Imaginos
Full-time layabout
- Apr 7, 2018
- 638
Personally speaking, I often wish I could've taken to psychedelics better. If there was ever going to be a temporary cure for my anhedonia, it would've been in the realm of psychedelics. Instead, that crap was basically like poison to me. In the scant few times I experimented with weed, I enjoyed a couple moments of profound calm and banishment of my worst feelings (which of course would immediately return once the trip was over), but it paled in comparison to the overwhelming panic that would come rushing in and leave me curled up on the bed counting the seconds until it was all over. At the end of the day, I just really hate not being in control of myself. Psychedelics loosen that grip of control I have and, without fail, I fight with all my might to retain what small amount of it I can, which inevitably leads to the whole thing being a bad trip of nightmarish anxiety and panic. In this sense, psychedelics are a bit like a ride at an amusement park. Once the arm guards come down and the track starts moving, you're on that bitch for the duration. The problem with me is that once those guards come down, I immediately freak out and want to try and rip them off, which leads to the whole thing turning into a complete mess.
More than this though, what really keeps me away from psychedelics is the threat of derealization. Perhaps with enough focus and preparation I could avoid the aforementioned problems I have with psychedelics, but derealization is something of a different stripe entirely. That's a very real side-effect of psychedelics, which exists beyond one's momentary mental state, and that can have devastating long term consequences. In my case, I had recurring bouts of derealization that sometimes lasted 10-15 minutes for a couple weeks after the second last time I dabbled with psychedelics, which for me was always just weed. When looking it up, I read horror stories from people that had to struggle with it for years, which honestly makes me a bit freaked out trying to even imagine it.
So yeah, the world of psychedelics is permanently denied me. So much for ever being an expert in psychonautics, but better to stick with the misery I know, then add on even more profound layers to it. Still, it really sucks that the rest of my life is going to have to be suffered through sober. Bearing the crushing burden of chronic depression and anhedonia sober, is like being forced to get through an agonizing life long surgery without anesthetic. In my case, I've never smoked, drank, or done any other kinds of drugs. Weed was the beginning and the end of my brief dabbling with psychedelics.
As an aside, I have to say that, despite my bad experiences with psychedelics, they were integral in getting me to lose weight (a little over a hundred pounds) and change my diet completely around for the better. So, if nothing else, at least they had that fringe benefit.
More than this though, what really keeps me away from psychedelics is the threat of derealization. Perhaps with enough focus and preparation I could avoid the aforementioned problems I have with psychedelics, but derealization is something of a different stripe entirely. That's a very real side-effect of psychedelics, which exists beyond one's momentary mental state, and that can have devastating long term consequences. In my case, I had recurring bouts of derealization that sometimes lasted 10-15 minutes for a couple weeks after the second last time I dabbled with psychedelics, which for me was always just weed. When looking it up, I read horror stories from people that had to struggle with it for years, which honestly makes me a bit freaked out trying to even imagine it.
So yeah, the world of psychedelics is permanently denied me. So much for ever being an expert in psychonautics, but better to stick with the misery I know, then add on even more profound layers to it. Still, it really sucks that the rest of my life is going to have to be suffered through sober. Bearing the crushing burden of chronic depression and anhedonia sober, is like being forced to get through an agonizing life long surgery without anesthetic. In my case, I've never smoked, drank, or done any other kinds of drugs. Weed was the beginning and the end of my brief dabbling with psychedelics.
As an aside, I have to say that, despite my bad experiences with psychedelics, they were integral in getting me to lose weight (a little over a hundred pounds) and change my diet completely around for the better. So, if nothing else, at least they had that fringe benefit.
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