Your craziest suicidal thought or fantasy?

[alivefornow]

At the peak of my suicidal crisis, I had obsessive uncontrollable graphic thoughts of committing acts of violence against myself and others.

One of them was to climb an overpass, drench myself in some flammable liquid, tie a chain to my feet, set myself on fire and jump. I would then be a hanging body on fire for all to see.

I wanted to set up some kind of computer in the vicinity that could record and livestream the "event", and in this livestream there would be a link to some kind of text file, in which I would write a note detailing how much hate and disgust I have for myself and others, and how much horror and death I wish on this world.

I know it sounds crazy, but that is the kind of fantasy that pops up in my mind every once in a while, among several other fucked up scenarios. Sometimes I fantasize about finding a way to destroy the entire world, like some kind of supervillain nuking the core of the Earth.

I still have suicidal thoughts several times every day, been having them for over two years.

I am in tremendous pain in the heart everyday. I know the source of this pain is extreme hate, frustration and hopelessness.

I tried therapy, meds and even stayed twice in psych wards. Nothing really improves.

I will turn 30 this year, unless I die, which is something I really want to do. Acquiring SN is easy in my country, and I even did it once, before getting caught with it and being locked up in a ward.

Anyway, life sucks, death is the gift I truly wish for.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

I've never really had a crisis to that extent, but there have been some periods I was extremely tired with life and wished specifically for a gruesome death. I wanted to blow my head off with a shotgun so that there were chunks of skin and brain and skull everywhere, for no other reason than it being messy. At the time I felt like I had a "pressure" inside my head and became spiritually obsessed with my brain ceasing to be separated from the outside world via my skull. I thought that if my brain could "touch" the world I would become one with it and my suffering would stop.

I still think it would be a good method though, because it's pretty much the most instantaneous and arguably relatively painless due to how fast it can be when done right

 

[alivefornow]

I've never really had a crisis to that extent, but there have been some periods I was extremely tired with life and wished specifically for a gruesome death. I wanted to blow my head off with a shotgun so that there were chunks of skin and brain and skull everywhere, for no other reason than it being messy. At the time I felt like I had a "pressure" inside my head and became spiritually obsessed with my brain ceasing to be separated from the outside world via my skull. I thought that if my brain could "touch" the world I would become one with it and my suffering would stop.

I still think it would be a good method though, because it's pretty much the most instantaneous and arguably relatively painless due to how fast it can be when done right

I feel that. I still have the daily fantasy of spraying my brains out and making a huge mess with a large gun. It's weird because I could be talking to someone, having a meal, waking up, trying to sleep, whatever. And there it is, an image in my mind of pulling the trigger on my head and making a splatter.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

I feel that. I still have the daily fantasy of spraying my brains out and making a huge mess with a large gun. It's weird because I could be talking to someone, having a meal, waking up, trying to sleep, whatever. And there it is, an image in my mind of pulling the trigger on my head and making a splatter.

I specifically remember doing "research" and seeing a video of someone shooting himself with a shotgun. I remember his head pretty much exploded and there was shit sprayed on the camera so it was kind of hard to see. I specifically remember there was a chunk of his head hanging on just by a thin piece of skin sort of just drooped off to the side. In some weird way it was beautiful to me. It felt cathartic, like all that welled up inside of him got released into the world. It was like an orgasm or ejaculation, in some weird fucked up way. I know that's a strange comparison, but it just sticks in my mind.

Still in some way it's strange to think your brain is separated from the world by only about 6mm of porous, brittle bone and a layer of skin stretched over.

 

[alivefornow]

I specifically remember doing "research" and seeing a video of someone shooting himself with a shotgun. I remember his head pretty much exploded and there was shit sprayed on the camera so it was kind of hard to see. I specifically remember there was a chunk of his head hanging on just by a thin piece of skin sort of just drooped off to the side. In some weird way it was beautiful to me. It felt cathartic, like all that welled up inside of him got released into the world. It was like an orgasm or ejaculation, in some weird fucked up way. I know that's a strange comparison, but it just sticks in my mind.

Still in some way it's strange to think your brain is separated from the world by only about 6mm of porous, brittle bone and a layer of skin stretched over.

That is brutal. In reality, I don't want to leave a mess because it would be a pain to find and clean. I just want people to know the pain and hate I feel as I take myself out. It is important to me that they know.

Sometimes I am thankful the human body is so frail and it doesn't take much to die. I could do it any time, hell, I could grab a knife and stab myself to death right now. I even want to. My mind is what stops me.