Venting You know it hurts when nobody knows you're going to CTB.

[MeriDeath]

You guys know it hurts when you've got all the things you need and nobody even knows about it.
I got my SN, meto, tagamet, I even bought a small kitchen scale, and nobody even knows about all that.
Not that I care but...
If I was a bit more normal and my parents were a bit more normal as well, would they know? Would they care?
Seriously I could CTB tomorrow and they wouldn't even know how or where I was storing all the products.
It's kinda sad that I have everything I need and nobody knows how close my death is.
I feel like death is just another game. All the people that helped me get my things. The nice lady I bought the scale from. The guy from the grocery shop who gave me the parcel that contained my tagamet. The lady that shipped my SN from America. They are all partners in crime. I lose my mind at how easy it was to obtain all that stuff.
I would like to hear your thoughts as well guys.

 

[foxdie]

I'm currently struggling with this. I realized this week people know I'm depressed, but no one knows how close I am to the edge. I hate it so much but I can't see an alternative without making my life and potential to ctb that much more difficult. It does hurt so much. I don't want them to know but I do want them too at the same time. If that makes any sense, I feel the same way friend.

 

[HelloHell]

I feel the same way. I could ctb tomorrow and everybody would say "what? how did this happen? HelloHell seemed to be recovering well"
but at the same time we cant tell them anything because we're just gonna end up with another hospitalization
we're stuck in this

 

[nachofriend]

yeah, ive even told people whats up and they seem to not actually register what i mean it is sad to me as well

 

[death137]

I wish I died when no one knew I was suicidal. My family care about me and I feel bad for making them worried by my depression and suicidal behavior.

But I understand you OP we want someone to care about us. I'm sorry you feel ppl aren't caring about you.

 

[nachofriend]

id prefer that people think i just vanished

mostly cause everyone knows ive been through so much crazy shit and im so much 'better off' now they wont get it

it can feel isolating and like death137 said as if no one cares or sees you. im sorry as well OP

 

[W’ren]

I almost tripped myself up this evening as i am overtired from being up pretty much all night + all day.. I told my bf i had a place for my dog to go should anything ever happen to me.
My bf had just gone off saying "if x thing ever happens i'm just going to kill myself" (he's so pro life it's ridiculous.) He didn't mean it- and to me, you don't say it unless you mean it. I'm super emotional. I wanted to slap him across the face.
It made me mad that i'm sitting next to him with SN on the way, the right kind of rope upstairs, a way to get the antiemetics... etc, and that i've been practicing partial... and that my will kit is inches from his feet where he can't see it... and my research is in a book nearby...
I... just...
So i said "well fine, you do that- meanwhile i have a place for ***** to go, if mom and dad can't care for him"
Then it made me really terribly sad because no one knows the truth of it all except people on this site- i have no friends on this site- no one will care or mourn... echo will just not be online one day and the account will close.
And the people around me will be surprised despite the fact i fit all the warning signs. Every. Single. One.
My gods people are f*cking gullible and desperate to believe you when you say you meant something other than ctb. I just used my surgery as an excuse- "oh it's surgery nerves- i talked like i might be dead soon because i'm worried about my surgery."
"Ok" he says and immediately changes the subject....
See how much they care?
They don't even address the "surgery worry". GAH. People. I don't get them.
So yes, struggling with the big secret aspect. I know it will be harder when/if my SN gets here and when my kit is complete...
I often want to scream at my bf... stop doing this to me because i won't be here soon for you to treat this way.... but meh. Whatever. :-(

 

[deleted]

Yes, I was also frighteningly easy to buy everything, I bought all medicines in one day and the next day I had already ordered the SN and the scale. My parents think I'm a mistake they won't care with my death but they will certainly not assume the great guilt that the two have on me , I am acting normal as always, my personality is negative impossible to find out that I am going to kill myself in a few days

 

[virginiawoolf86]

I've thought the same thing. The people I pass on the daily that interact with me, the people I got supplies from; like, "do you realize that I'll soon be a ghost? You're talking to a dead girl". You won't even know I'll be gone.

My current problem is finding a place, and to stop drinking alcohol long enough to let the SN work.

 

[Worndown]

I'm currently struggling with this. I realized this week people know I'm depressed, but no one knows how close I am to the edge. I hate it so much but I can't see an alternative without making my life and potential to ctb that much more difficult. It does hurt so much. I don't want them to know but I do want them too at the same time. If that makes any sense, I feel the same way friend.

It might be that those close to you know you are depressed but do not know how deep that well is. It might simply be that they are overwhelmed by that knowledge and do not know what to do.
This is literally where worlds collide.
Do they call someone about you? Would that help or further aggravate the problem. Would you trust them. Would they trust you? It is unlikely they possess the skills to directly help in a meaningful way. How helpful is a sympathetic shoulder over a lifetime?
In a world that has become way to complex, this might be one of the more difficult issues.
Reassuring comments are easy, but that might be all most people can generate. Please do not assume they are all indifferent.

 

[summers]

Depending on where you live, buying a shotgun or 45 is so easy, it can be considered an impulse purchase.

Also, I think this may be a 2 way street. Do you want the people you live with to respect your privacy? Imagine living with a partner or parents who open your mail and go through your phone all the time. Is that better than them letting you do what you want and not questioning you?

This isn't directed strictly at the OP - I'm just pointing out that someone who is too involved can be maddening too.

 

[Ghost2211]

My family has known for the last year, and none of them care. My ex knows and he just uses it as a weapon he doesn't even care. I would rather nobody know and then I wouldn't know just how much nobody cares.

 

[Lorraine]

It's a real clash of feelings to know that no one has any idea how close I am to death but to also be grateful for that privacy. Discovery is one of the biggest reasons for failed attempts. I bet a lot of people here can't even make an attempt due to lack of privacy. I recognize that it's a luxury, of sorts. A lonely luxury, but a luxury........
Anyway, sorry, I didn't mean to make it about me; the thread just got me thinking. Do we actually WANT anyone to know?
That said, MeriDeath, thank you for sharing about this. I can only imagine how almost surreal it has been to acquire everything so easily and to know you've done it right under your parents' ~ and everyone's ~ noses.
Respectfully,
L

 

[ecmnesia]

to be honest, it's for the best that no one knows that i am on the verge o ctb.

but i do understand where you are coming from.

suicide is such an unconcivable action to "normal" people that it could never cross their minds that someone would deliberately buy those apparently unharmful items to take their own lives.

i don't intent to blame other people for where we are now, because the majority of us goes to extreme extents to guarantee they won't be caught, myself included. nontheless, it shows how people are detached from each other, to the point we can't even recognize individuals on the verge of self-destruction unless the literally write it on their foreheads. how weak are human bounds i wonder... i might be wrong, tho.


i never thought of it through those lenses, before and you showed me a whole new perspective. thanks for sharing.

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

I don't even get ask how are you doing today. Or what's wrong or anything like that. In the drawer next to my desk is my 9mm. 10-15 min away is a bridge that is high enough. Sn is one buy it now click away. Been hiding zofran, by hiding I mean it's sitting in my organizer on my desk. New marks appear on my arms every couple of days. Nothing absolutely nothing.

 

[AMG44]

I agree with every comment on this thread.

Getting the stuff i needed was ridiculously easy. When my packages arrived I was like jesus christ what have I done.
The worst thing is that everyone thinks my life is business as usual.

 

[muffin222]

I can relate to this lately. I feel sad and guilty going about my normal daily life and interacting with people around me while knowing within that I'm about to throw their lives into a tailspin :(

 

[Sprite_Geist]

I am actually glad (to an extent) that not many people will know when I am gone, because it means that there will be less people to virtue signal and lie.

 

[Hyperbunny]

I agree
My parents dont care so much maybe for religious reasons would be against suicide
But not because I would be dying
I told my ex bf I am going to ctb but hes stopped replying to me ages ago
Theres nothing to loose tbh

 

[sullen-girl1]

I can relate to this too. I sat here thinking just this morning that if I did it today, I think it would take a few weeks for people to notice. The only reason I was present prior to lockdowns was because of work, so people would notice and investigate if I didn't show up (only because I have the keys our building) - but thanks to furlough, literally no one would notice for a week minimum, but probably more.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Yes to everyone's comments. Only one person will know and it will take a few days for him to even find out, maybe up to a week. He is also executor and primary beneficiary of everything. I have made it well worth his while to find me.

I have told nobody that I am even depressed, except on here. My daughters probably won't find out for years, and won't care, because I have left specific instructions not to call or notify them.

Yes, it is a lonely feeling. If it weren't for that one person (my brother), I would have been gone long ago.

 

[inthemoonblue]

I can relate. A few of my close friends know that I get depressed and isolate myself sometimes, but that's about the extent of it. And my family... they have no idea how messed up I am. I've never truly let anyone in. The absolute shock I know they'll all go through makes me feel so guilty.

 

[wordsonscreen]

You guys know it hurts when you've got all the things you need and nobody even knows about it.
I got my SN, meto, tagamet, I even bought a small kitchen scale, and nobody even knows about all that.
Not that I care but...
If I was a bit more normal and my parents were a bit more normal as well, would they know? Would they care?
Seriously I could CTB tomorrow and they wouldn't even know how or where I was storing all the products.
It's kinda sad that I have everything I need and nobody knows how close my death is.
I feel like death is just another game. All the people that helped me get my things. The nice lady I bought the scale from. The guy from the grocery shop who gave me the parcel that contained my tagamet. The lady that shipped my SN from America. They are all partners in crime. I lose my mind at how easy it was to obtain all that stuff.
I would like to hear your thoughts as well guys.

This resonates a lot. My sn is by my bed because it gives me hope when I am in pain. I can see the end. No one knows I sleep each night looking at death in a bottle on my bedside table.

 

[Red]

People don't want to hear it, and will choose not to if you are anything but completely direct - I've alluded to my state of mind many times and even gone into some of the detail of my plan... people won't hear it if they don't want to. They will claim they are shocked and surprised when the end eventually happens, but the truth is I've had everything I need to die for months and have almost revealed everything in parts to the people who have been worried enough to enquire, which isn't many. They skirt over it, convince themselves they didn't hear what you said or deliberately misconstrue your words. Too heavy to deal with, too much responsibility to bear. So they play dumb.
It's too much for people to deal with, too delicate to even think of broaching. When you throw in the slightest decoy, they seize it with desperate hands and claim innocence all the way along, though deep down they knew you were serious the whole time, they can't bring themselves to consciously recognise it and explain it away even as you open up to them and bare all...
People hear what they want to hear, see what they want to see. You're not you, you're but a physical representation of what they think you are, you have a different face for every person you interact with.
Sometime I think that I'm not me at all, just a blank canvas for other people to project upon what they think I am instead. What I actually do and say doesn't seem to make a difference.
It doesn't matter what you say, or do, or think. It doesn't matter how articulate you are about the way you feel. If the people around you aren't receptive to the frequency you're emitting, you might as well not bother at all.
I believe that, in most of the cases where they say it's sudden, there was always a cry for help or revelation somewhere along the way, only it just wasn't heard.
That unanswered call is always the tipping point, always the point past which the end must come.
Selective hearing lol

 

[wordsonscreen]

People don't want to hear it, and will choose not to if you are anything but completely direct - I've alluded to my state of mind many times and even gone into some of the detail of my plan... people won't hear it if they don't want to. They will claim they are shocked and surprised when the end eventually happens, but the truth is I've had everything I need to die for months and have almost revealed everything in parts to the people who have been worried enough to enquire, which isn't many. They skirt over it, convince themselves they didn't hear what you said or deliberately misconstrue your words. Too heavy to deal with, too much responsibility to bear. So they play dumb.
It's too much for people to deal with, too delicate to even think of broaching. When you throw in the slightest decoy, they seize it with desperate hands and claim innocence all the way along, though deep down they knew you were serious the whole time, they can't bring themselves to consciously recognise it and explain it away even as you open up to them and bare all...
People hear what they want to hear, see what they want to see. You're not you, you're but a physical representation of what they think you are, you have a different face for every person you interact with.
Sometime I think that I'm not me at all, just a blank canvas for other people to project upon what they think I am instead. What I actually do and say doesn't seem to make a difference.
It doesn't matter what you say, or do, or think. It doesn't matter how articulate you are about the way you feel. If the people around you aren't receptive to the frequency you're emitting, you might as well not bother at all.
I believe that, in most of the cases where they say it's sudden, there was always a cry for help or revelation somewhere along the way, only it just wasn't heard.
That unanswered call is always the tipping point, always the point past which the end must come.
Selective hearing lol

I've been pretty fucking clear too. Selective hearing :)