Help 2 years after SN and i’m still recovering.

[Aleksandra]

i used to post on here quite frequently and then i had to pull away after a failed SN attempt, it's about to hit the 2 year mark and i don't think i've recovered even a little mentally.

essentially what drove me to it in the first place was suffering so many traumas and at the time i wasn't ready to talk about my current abuse i was going through with my ex partner. i had lost work because i would be so beaten up, then he blamed me on financial struggles. so i was in an everlasting cycle of mental and physical abuse.. i've been through it most my life but for some reason, i can't recover from that. i've gotten worse since lockdown. i've developed agoraphobia since impulse moving to a scandinavian country. i can't hold down a job, i can't let myself have any friends and i find myself just feeling lonely.

to top all this off, my mother finally sealed the deal and decided to rob my step dad of £300k (pension money) so she could go off to thailand and confirm her affair. leaving my 13-17 year old siblings. i still don't forgive her, she was my first abuser.

i used to be an open book but even now even though i'm not sure who i'm writing to or for, that i'm still bottling up emotions... i can't mentally process what i went through with my ex and i've tried therapy and it didn't work. does it ever get better? i feel no better than i did 2 years ago. i still feel the same.

 

[timf]

First congratulations on surviving the last two years.

There are people who experience tragedy like those who get cancer, are in a car accident, or crippled combat veterans. However, those who survive child abuse have an extra difficulty. Many of the developmental patterns established in an unhealthy childhood are carried with one into adulthood and continue to work against us.

The key to breaking unhealthy patterns can lie in seeing them for what they are and how they formed. This can provide a perspective that can free one to consider alternatives and even experiment with different patterns.

I do not know if this is a pattern for you but it is rather common and can work as an illustration. A child can be abused by a parent who attacks them as being worthless or always deficient in some way. As the child grows, they can be attracted to others who continue this pattern because it is what has become familiar.

Some use anger at being so mistreated to break this type of pattern However, that can be dangerous and even contribute to the poison of bitterness.

It might be helpful to experiment with social encounters where people might be indifferent or even simply friendly like with volunteer work. This might give some experience with a wider spectrum of personalities. This in turn might help you relate better to those less inclined to continue abuse.

 

[dandan]

thats a sad story...
Can't get over some of my stories myself... so I feel you.
It would be easy to say,. 'get over them', but I know how that seems not to happen...

So what do we do?
Damm, im in recovery with TRT which that takes most of my depression away :D
but REALITY and real-life its a challenge everyday....

lets just live today and NOW and ... and I dont know hahahaha damm, feeling kind a screwed up
but also a little hope, dont you feel a little tiny spec of hope somewhere?

Some innie winnie tiny little hope? at least my hard-core suicidal feelings went away with TRT and also other steroid which it aint very healthy, Dianabol, but hey, Im doing medical checkup and such.

okay back to this , really talking and going out helps me, but its also makes me realize my financial issues are bigger than how I was screwed up by a family member, DAD,
Blaming is useless, I just realized that deep inside today
and decided to visit sanctioned suicide cause I feel like shit, im also responsible for allowing to be thought by him

 

[Aleksandra]

thank you @dandan & @timf for the encouraging words!

i have BPD (borderline), cptsd and adhd and currently untreated since 2018. i know my next step is to see a doctor but my agoraphobia is not really helping.. i haven't left the house since i moved to norway in march 2020. i feel like i've imprisoned myself as a form of punishment but i understand now it's just a matter of slowly picking myself back up

as for bad patterns it's well known in BPD that we get attracted to narcissists (bpd + npd = bad news) my last relationship has made me incapable of wanting to even find new love so there's no issue on continuing the cycle.

thank you again

 

[Remember-Me-Not]

Life really stacked the odds against you. I'm proud that you're still surviving.

I understand that feeling of still being affected by the past. What you experienced is trauma, and the very nature of trauma is that it lingers for a while.

I think the most reassuring thing for myself is that knowing it will get better - but also the realistic thing is that it will take time, and won't be easy.

Please be patient with yourself. Give your self grace - you're already trying your best. I know it can be hard and good luck.

 

[Kattt]

I'm not going to try and tell you to be happy because you've been through a fuckload of shit.
Abusive partners are usually narcissistic so inevitably blame you for everything bad, to the point where you believe it.
It's going to take time and probably considerable therapy to start to move on.
Maybe try writing therapy in the meantime. you can write it all down, which helps you see things straighter and the old adage of a problem shared, applies here.
Then you can destroy it or I find many people enjoy the catharsis of burning it