being bullied by "authority" again, like in school. i remember how it was, and i dont want that repeated, and i have heard that working is just abuse after abuse after abuse. this was a very long rant. i wish i left it on a positive note, i still have so much more to say
