Venting Zero. Why?

[Lilythefenfen]

You know, been a while since I posted one of these. In the last time I've posted one I've gotten some antiemetics, I've gotten some SN. Made a suicide note. And even made a plan to CTB the 21'st. As that date comes closer I'm left with a single question that's been pounding in my head for the past few days?

Why?

Why did they have to hurt me, why do the people who say they love me ignore me when I begged them to help? Why am I stuck in such agonizing mental and physical pain? I've lately put on this mask of "haha, I'm funny and happy. Don't worry about me!"

In reality, beneath that mask is a sad pathetic POS who can't comprehend why anything is happening anymore… it's terrifying even to myself. The question gives me a headache every single second of every single day. I'm in pain. I need it to stop.

I'm still going to that concert on the 21'st, but now I'm left with that choice. CTB and end it? Or keep fucking lying to myself that things are ok and to hold on for just ONE MORE DAY. What would you do?

I guess I'm writing this just to show that I existed at one point, to show that I breathed just like anyone else. I'm terrified of being forgotten, but at the same time I want to be forgotten so that my memory doesn't bring pain to anyone Anymore. I just want to sleep finally, but there's some things I still need to do before I do.

Forever sleepy and Love you all, Lily.

 

[Unbelonging]

I think I understand how you feel. I don't set ctb dates because it gives me too much pressure, but sometimes I'm in the right mindset with relatively little SI, with no one home, and I could ctb, but I always find some excuse to delay it. For example, I tell myself that before I go, I should do some chores, or that I should wait for a few weeks until some special occasion in my family (birthday, anniversary, etc) has passed.

I know that I can keep coming up with these excuses and delaying my ctb for the rest of my life if I wanted to. I think I'm doing this because I'm not completely ready for ctb yet, but I don't want to accept the fact that I'm not ready, so I just use excuses to stall for time. I'm conflicted, and I apologize if I misinterpreted your post, but you also sound conflicted. I think that you should try to face your situation honestly and accept the state of your life, because that's how you'll be able to find a solution. If you accept the problems that are happening to you, instead of lying to yourself that you're okay, it will be easier for you to choose to either recover or ctb. In your post you say you want to ctb, but you don't sound completely happy with and accepting of your choice, and ctb is always easier when you wholeheartedly want to die, and when you're completely certain in your decision. I hope that whether you change your mind, or go ahead with ctb'ing, you are able to calmly and clearly choose the option you choose and be completely happy with your decision, and that you have no regrets afterward. Best wishes

 

[Lilythefenfen]

I think I understand how you feel. I don't set ctb dates because it gives me too much pressure, but sometimes I'm in the right mindset with relatively little SI, with no one home, and I could ctb, but I always find some excuse to delay it. For example, I tell myself that before I go, I should do some chores, or that I should wait for a few weeks until some special occasion in my family (birthday, anniversary, etc) has passed.

It definitely feels like the brains always doing that, maybe it's some for of SI in it's last ditch attempt to occupy us so we don't shut it off for the last time. Haha…

I'm so sorry that your life has led you here. I appreciate the best wishes for whatever decision I make.

 

[Pluto]

Even if people do care, they have to understand what we are going through to be of help. It's times like this that having a genuinely supportive family makes the difference between life and death. But for us, we have to watch out for people who do not have the patience or understanding to genuinely help, not to mention people who will actually take advantage of us.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me existence really is just too cruel, I find it so horrible how humans create so much unnecessary suffering. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans, it's certainly understandable just wishing for permanent sleep.