Venting "You just need to change your perspective" (dismissive tactic)

[TAW122]

This is a common phrase and/or similar wording (but ultimately the same thing, same meaning at the end of the day) said to suicidal or depressed people. I see this a lot of many subreddits on Reddit. I am going to explain why it is like a dismissive tactic. It is dismissive because it ignores the person's reasons for feeling depressed or suicidal and instead, just brushes aside said person's perspective as invalid while at the same time projecting their perspective to the suicidal, depressed person. It is also gaslighting such that it brings up the credibility of the sufferer's plight by questioning his/her rationality.

This isn't limited to online forums and Reddit as well. It is also prevalent with Mental Health Professionals (MHPs) when they are talking to their patient. In the past (a few years ago), I have been to many of them and this is one subtle way of them trying to dismiss what I have to say, my feelings, my reasons for feeling the way I do. Mind you, I never talked directly about suicide (for obvious reasons) but just the things that bothered me IRL. It is incredibly invalidating, dismissive, and rude for them to do that. Sure, if therapy means to ignore the reasons and causes of why someone may feel the way they do (I know not all MHPs and not all therapy is like that, but I'm talking about the general case here), then project another view (oftenly self-centered) onto said patient, then it's not helpful, it's gaslighting at it's finest. Of course, after making up my mind and the experiences I had, I have decided never to see them again (for many other reasons too; not limited solely to this one).

Has anyone experienced this before either online, IRL, or through MHPs?

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Next time they bring this up you should ask them to quit their job, give away all of their money, abandon their family, and fly over to a 3rd world country that has rampant hunger and violence everywhere. Then you can politely ask them if a change in their perspective will help them in their present situation.

 

[TAW122]

Next time they bring this up you should ask them to quit their job, give away all of their money, abandon their family, and fly over to a 3rd world country that has rampant hunger and violence everywhere. Then you can politely ask them if a change in their perspective will help them in their present situation.

Ha, that is something that would be interesting to do, though I believe they'll likely deflect and/or get hostile and rebuff with something like "but that's not the same thing!", "you can't compare giving up the things in life, blah blah for whatever (insert adventure or gibberish, what have you)" etc.

 

[so tired or manic]

I knew a guy who would always tell himself, 'I don't have it so bad, I have no reason to be upset'.

I'd get so pissed hearing it because it's diminishing everything he'd be going through, but according to him it helped.

I'm not convinced it actually helped, but I'm not him.

It's the same kind of stance of trying to look at things from a different mirror.

I don't remember what my endpoint was so I'm just going to trail off here.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

To add to what you have said: the problem with telling someone to "change your perspective" is that it implies that a persons pain is totally internal. It doesn't take into account any external factors; such as how a suicidal person is being treated by others, or whether or not the said suicidal person has a strong support network (close friends, family, etc), or most importantly if their needs have been meat - a stable income, shelter, sense of community and access to treatment for health issues. There are so many things in the world that are out of our control. Telling someone to change their perspective, in reality, changes nothing.

 

[TAW122]

To add to what you have said: the problem with telling someone to "change your perspective" is that it implies that a persons pain is totally internal. It doesn't take into account any external factors; such as how a suicidal person is being treated by others, or whether or not the said suicidal person has a strong support network (close friends, family, etc), or most importantly if their needs have been meat - a stable income, shelter, sense of community and access to treatment for health issues. There are so many things in the world that are out of our control. Telling someone to change their perspective, in reality, changes nothing.

Yes well said. Also, it's really diminishing to the person it is said to and more of an ego boost for the person saying it. It's basically people's way to trying to subtly get the suicidal or depressed person to shut up and just accept the 'shitty' cards they are dealt with in life.

 

[checkouttime]

i don't see how one person can know 'what it feels like' for another person.even the exact same circumstances as EVERYBODY is different. so how can a person treat another person, if they don't know how that person is feeling??? I also question how much a person really wants to help a person(surely they have numerous patients), do they really get 100% attention/commitment......no chance.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

What frustrates me is that most people don't apply this thinking to the extent that they'd ask me to apply it. Most people aren't using changes in perspective to enjoy their jobs, get along with people and master their hobbies through endless hard work stemming from their improved perspective. If people find it hard to exercise this in their own lives why do they expect us to do it when we lack the motivation to do anything?

 

[checkouttime]

What frustrates me is that most people don't apply this thinking to the extent that they'd ask me to apply it. Most people aren't using changes in perspective to enjoy their jobs, get along with people and master their hobbies through endless hard work stemming from their improved perspective. If people find it hard to exercise this in their own lives why do they expect us to do it when we lack the motivation to do anything?

I used to hate jobs i had.I went to college got a trade and used to absolutely love work. i had a sucessful business, owned a super car, bought a house(not bragging) and now i don't have any of that ,and I'm here wanting to ctb. so just because someone has what people think is a perfect life doesn't mean it will make them happy......far from it. I have a good reputation at what i do but i don't desire going through the whole process of it all over again...theres more to the story but i don't want to write an essay and bore people!!!

 

[SoIntoYou]

In order to change perspective, you need to see or hear something different. Instead of saying that, they need to actually show you something that will make you feel better. They don't because they can't think of anything. They put the burden on YOU to find those new experiences, and that's not helping somebody.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

In order to change perspective, you need to see or hear something different. Instead of saying that, they need to actually show you something that will make you feel better. They don't because they can't think of anything. They put the burden on YOU to find those new experiences, and that's not helping somebody.

The closest thing I've ever been shown was a handout with cognitive distortions.

 

[Soulless Angel]

Light at the end of the tunnel is another one I find dismissive, like just look at the light aim for that and all will be better, they don't take into account the pain and the hurt to get to that point, what hurdles you may have to over come, ones that may make you walk forward 10 steps but back 20.
Saying's like the OP and this are said from people who claim to know your pain, claim to have got over it and think the world is an amazing place to be.

I knew a guy who would always tell himself, 'I don't have it so bad, I have no reason to be upset'.

I'd get so pissed hearing it because it's diminishing everything he'd be going through, but according to him it helped.

I'm not convinced it actually helped, but I'm not him.

It's the same kind of stance of trying to look at things from a different mirror.

I don't remember what my endpoint was so I'm just going to trail off here.

Its like telling someone not to be happy, as someone else has it better

 

[curiouskitty]

The closest thing I've ever been shown was a handout with cognitive distortions.

The concept of cognitive distortions is probably the most disgusting concept every created. "Your thoughts are not your own, dummy! You don't actually think that."