"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[stillunemployed]

I'm sorry. Parents are difficult Sometimes, avoiding a fight is the best way to win. Growing up, I learned that I had to avoid my dad, or if caught, simply agreeing with him. This technique allowed me to escape quickly as opposed to endure his tirades. I hope you can find a way to avoid a daily blow up with your father - it's not helpful for either of you, but especially you.

no im done avoiding. its what he always expected of me. to be afraid of him. probably not gonna end well, but fuck him forever.

 

[HighFlight]

...be afraid of him.

I never said be afraid, I simply said avoid confrontation. After what my dad did to my mom, I vowed I would never be afraid of him. That I would stand up and physically fight if that's what it took. So you do what you need to do.

But a more peaceful approach; not engaging in arguments, indifference towards him, etc., m ight help demonstrate that you are no longer under his control. I don't know your whole story, so you need to do what feels right to you.

Wishing you all the best regardless of the approach you take.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Morning all!

Journalling - any tips/tricks I am missing here? I don't find it helps me at all. Either sit there no clue where to start or I start spinning all over the place with all sorts of thoughts / memories / frustrations / unresolved conflicts that I can no way note down. And I find I don't see the point in trying to note it down to make sense - it just doesn't. Have to imagine it as if I am word vomiting it all out in the hope there is someone who could pick up the pieces and make sense for me. Which obviously they can't / won't...

 

[sadrainbow]

Did you feel better in the time you were away?

I was doing ok. Some days, I felt down, but I just kept going on with my life and university work.
When I'm in my down period, I just take a day off to sleep, I sleep for about 16 hours to a day. It depends...

What has been going on the last period?

I'm feeling really anxious, I hate to get out of my house and have to see other people, so I try to stay in my place for a while to not feel overwhelmed, but my dad keeps trying to talk to me, calling me and I don't answer because I know that he will try to talk to me about how we should go out and that like this I'm not trying to get better or he will just talk about how he feels, and I can't handle it right now.
There are some moments that I feel like I'm the parent of my mom and dad, I know they want to just go off on how they feel, but I can't take it every time, I already told them that I feel this way and that I understand them but they should look into therapy because I can't do it anymore, everything in the family -mom, dad and lil sister- they all come to me like I'm the solid base of the house, but they doing that ruins my mental health and I feel sad at the same time because they want to count on me but I can't let them.

That's it for my latest vent on how things are going. Thank you for reading until here!♥︎

 

[soulkitty]

PLEASE don't feel bad or apologize. It happens, and I actually got a little laugh out of it. I fall into the group that is notorious for misgendering people. If it helps, I completely misgendered a person on this site for months. They were a wonderful friend, but I simply assumed their gender. They finally told me right before they left.

Ahhhh thank you for saying not to feel bad I was worrying about it so much the other night lmaooo. Im glad it didn't affect you negatively or anything and that you got a little laugh out of it lol! :)

I'm glad you had an alright day, and that journaling has been helping

Thank you!! I'm starting to feel a bit better as the days go by, putting my energy into trying to recover although it feels like an uphill battle ;^^ I hope this upcoming week goes better for you btw thank you for being so supportive towards everyone

im done. ive neglected myself long enough. im not going to let someone use my history against me. or my brain. fuck that.

I'm so proud of you it can be so hard to step away from someone who is damaging your mental health especially when you love that person and are close to them

Journalling - any tips/tricks I am missing here?

I don't know if it could help you but personally I numbered all of the pages in my journal and made a table of contents. You could add things that make it more fun for you or simple things when you don't feel like writing a whole journal entry (I chose doodling, writing down kind things people have said to me, movies/shows/music I enjoy)

You could also write down your thoughts / memories / frustrations / unresolved conflicts into different sections. Like have a page dedicated to each one and jotting it down when you think of it so it's not all crammed into one entry. It might make it easier to dissect your thoughts/feelings. I've been trying to jot down my behavior/thought patterns whenever I catch myself noticing them. I don't know if you like to decorate stuff but I decorated my journal a bunch which helps with motivating to write in it. Also writing down small goals even if it's just getting up from bed or taking a shower

 

[stillunemployed]

Good Morning! Winners win a Friday today!

 

[DandiFynalicious]

Hi. I am talking to a void of people I don't know and who don't know me so sorry in advance if I am posting in error.

I don't really want to die I just feel like at some point I won't be able to stop myself. I wish I could get better. I wish I didn't want to die. I'm so tired of hating myself and hating life. I've tried just about everything except ketamine and ECT. If none of the cures work, could that mean I'm not actually sick? I am not disordered, the world is disordered.

 

[HighFlight]

Hi @DandiFynalicious, Welcome! You've come to the right place, although I'm sorry life has brought you to this point.

I feel very much the same way, although my CTB thoughts have subsided quite a bit. I have tried a bunch of different medications and therapy to no avail. Although I recently started taking low doses of Ketamine daily and that has helped. Things feel "lighter", not so heavy or depressive. Still a long way to go, but it's a start.

If none of the cures work, could that mean I'm not actually sick?

I've had this thought many times myself. I sometimes feel like an imposter. But I really just invalidating my own feelings. Mental Health issues are not as straight-forward as, say, a broken arm. The diagnosis can take a long time, and finding the right treatment for you can sometimes be more trial and error. Don't give up hope.

If you need anything, or just want to talk, feel free to send me a dm.

 

[Lullaby]

Hey everyone,

I feel like it's so surprising that I'm not on here as much anymore, my depression has been so bad for months and it really feels like I've lost all motivation.

A month ago, my psychiatrist wanted me to try Prozac again. I have a super hard time taking pills, and I've tried Prozac before but I couldn't deal with swallowing capsules.

She told me there was a liquid form and I've been on it since then. First it was just a small dose to test things out, and now I've moved up to 20mg a week ago.

It's the first time I think I've ever been consistent with taking medication, and I've been on and off for a really long time.

I honestly don't feel any different, and I even woke up this morning feeling more depressed, but I feel hopeful knowing that I'm trying at least and looking forward to see if anything improves? Maybe it's one of those "you feel worse before you get better" sort of things.

Hope you all are hanging in there too, you're doing the best you can

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Next rant of conflict/confusion.

How do I accept that I can never try my best - I know I could always have done/tried more/ been better. Historically in sports and academic/uni settings, and general work environments, I have always been able to see how I could have pushed a bit more/been less lazy.

One of the phrases that gets thrown around so much is along the lines of 'all you can do is your best'. That just sets me off in knowing that I very rarely have and not being ok with that. Yet selfishly still achieving reasonable standards without fully 'giving it my all' - so there's those doubts of 'what could be' if I actually committed. But I do try a bit and like to think I am 'committed' / 'reliable' - sort of core values for me. But I can never see past gaps in my effort.

Also made worse in formal/society where it is impossible to ask for feedback because I know hand-on-heart I could have done more, so no matter what is said, it feels like an embarrassing look in the mirror that I already knew what I should be doing/trying. Yet the classic dilemma of 'asking for help' essentially sends me into this spiral of being told what I know I'm not doing. But there's always more I could have done/tried. So it is rude and wastes peoples time asking them for help/advice etc when I know exactly what I should/could be doing but I am not. Urgh.

 

[surroundedbydemons]

Journalling - any tips/tricks I am missing here? [...] And I find I don't see the point in trying to note it down to make sense - it just doesn't.

(expanding on soulkitty's reply):

You write down your thoughts and experiences so you can analyze them later - that is the goal.

For instance, if you're struggling with focus, jot down what's distracting you. Over time, you'll spot patterns and identify specific distractions. This will help you to think of ways to improve your behavior or remove the distracting item.

Basically, you note something you don't like (like getting distracted), group similar issues, and then think of ways to solve them.

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning, and winners win a whole weekend!

 

[ViperFish]

Next rant of conflict/confusion.

How do I accept that I can never try my best - I know I could always have done/tried more/ been better. Historically in sports and academic/uni settings, and general work environments, I have always been able to see how I could have pushed a bit more/been less lazy.

One of the phrases that gets thrown around so much is along the lines of 'all you can do is your best'. That just sets me off in knowing that I very rarely have and not being ok with that. Yet selfishly still achieving reasonable standards without fully 'giving it my all' - so there's those doubts of 'what could be' if I actually committed. But I do try a bit and like to think I am 'committed' / 'reliable' - sort of core values for me. But I can never see past gaps in my effort.

Also made worse in formal/society where it is impossible to ask for feedback because I know hand-on-heart I could have done more, so no matter what is said, it feels like an embarrassing look in the mirror that I already knew what I should be doing/trying. Yet the classic dilemma of 'asking for help' essentially sends me into this spiral of being told what I know I'm not doing. But there's always more I could have done/tried. So it is rude and wastes peoples time asking them for help/advice etc when I know exactly what I should/could be doing but I am not. Urgh.

i dont think its fair to say you can NEVER try your best but I certainly resonate with this. i didnt do well in uni. it was a nightmare honestly and i always always look back on it and see what i could have done better or thought yeah if i didnt go out drinking the other weekend maybe i wouldnt be trying to blast this report out with 30 mins to my deadline.

i think i found a lot of calm after leaving uni and thinking that at any specific moment i look back on really that was my all. it wasnt my best certainly but it was at that moment everything i had to give it. so i try and carry that on a bit in life and think if something im doing sucks that damn maybe i could put a bit more into this and even if i only give it 10% more its still better than i would have. if i think back about my past too much im gonna rot away in the present so i try not to let it impact me anymore and just focus on there here and now. i used to think that damn id be a big league programmer if i just cared to give a damn but now im alright doing what i do in engineering. all those should have could have would haves are just gonna eat you away for life.

the asking for feedback is real tho i have major anxiety at work and constantly want to ask if im doing a good job but society makes that sound terrible so i dont and then i overthink every interaction i have. i dont think its rude to ask again and again though cos it certainly sticks in your head after a while. again its that "god all these chores suck im gonna half arse it and get it out the way... wait no i always do that okay im gonna do this first one properly and then half arse the rest" and eventually that becomes more and more if that makes sense.

sorry for rambling, this is my first post so sorry if i have broken any rules or anything i did my best to read them but its mega late. hope everyones having a nice start to their weekend

 

[stillunemployed]

(expanding on soulkitty's reply):

You write down your thoughts and experiences so you can analyze them later - that is the goal.

For instance, if you're struggling with focus, jot down what's distracting you. Over time, you'll spot patterns and identify specific distractions. This will help you to think of ways to improve your behavior or remove the distracting item.

Basically, you note something you don't like (like getting distracted), group similar issues, and then think of ways to solve them.

I try to study, to focus, yet my first instinct is to escape. Games, porn, show, whatever and those don't work anymore.
I cannot move past my trauma, because I still have to live next to my father and the only thing I really want is to finally forget he exists or ever existed.

 

[Life_and_Death]

ptsd nightmares....ugh.....

first i had a nightmare where both of my cats were dying
truth - i lost one a year and almost a week ago.. and at the exact same time my other cat had stitches.... i had to choose between staying home with one that might lick her stitches open and come back with her guts over the floor or go with my exhus to the emerg vet just to find out she wasnt coming home with me..... (thankfully the first one didnt lick her stitches out)......

ok lets try sleeping again..

second, family rejection and gaslighting and fuck i miss him....
truth - the last time i talked to my "adopted grandmother" she got upset that i choose to be a responsible person (at 16) instead of going to see her (didnt say i wouldnt, just that it couldnt be that day or had to be later in the day or something)
so i had a nightmare where for some reason i was at a family gathering and everyone started yelling at me and blaming me.... "its because youre with him!!!" (my exhus) and because the divorce isnt official i didnt feel like i could say anything (just earlier he mentioned im still his wife..) ...i was in a house...no matter what room i went into i was being yelled at and gaslighted...i couldnt get away....then i saw my little brother and irl hes always asking to see me so i just had to give him a hug, meanwhile everyone is still yelling at me...

edit: im starting to wonder if part of the trigger for the second nightmare was my bf mentioning not wanting to be open about our relationship "because im with him"

theres no peace in my waking hours and theres no peace in my sleeping ones......

i want to cry.....................

 

[ConfusedClouds]

i dont think its fair to say you can NEVER try your best but I certainly resonate with this. i didnt do well in uni. it was a nightmare honestly and i always always look back on it and see what i could have done better or thought yeah if i didnt go out drinking the other weekend maybe i wouldnt be trying to blast this report out with 30 mins to my deadline.

i think i found a lot of calm after leaving uni and thinking that at any specific moment i look back on really that was my all. it wasnt my best certainly but it was at that moment everything i had to give it. so i try and carry that on a bit in life and think if something im doing sucks that damn maybe i could put a bit more into this and even if i only give it 10% more its still better than i would have. if i think back about my past too much im gonna rot away in the present so i try not to let it impact me anymore and just focus on there here and now. i used to think that damn id be a big league programmer if i just cared to give a damn but now im alright doing what i do in engineering. all those should have could have would haves are just gonna eat you away for life.

the asking for feedback is real tho i have major anxiety at work and constantly want to ask if im doing a good job but society makes that sound terrible so i dont and then i overthink every interaction i have. i dont think its rude to ask again and again though cos it certainly sticks in your head after a while. again its that "god all these chores suck im gonna half arse it and get it out the way... wait no i always do that okay im gonna do this first one properly and then half arse the rest" and eventually that becomes more and more if that makes sense.

sorry for rambling, this is my first post so sorry if i have broken any rules or anything i did my best to read them but its mega late. hope everyones having a nice start to their weekend

Thats a great response for a first post, thanks so much for your thoughts. Welcome and I hope you are also able to find advice and support here that helps you through others and the various resources.

 

[stillunemployed]

morning sunday people

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Suddenly all active on this thread, apologies. Not sure if best here, but seems unnecessary to create new threads and its selfishly nice to be 'heard' here rather than just ranting gobbledegook on my profile into the locked void.

Next dilemma/thought/frustration. Am a very all or nothing person. Sitting around is not great for me. I have just started night shifts at a local big supermarket stacking shelves. And it seems to really suit me. I think. 'Doing'/on feet/using hands. Not a 24h store so no customers overnight so just in my own wee world and can make a huge mess throwing packaging everywhere in the aisle, music playing. All autopilot and zero stress/responsibility (thankfully am now old enough to know to ignore up-tight managers trying to pressurise faster and faster working - I will just do my thing at my pace, saying that I like to be kept busy and generally have a good work ethic so I'm not exactly slacking). Another positive is that it tires me out so I sleep easier and gives me structure needing to be strict to sleep hours to try minimising the mess of switching between normal and nocturnal. More permission to myself for lazing around the house between shifts. I actually have reason / external motivation to look after myself so I don't mess up for others / let the team down. And night pay is way better than day for short term building up savings again. It seems to be stopping me hitting the alcohol or binging, and getting tiny cardboard cuts and scrapes all over my hands from dry skin and opening packaging (natural job hazard) is giving me the sh sensations of 'actually feeling' which helps me stay grounded too. It just all adds up and works for me.

It just feels odd that it seems to fit for me when society would only look 'down' at the job and most folk on the job/in the team comment about how shit it is. And if I tried to explain to anyone then they would question it. I'm a graduate from 12 years ago with a ton of work experience from all sorts of sectors. It doesn't 'add up' on paper.

Maybe after a few more weeks, I'll do my usual get bored and burn out and annoyed and throw my toys out my pram at something stupidly small. But its also only a summer season contract so there's also a deadline which is a get out - keep autopilot my now new routine until mid Sept - too busy to doubt/think/ruminate/process. But also means I am actually now seeing ahead to Sept rather than getting overwhelmed thinking / planning past the next few days.

Thanks as ever for all just 'being there'

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning, dont you just fucking love mondays

 

[HighFlight]

Wow, the weekend goes so fast.

First, I'm seeing several new name posting, and would like to welcome ervyone - @ViperFish, @surroundedbydemons, @Lullaby, and @sadrainbow .

I remember @sadwriter talking...

I happy to announce that @sadwriter has stopped logging into SaSu while they focus on their recovery irl. They said they would check in every now and then. Last I heard, they were integrating into a live support group. There had been some setbacks, but as we need to remember, recovery is not linear. You will have good and bad days.

this is my first post so sorry if i have broken any rules or anything i did my best to read them but its mega late.

I have to agree with @ConfusedClouds - Great response and first post to this thread.

@soulkitty, @surroundedbydemons - Thank you for your insights on Journaling. Just a thought, but any interest in putting together a thread dedicated to "how to journal". I think it would be a great addition to the recovery resources.

There are some moments that I feel like I'm the parent of my mom and dad, I know they want to just go off on how they feel, but I can't take it every time, I already told them that I feel this way and that I understand them but they should look into therapy because I can't do it anymore, everything in the family -mom, dad and lil sister- they all come to me like I'm the solid base of the house, but they doing that ruins my mental health and I feel sad at the same time because they want to count on me but I can't let them.

I've been the de facto support system for my extended family. I've paid the price over the years and have lost myself in the process. My question to you is "who is your support system?"

I came across this video by Simon Sinek on LinkedIn and it resonated with me. I thought this would be the best time to share.

[Video] Simon Sinek on LinkedIn: When you're struggling, here's a way you can reach out. It's what I do… | 1,324 comments

When you're struggling, here's a way you can reach out. It's what I do with those closest to me. It can take as little as 8 minutes to feel not alone… | 1,324 comments on LinkedIn

www.linkedin.com

Not sure if best here, but seems unnecessary to create new threads and its selfishly nice to be 'heard' here rather than just ranting gobbledegook on my profile into the locked void.

Obviously, you are welcome to start a new thread if you want. But you are heard here, and there are a number of people actively reading and responding to as many as time allows. You're doing fine, and your contributions are welcome here.

@Life_and_Death, You've posted several times and I haven't had a good opportunity to respond. I cannot image all that you are having to go through right now. I do hope that you are remembering that your responsibility is to take care of yourself first, then taking care of others. Please remember to Be Kind to Yourself.

Well its late here, and I have to get up for work in the morning. (I hate Monday's.) As always, if you need any assistance with the site, or just want someone to talk with, I am open to dm's, and will respond the next time I'm online..

Peace!

 

[soulkitty]

@soulkitty, @surroundedbydemons - Thank you for your insights on Journaling. Just a thought, but any interest in putting together a thread dedicated to "how to journal". I think it would be a great addition to the recovery resources.

That would actually be so much fun! I have some ideas of what to put in the thread such as apps for journaling, links to journal-with-me videos, random journal prompt generator. Plus other info, tips, and strategies. Also the useful information that @surroundedbydemons gave

 

[Life_and_Death]

@Life_and_Death, You've posted several times and I haven't had a good opportunity to respond. I cannot image all that you are having to go through right now. I do hope that you are remembering that your responsibility is to take care of yourself first, then taking care of others. Please remember to Be Kind to Yourself.

thats ok @HighFlight, you cant be expected to respond to everyone. do what you can and take care of yourself you dont have to hold the weight of the site on your shoulders
thank you for getting back to me in some way, even if not directly responding to my posts

That would actually be so much fun! I have some ideas of what to put in the thread such as apps for journaling, links to journal-with-me videos, random journal prompt generator. Plus other info, tips, and strategies. Also the useful information that @surroundedbydemons gave

i currently have 6-7 journals for different types of journaling if you would like some ideas/input

 

[soulkitty]

i currently have 6-7 journals for different types of journaling if you would like some ideas/input

That's awesome!! I only just started journaling a couple weeks ago haha. Any ideas or input you can think of would be great, thank you so much do you have a favorite type of journaling btw?

 

[Adûnâi]

I've been feeling super terribly these past two days. Rather bored. Again on the verge of abandoning my future gf (IQ diff). Also, my mom entertaining the idea of maiming me in Bakhmut (and I can't tell where her delusion ends and mine begins).

Also, yesterday was the anniversary of my Conversation with the now-dead JP girl (2023-05-20), and it puts things into perspective. All so dull.

On the constructive side, I have found out that this new cable finally enables the transfer of files from my phone to the PC! Yay, apparently, the deal was with the cable my past phone had worked fine, so I thought it ought to have been the software).

I could try out Holocure or Vampire Survivors on the phone.

 

[Life_and_Death]

That's awesome!! I only just started journaling a couple weeks ago haha. Any ideas or input you can think of would be great, thank you so much do you have a favorite type of journaling btw?

my favourite? hmmmmmm not that i can think, right off. i feel they all have their place. (i just need to use them more often XD)

so theres the general daily journaling but then i also have: (and the ones im using more recently)

my achievements journal - anything i "achieved"/am proud of myself for. basic things like showering. or trying new foods

my gratitude journal - a list of things im grateful for to go back a refer to

my confessional journal - i messed up/did something wrong/hurt someone. i recognized my mistake (believing everyone is their own god) i give myself forgiveness and learn my lesson.

my happiness calendar journal - i have a list of things i got off the internet (just google happiness calendar) and i use a random number generator to pick one and i do it that day and write about it

then theres a couple i shared here before

my colour check in journal - https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/colour-coded-check-in.147073/

and

my rose check in journal - https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/rose-check-in.147071/

 

[soulkitty]

my favourite? hmmmmmm not that i can think, right off. i feel they all have their place. (i just need to use them more often XD)

so theres the general daily journaling but then i also have: (and the ones im using more recently)

my achievements journal - anything i "achieved"/am proud of myself for. basic things like showering. or trying new foods

my gratitude journal - a list of things im grateful for to go back a refer to

my confessional journal - i messed up/did something wrong/hurt someone. i recognized my mistake (believing everyone is their own god) i give myself forgiveness and learn my lesson.

my happiness calendar journal - i have a list of things i got off the internet (just google happiness calendar) and i use a random number generator to pick one and i do it that day and write about it

then theres a couple i shared here before

my colour check in journal - https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/colour-coded-check-in.147073/

and

my rose check in journal - https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/rose-check-in.147071/

Auuu thank you, I love these ideas!!! Especially the confessional journal, I never thought of that. I like how you put it, believing everyone is their own god. If it's okay to ask, what helped you get started on journaling? Do you have any tips for beginners? Also is it alright if I link the ones you shared on SaSu in the thread I'm making? :) I love the color coded check in one

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning

 

[HighFlight]

good morning

Good morning! And look on the brightside... Monday is over.

 

[vak]

good morning

Morning! My recovery partner is traveling for a few days, so I'll be bothering you all here to keep myself sane and avoid falling back into isolation, undoing my progress

 

[Life_and_Death]

I like how you put it, believing everyone is their own god.

thats just my personal belief because everyone is capable of making their own decisions and i couldnt get behind any of the pre-determined religions

If it's okay to ask, what helped you get started on journaling?

the general every day type journaling is something ive been doing off and on most of my life. so thats a little difficult to pinpoint. just because its "something people do" i guess. as far as all the specific ones i mentioned, i spend a lot of my time doing research, therapy, and wicca mostly. so sometimes i just trip across things and go " i like that idea" and either its good the way it is or i change it to work for me (like the confessional one. i think that started off as a "church god" type thing, but not being my beliefs, i tweaked it a little)

Do you have any tips for beginners?

find what works best for you.
i personally dont try to stress filling them out. you dont always have something you want to say, or maybe it was a mediocre day so theres not much to add. thats ok.
and it doesnt hurt to add pictures, clippings ect. theres no reason a journal cant be like a scrapbook. it is your book after all, treat it the way that works best for you.
and if something isnt working out (As you can tell from my list of different journals ), theres different options, and probably some im missing/dont know about. so dont worry if its not for you, just try again.

Also is it alright if I link the ones you shared on SaSu in the thread I'm making? :) I love the color coded check in one

of course you can, i didnt share them to not be shared