“You’re in a bad situation”

[willitpass]

My psychiatrist told this to me today. I've had a therapist tell me they needed a week to try and think of possible ways to help me. A nurse at the first inpatient I was at this time around told me they didn't have any good answers because I'm in such a rough spot. Even in the highest levels of care for the sickest of the sick, people are telling me how horrible things are for me. Nobody has told me I'm going to kill myself, obviously that would be unethical, but they seem to be at a loss for what to say. It seems like the closest to "you're going to die" as they can get. I'm truly a hopeless case. I am so ready to go.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I am in a hopeless situation as well.
I just get platitudes from my Dr but
I believe he knows my situation is terminal. It's only a matter of time before my depression kills me.

 

[Blue Dream]

If you don't want help, then what do you want?

 

[opheliaoveragain]

always glad to hear from you no matter what. I relate to them getting to the point of running out of shit. given my mental at the time, iv ketimine from a clinic did what it was meant to in the moment. is there any movement on this for you? regardless you're in my thoughts daily and you deserve peace, no matter what. im sorry if the ket has been answered and I missed it

 

[willitpass]

If you don't want help, then what do you want?

To die? What do you think I want?

always glad to hear from you no matter what. I relate to them getting to the point of running out of shit. given my mental at the time, iv ketimine from a clinic did what it was meant to in the moment. is there any movement on this for you? regardless you're in my thoughts daily and you deserve peace, no matter what. im sorry if the ket has been answered and I missed it

Still no word. I have the referral outpatient still, but that's no use without me getting stable enough to leave residential. At this point I'm hoping that they decide they can't help me here, get me a bed somewhere in my home state, and I can get an Uber to a gas station instead of to the airport and do the deed.

 

[lastch]

I'm in the same boat. My appointments consist of me crying and staring blankly ahead leaving my nurse, ot and psych all lost for words. I don't leave the house anymore except for appointments and I spend everyday lying in bed crippled with anxiety, depression and ptsd. My newest source of anxiety is overthinking my ctb. "Paralysis by analysis" is my issue. From fearing the actual pain of the process and scared that maybe there is something after death, and that it could be worse than this.

 

[willitpass]

Every conversation with my dad about my mental health breaks me. He is so sure that I'm improving. He tells me he can see it. How much better I've gotten since October. I've tried telling him I don't feel any different at all, but he swears I'm getting better even if I don't see it. The delusion of a father, just trying to not lose his baby. Convincing himself his daughter isn't going to kill herself. It's heartbreaking to watch. I may be an adult, but I will always be his baby girl. He knows that my plan is to set myself on fire, I can only imagine the terror a parent must feel knowing that their child wants to do that to themselves and that ultimately there is nothing he can do to stop it.

This is why I left him with the illusion of me being healthy the last three years, because god does this hurt to watch. I usually just sit back and nod and agree with him while he rants at me about how determined I am and how smart I am and how he is 100% confident that I am going to make it through.

 

[SilentSadness]

Yes, we are in a bad situation, the state of living is tragic and hopeless. None of this suffering is necessary. It will all end later anyway and we will back to peaceful non existence. There is nothing appealing about being alive to me, and nothing to gain from comforting words from the people keeping me trapped here.

 

[willitpass]

Therapy went horribly today. I've become more and more agitated as the days have gone by, so I came into session already irritable. The therapist was trying to get me to follow some BS worksheets and I wasn't interested. I ended up saying "what does it matter if I'm gonna die anyway?". Her response was that if I was going to ruminate she would send me back to the unit. What's the point of therapy if saying how you feel ends the session. Punishing me like a child for talking about what I'm fucking in therapy for. I'm so over it.

 

[Blue Dream]

Therapy went horribly today. I've become more and more agitated as the days have gone by, so I came into session already irritable. The therapist was trying to get me to follow some BS worksheets and I wasn't interested. I ended up saying "what does it matter if I'm gonna die anyway?". Her response was that if I was going to ruminate she would send me back to the unit. What's the point of therapy if saying how you feel ends the session. Punishing me like a child for talking about what I'm fucking in therapy for. I'm so over it.

The whole point of therapy is to stop behaviours like rumination, not enable them.
Depression is mainly your mind eating you alive. Small behaviours like that turn into self reinforcing habits, and it escalates over time. The cycle can only break from within, they can't do it for you.

 

[divinemistress36]

Have they offered Ketamine infusions?

 

[Seven Threads]

Therapy went horribly today. I've become more and more agitated as the days have gone by, so I came into session already irritable. The therapist was trying to get me to follow some BS worksheets and I wasn't interested. I ended up saying "what does it matter if I'm gonna die anyway?". Her response was that if I was going to ruminate she would send me back to the unit. What's the point of therapy if saying how you feel ends the session. Punishing me like a child for talking about what I'm fucking in therapy for. I'm so over it.

Honestly, I believe this was a poor response from your therapist, and you have every right to be upset about it. This isn't to say that I don't understand; I do. A lot of therapists believe it is ultimately detrimental to spend time and resources reinforcing negative behaviors, which...they're not exactly wrong. But that has to be balanced against the harm that is done by basically rejecting someone when they're in a vulnerable position. If shutting someone down when they're ruminating doesn't stop the rumination but just forces them to do it alone in a worse environment, what's the point? How does that help?

I will say that I very much doubt your therapist was intending to punish you like a child, but regardless of their intent, the outcome clearly wasn't good, and it's worth being angry about.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

The whole point of therapy is to stop behaviours like rumination, not enable them.
Depression is mainly your mind eating you alive. Small behaviours like that turn into self reinforcing habits, and it escalates over time. The cycle can only break from within, they can't do it for you.

Then they should set her free if they can't help her. The context is that she is being compelled to undergo treatment.

 

[slinkey10]

Every conversation with my dad about my mental health breaks me. He is so sure that I'm improving. He tells me he can see it. How much better I've gotten since October. I've tried telling him I don't feel any different at all, but he swears I'm getting better even if I don't see it. The delusion of a father, just trying to not lose his baby. Convincing himself his daughter isn't going to kill herself. It's heartbreaking to watch. I may be an adult, but I will always be his baby girl. He knows that my plan is to set myself on fire, I can only imagine the terror a parent must feel knowing that their child wants to do that to themselves and that ultimately there is nothing he can do to stop it.

This is why I left him with the illusion of me being healthy the last three years, because god does this hurt to watch. I usually just sit back and nod and agree with him while he rants at me about how determined I am and how smart I am and how he is 100% confident that I am going to make it through.

"The delusion of a father, just trying to not lose his baby. Convincing himself his daughter isn't going to kill herself. It's heartbreaking to watch. I may be an adult, but I will always be his baby girl" - this is such an extra lvl of pressure on yourself as you clearly have insight into how others are feeling.

"He knows that my plan is to set myself on fire" - please dont do this! this would be horiffic for you and anyone who cares about you.

I dont have the answers but ppl care on this site right now!

 

[willitpass]

The whole point of therapy is to stop behaviours like rumination, not enable them.
Depression is mainly your mind eating you alive. Small behaviours like that turn into self reinforcing habits, and it escalates over time. The cycle can only break from within, they can't do it for you.

Half of what got me into this situation in the first place was being so traumatized by my last residential that I haven't told anyone anything in years. I understand that I need to break the rumination cycle if I'm ever going to get better, but shutting down the session altogether rather than a helpful redirect or some other method when me even telling anyone what's going on inside my head at all is a struggle is a horrible move. And she knows this. She knows how difficult it is for me to open up. I'm not asking her to sit down and say "yeah you're right". I'm saying if she wants to help me she would be reinforcing maladaptive patterns that landed me here by shutting down communication.

Honestly, I believe this was a poor response from your therapist, and you have every right to be upset about it. This isn't to say that I don't understand; I do. A lot of therapists believe it is ultimately detrimental to spend time and resources reinforcing negative behaviors, which...they're not exactly wrong. But that has to be balanced against the harm that is done by basically rejecting someone when they're in a vulnerable position. If shutting someone down when they're ruminating doesn't stop the rumination but just forces them to do it alone in a worse environment, what's the point? How does that help?

I will say that I very much doubt your therapist was intending to punish you like a child, but regardless of their intent, the outcome clearly wasn't good, and it's worth being angry about.

There have been many things this therapist has done to agitate me, and this one really didn't help. Like you said, it didn't stop the rumination, it just further amped up the internal rumination.

Then they should set her free if they can't help her. The context is that she is being compelled to undergo treatment.

What I would give to be able to sign myself out right now. It's so frustrating beyond belief that I can't get out. All I want it to die and I'm praying like hell that the opportunity presents itself soon.

 

[F@#$]

My psychiatrist told this to me today. I've had a therapist tell me they needed a week to try and think of possible ways to help me. A nurse at the first inpatient I was at this time around told me they didn't have any good answers because I'm in such a rough spot. Even in the highest levels of care for the sickest of the sick, people are telling me how horrible things are for me. Nobody has told me I'm going to kill myself, obviously that would be unethical, but they seem to be at a loss for what to say. It seems like the closest to "you're going to die" as they can get. I'm truly a hopeless case. I am so ready to go.

That's been my experience with mental health experts as well.

 

[willitpass]

I've been here for over 4 weeks now. The program is 6-8 weeks typically, though I've heard from staff that people can stay well beyond that. I've also heard from other staff that if they don't believe the program is helping you they will send you out earlier. The frustrating thing is that they seem so convinced in my ability to succeed because I'm so self aware. Yet I've told them time and time again that I'm self aware to a fault. I wish they would give up on me. The only way out at this point is them giving up and sending me to a different facility, ideally one in my home state. I simply don't have it in me to lie my way out. I just want to die. Calling for help back in October was the biggest mistake. What a delusion to believe I had one last chance to make it. After all I've been through I should have known it wouldn't work, and now I'm trapped in a nightmare I can't get out of.

 

[Blue Dream]

Then they should set her free if they can't help her. The context is that she is being compelled to undergo treatment.

A therapist is there to help you help yourself. It is at the end of the day your brain, it goes home with you after the appointment.

 

[willitpass]

A therapist is there to help you help yourself. It is at the end of the day your brain, it goes home with you after the appointment.

I am in residential and cannot leave despite wanting to. I tried to leave and they told my dad to get a conservatorship over me. I am well aware of the point of therapy, and that therapy only works if you want to help yourself. That's the problem. I don't want to help myself yet there is nothing I can do to leave. I don't need someone to tell me how therapy works or what the purpose is. I've been in therapy since I was a young child and also work in healthcare. I know all of that. And I also don't wish to be here. I don't wish to be alive. I don't believe that there is anything else that can be done for me here. Yet I am not at the liberty to do anything about it because I am deemed incapable of making decisions for myself because God forbid I don't want to live with crippling depression that has been resistant to treatment for well over half my life. I gave therapy a true shot and put my all into it for years. I am tired now. I don't want to give it my all. I don't want to keep trying. I don't want to be here. So I shouldn't have to be here. But I do.

 

[willitpass]

All I do anymore is distract myself by playing games with other patients or sit there planning out how to go about CTB whenever I inevitably get transferred from here to another facility after they decide they can't help me.

 

[brokeandbroken]

My psychiatrist told this to me today. I've had a therapist tell me they needed a week to try and think of possible ways to help me. A nurse at the first inpatient I was at this time around told me they didn't have any good answers because I'm in such a rough spot. Even in the highest levels of care for the sickest of the sick, people are telling me how horrible things are for me. Nobody has told me I'm going to kill myself, obviously that would be unethical, but they seem to be at a loss for what to say. It seems like the closest to "you're going to die" as they can get. I'm truly a hopeless case. I am so ready to go.

Is it? You have people telling you they are going to spend time thinking of how and implementing how? Wouldn't the far worse place to be, be one where they don't give a shit? That's basically what I got. They care enough about you to not bullshit you or throw random pills at you hoping magically you'll get better. But taking time to actually find a way to help. Sounds like you are being helped. Isn't that a good place to start?

 

[willitpass]

Is it? You have people telling you they are going to spend time thinking of how and implementing how? Wouldn't the far worse place to be, be one where they don't give a shit? That's basically what I got. They care enough about you to not bullshit you or throw random pills at you hoping magically you'll get better. But taking time to actually find a way to help. Sounds like you are being helped. Isn't that a good place to start?

I've been to so many places where they have not given a shit about me. Half of what got me into this mess was being at an extremely abusive residential years ago. I've been told by nurses that my family don't care about me. I've been restrained 5 times, 3 of which were unwarranted and power moves. I've been threatened, neglected, drugged, you fucking name it. I've been given shock therapy. I've been given up on. Don't come in here assuming that I don't know what I have going for me and what I don't. I know I'm in the best place that I've been in my entire life as far as care and I also know that at this point I no longer want help. I have been in treatment for over a decade. I can acknowledge that my current place is good and also acknowledge that I don't want it. Many of my problems are rooted to trauma from psychiatric care, so don't come at me with that "don't you know how good you have it?" bullshit.

 

[-Link-]

Obviously, the system is failing here as ketamine treatment should be accessible as part of the inpatient treatment, and assisted dying services should be available and accessible as well -- the latter's process and openness, I suspect, would have therapeutic benefits with potential to actually save lives rather than just being a straightforward path to death as is generally presumed.

@willitpass I follow your progress and I do think about you. When you post updates here, I often want to say something of support but have trouble finding words to say, in part because it feels like the system isn't fulfilling its end of the deal here.

I do feel there is still hope for you. I don't know what that looks like given the complexity of your situation and in a healthcare system riddled with flaws, but I do feel it. Truly. If I didn't genuinely feel hope for you, I would just avoid saying anything about hope at all.

Whatever it is you need to do for yourself, I do understand. Your plan is horrifying and virtually unspeakable, and from your suffering, I wish for you relief in life rather than in death. Regardless of what path you choose, though, I am with you and I support you.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I've been to so many places where they have not given a shit about me. Half of what got me into this mess was being at an extremely abusive residential years ago. I've been told by nurses that my family don't care about me. I've been restrained 5 times, 3 of which were unwarranted and power moves. I've been threatened, neglected, drugged, you fucking name it. I've been given shock therapy. I've been given up on. Don't come in here assuming that I don't know what I have going for me and what I don't. I know I'm in the best place that I've been in my entire life as far as care and I also know that at this point I no longer want help. I have been in treatment for over a decade. I can acknowledge that my current place is good and also acknowledge that I don't want it. Many of my problems are rooted to trauma from psychiatric care, so don't come at me with that "don't you know how good you have it?" bullshit.

Yeah that sounds terrible no doubt. I've been to four psych wards, I've been mistreated as well, I've been drugged unhelpfully I might against my will, and I've basically been left for dead like a deer you hit with you car and dragged to the side of the road to let whimper and die. You may have been told by nurses your family doesn't care I've been both shown and told by them themselves. While everyone else had people to call and lives on the outside in the psych ward I didn't. When the phone rang it wasn't a flash oh that could be for me. It was oh who are they calling for. I had literally everything stolen from me. Career, "family", friends, opportunity to make friends, a life. So no don't come at me the i've been through a lot bullshit. I've literally been homeless for nearly two years. Most days wondering where my next meal would come from. Too many it's been nothing. Even more so healthy food has been in short supply. My body which used to be in outstanding shape is breaking down. My life before that wasn't all milk and honey either. But hey if you win to win the whose suffered most award I'll let you have it. It isn't important to me.

Do you really not want help? Or have you been crushed by an incredibly broken system with broken people and your trust along with it? Maybe you've given up on help being helpful? When did I say don't you know how good you have it? I said it's a start. If I have to be somewhere I would far rather be somewhere where they care versus somewhere they don't. Doesn't sound like you have much of a choice. Apathy is singularly the worst thing you can feel. Where people simply do not care. They could've said here's some pills, I'm going to go watch lettermen reruns until you get better. Is that really what you want? Then again maybe i am projecting a little. Probably am. I wish I knew what it was like to have someone anyone care. Truly. All I know and really remember is apathy. I want out of this place I don't fucking care how. I don't care if it is with help or by death I don't want to be in this place any longer. Sounds like someone may be willing to see if they can help you out of it. Something I want dearly. What can I say I am jealous.