Venting 22 years continued to be wasted, still too scared to die

[puppybrained]

22 years and i've done nothing, i just lost my only real friend of my entire life, haven't worked a job longer than a day 3 years ago, have never really been happy, i ruin all my relationships and friendships, i've given up on all my hobbies and interests. the only thing i have going for me is my boyfriend, and i keep fucking things up and he's getting more fed up by the day. i've been so miserable for so long, and i can't imagine a better life, nor do i really desire it. i really do feel like a pathetic loser. i'm going nowhere with my life, and i probably never will. i always end up back at square 1.
as pitiful and meaningless as my life is, i'm still too scared and lazy to do anything, which is just the kind of person i am about everything. i have my family and bf who i think would be devastated if i died, and part of me resents them for expecting me to live. i'm scared to fail and have to face them, i don't want to deal with the guilt and humiliation. i also naively want to have some big 'aha!' moment, where i finally get the desire to live and change myself. i don't know what it will take to get there, i don't think i ever will.
i don't know what the point of my post is. i'm tired of fighting with myself, and i wish i wasn't such a pussy. the inability to act just makes me feel worse about myself. does anyone else feel like they can't reach their final breaking point, despite everything?

 

[Iloveher]

It can always be worse , I am 40 and ive not achieved much in life.
Youre not a coward , perhaps you havent acted on CBT because you havent given up on yourself yet. Youre so young still , you literally have your whole life ahead , what you have done so far doesnt matter because theres still enough time to start building on your life.
Don't give up so early, as a 40 year old I can tell you that my mindset is much different now than when I was you age so yours will change too with time. You will get new perspectives on life and things so dont give up on yourself so early.
What I wouldnt give to be your age again with what I know now.

 

[puppybrained]

It can always be worse , I am 40 and ive not achieved much in life.
Youre not a coward , perhaps you havent acted on CBT because you havent given up on yourself yet. Youre so young still , you literally have your whole life ahead , what you have done so far doesnt matter because theres still enough time to start building on your life.
Don't give up so early, as a 40 year old I can tell you that my mindset is much different now than when I was you age so yours will change too with time. You will get new perspectives on life and things so dont give up on yourself so early.
What I wouldnt give to be your age again with what I know now.

thank you for the thought. i know i'm still young, it just feels like i've never made any progress and i don't feel like i ever will. it would be nice if i could look back in 20 years and feel like i finally made it. i don't have a lot of hope for that, but i still appreciate the encouragement.

 

[F&Inside]

Hello, regarding the topic of hobbies, have you tried hobbies that bring something to yourself (like reading) i mean things that don't make you feel like you are wasting your time?
This really helped me a lot

 

[IWishIWasAFlower]

I'm 32 now and havent done much in my life to date. Don't feel like a failure anymore tho, kind of accepted that my path in life isnt the most straight one. When i was 22 i dropped out of University, stopped talking to most people in my life and basicly spent the next 2 years in my room not doing much. Ended up hospitalized and tried different medication and therapy, some helped some not so much.
In hindsight i was too scared to even face my problems so i had to hit my rock bottom before i was ready to change anything. Part of me wishes i would have been able to do that earlier, part of me wishes i just had ctb'ed back then.
With 22 however, you do have plenty of time and oppertunities to accomplish almost everything you want.