"You need to open up and give love to be happy"

[Makko]

I got a spontaneous phone call from my parents last night and it was the most bizarre experience I've had in a long time.

Some background. I'm an Asian expatriate in Europe (originally followed my parents here as a child). I've last met my parents about 4 years ago when they went home while I, against what most people would call common sense, chose to stay. Since then I've been enjoying a life entirely free of private commitment and it has been the only period where I got somewhat comfy. Naturally my very large and globally distributed family hasn't exactly left me alone, but I've grown more and more estranged through passive resistance to any kind of contact.

Turns out my social escape plan hasn't gone unnoticed, leading to last night's episode. My parents called me up out of the blue for a "serious conversation" and began interrogating me on why I wasn't keeping in touch. Then they gave me a long lecture on how you can't be happy if you don't trust and love people and told me to thoroughly think it over before hanging up.

I'm still in shock. My parents are extremely dry and puritan people. This is the first time in my life I've heard the words "love" and "happiness" leave their lips. Up until yesterday they only talked about life in terms of duty and obigation and it's the only world view I was ever taught. Why this now? More importantly, how do they expect me to understand? Because I sure as hell don't understand anything.

 

[shy]

Isn't emotional aging a thing? Maybe the soft core your parents' have been hiding is showing now that they're older.

 

[Makko]

Isn't emotional aging a thing? Maybe the soft core your parents' have been hiding is showing now that they're older.

Never heard of this phenomenon but it could explain things.

I've heard the words thrown around countless times before but it was always other people's business. I didn't realise I'd ever have to deal with this myself. And I'm really not equipped to deal with it.

 

[MYStERY_Man]

Hm... I hope your thinking goes better than mine. Thinking about it didn't do me any good, it just made me feel further away from the average person. I believe they might have a point though, but it's taken me some recent experience to drill that into my head...

Best of luck to you.

 

[Lostandlooking]

That sounds like a bizarre experience. My own parents have always been very practical and matter of fact. They did not know how to talk about emotions. Or love or happiness for that matter. I think my mother has changed slightly, mainly because I started talking about things. I learned more about my emotions and feelings through therapy and in the relationship with my ex-boyfriend. It could be that your parents are emotionally aging, who knows. It sounds like a weird experience anyway. Sending hugs

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Maybe, with you slowly but surely distancing yourself, they realized the mistake in their own ways and this is their way to admit it. Maybe they're also just processing this thought for the first time.

 

[OkFaithlessness]

I might be mistaking, as you do, online, but "love" and "happiness" do just seem like replacements for "duty" and "obligation" to your parents

 

[Insomniac]

Because I sure as hell don't understand anything.

they've probably recently discovered youtube and Facebook and their friends are sharing motivational videos and quotes about life and love to them.

they realised their mistakes and instead of having the decency to admit that they're the reason you're the way you are and apologise, they basically lecture you and try to guilt-trip you.

and told me to thoroughly think it over before hanging upup.

they might have a point though idk. Distancing yourself from family for an illusion of independence (financial " independence" is an illusion and government's are as instable as relationships ) might not be the best decision.

 

[Meditation guide]

Maybe they are feeling some guilt or discomfort and trying to put the blame on you for things. It sounds like projection of some kind. At any rate I'm happy for you that you made your own way in life without being encumbered by family obligations.

I've had odd brief encounters out of the blue with my own estranged parents. They have all been attempts to reassure themselves.

 

[Makko]

I might be mistaking, as you do, online, but "love" and "happiness" do just seem like replacements for "duty" and "obligation" to your parents

I don't doubt that it is. I can't imagine that they genuinely did a 180 on everything they ever believed in. I'm just shocked by the sudden change of rhetoric.

they might have a point though idk. Distancing yourself from family for an illusion of independence (financial " independence" is an illusion and government's are as instable as relationships ) might not be the best decision.

I distanced myself for a good reason. Being a young adult in a conservative Asian family is a very bad deal. You owe everything to everyone but no one owes anything to you. It's a purgatory that you tough out until you breed another generation below you so that you have somewhere to dump the social burden. But since I'm a spinster I'd be stuck in that purgatory all my life, with the added shame of being too lazy and irresponsible to form a family of my own.

 

[Hurt]

I have always been a good person and look where I am. It's not reciprocal. Many people treat me like shit and I don't tolerate that anymore. But don't stop being kind.

 

[FuneralCry]

That is a strange experience you have been through, hearing them talk like that when it goes against their character. I do not understand people and the way they act a lot of the time. To me the statement 'you can't be happy if you don't trust and love', doesn't make much sense to me, love can be a painful emotion if not reciprocated and being too trusting isn't always a good thing. There are many other ways to gain contentment and satisfaction in life. There must be some sort of reason for the change in character.

 

[motel rooms]

I might be mistaking, as you do, online, but "love" and "happiness" do just seem like replacements for "duty" and "obligation" to your parents

I don't doubt that it is. I can't imagine that they genuinely did a 180 on everything they ever believed in. I'm just shocked by the sudden change of rhetoric.

Haha They're truly shameless. They just desperately want you to pop out a grandchild like a good little daughter machine. Too late, you're a damaged, hyper-individualistic Westerner now, & it's their fault that you've become one

 

[Makko]

Haha They're truly shameless. They just desperately want you to pop out a grandchild like a good little daughter machine. Too late, you're a damaged, hyper-individualistic Westerner now, & it's their fault that you've become one

What's the most confusing is that when they left the country 4 years ago and I declared I wanted to stay, they didn't make much fuss, which sort of surprised me at the time. That should have been the definitive sign of what I think of the whole tight-knit family business. But apparently they're only now coming to realise the ramifications. It doesn't help that I'm an only child so they can't write me off and put their expectations on someone else.

 

[motel rooms]

What's the most confusing is that when they left the country 4 years ago and I declared I wanted to stay, they didn't make much fuss, which sort of surprised me at the time.

Yeah, that's strange

It doesn't help that I'm an only child so they can't write me off and put their expectations on someone else.

They made their bed, & now they have to lie & die in it. You can't manufacture closeness & warmth...

 

[Insomniac]

What's the most confusing is that when they left the country 4 years ago and I declared I wanted to stay, they didn't make much fuss, which sort of surprised me at the time. That should have been the definitive sign of what I think of the whole tight-knit family business. But apparently they're only now coming to realise the ramifications. It doesn't help that I'm an only child so they can't write me off and put their expectations on someone else.

What do you think is their motive? are they counting on you for taking care of them because they're aging or something?

 

[Makko]

They made their bed, & now they have to lie & die in it. You can't manufacture closeness & warmth...

"Just change your outlook" they said, "and it'll come to you". Now that I had this oft-heard line directed at me for the first time I realised that I'm not so much unable as unwilling. I don't WANT to love.

I know that they'll give me an ultimatum, either I obey or I get excluded from the family forever. I was comfortable as a peripheral figure. That's not the same as being a persona non grata. Obeying is the worse option, so I'm going to have to prepare myself for being fully and completely alone in the world. I knew it would come one day, but I didn't think it would come so suddenly, and in such a bizarre way.

What do you think is their motive? are they counting on you for taking care of them because they're aging or something?

This is the only reason why Asians make children. My parens are not poor though, they can pay for a good service home or whatever. I'm not going to be anyone's nurse or nanny. But this isn't really a money question, having junior supplicants is a matter of prestige. They're about to be badly humiliated by my permanent departure from their lives.

 

[motel rooms]

Obeying is the worse option, so I'm going to have to prepare myself for being fully and completely alone in the world. I knew it would come one day, but I didn't think it would come so suddenly, and in such a bizarre way.

There's nothing you can do. You'll get back to feeling "normal" soon...

 

[Pure]

Up until yesterday they only talked about life in terms of duty and obigation and it's the only world view I was ever taught. Why this now? More importantly, how do they expect me to understand? Because I sure as hell don't understand anything.

I sort of understand. My mom has been telling me she now wants to be friends with me as an adult (I'm almost 24)...I'm sorry but what? I spent all of my childhood plus a good chunk of my early adult years walking on egg shells around her because any stupid shit would make up angry and fly off the rails about how much ungrateful I am as a child. Or her deal with reminding me how fat I am (I know). She's very emotionally immature and I think to an extent she realizes that.

It's funny because I'd see girls my age who have cute relationships with their mothers and be jealous but now I really don't care. I've taken comfort in solace when I go to the spa by myself or I get my nails done by myself (perks of also barely having any friends) while I watch mother-daughter duos do their thing.

Mothers will spend their duaghter's childhood terrorizing them and be shocked and appalled when they don't want to be bffs when they daughter becomes an adult.

 

[9BBN]

Then they gave me a long lecture on how you can't be happy if you don't trust and love people and told me to thoroughly think it over before hanging up.

In my opinion, they're giving you this lecture because they believe it themselves. And since it's clear they're not happy, we can surmise: maybe they feel unable to trust and love you from such a distance? What I'm saying is, this may be more about their needs than yours. Especially since it seems your needs are already met.

If you love your parents, maybe come up with a compromise where you can be comfortably free of private commitment but also meet their needs to be loved.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

What is family? A genetic link to another physical container.

 

[Makko]

In my opinion, they're giving you this lecture because they believe it themselves. And since it's clear they're not happy, we can surmise: maybe they feel unable to trust and love you from such a distance? What I'm saying is, this may be more about their needs than yours. Especially since it seems your needs are already met.

If you love your parents, maybe come up with a compromise where you can be comfortably free of private commitment but also meet their needs to be loved.

I don't doubt that they're they're doing it for their own sakes and not for mine, but I don't love them so I'm not lifting a finger. It is a little strange how little of their teachings stuck with me throughout my life overall. It's like I was always a spy with my own agenda, and as soon as the mission is over the pretensions are off.

What is family? A genetic link to another physical container.

"Link" is too strong of a word. I'd call it "incidental genetic similarity".