Discussion "You haven't tried enough ways to get better."

[Walilamdzi]

How can I explain that I'm in a permanent state of burnout and way beyond exhausted psychologically that I can't try things?

Nothing fills me with any joy anymore, because everything I've tried to accomplish has failed.

I keep telling my Dad that I want out and he just replies that it would be a waste and I have a great life ahead of me and if I stick around and try different things that it will all be great.

I'm struggling to get across to him that if there was anything that the people who love me could have done to help, they would have managed to do so before 5 hospital admissions and also just the fact that the misery I experience seeps into every aspect of my life such that I don't enjoy usual things that people consider fun let alone being able to cope with any of the practicalities of life.

Any idea how to explain that nothing holds any possible relief for me?

 

[moonchild]

I have the same problem, but unfortunately I don't have any advice so I'm sorry if this is unhelpful. But it seems to me that it's impossible to get it across to some people, because they have such strong faith in "treatment", and can't (even for themselves) acknowledge that there's nothing magical about it.

Another issue is that it's unacceptable to opt out of it. Personally, I'm not ruling out that some form of treatment could maybe do some good for me, but it wouldn't be enough to make me no longer suicidal. I have zero energy to put into it, which means it'll likely fail completely, so I'd rather just ctb. That's also something people in general don't really "get". I don't know if it's just an aversion to choice, or if it's also that most people genuinely can't imagine what that feels like. So they project their optimism onto me/us, and think that if they felt down about their life, they would try some different things and then I'd be good, as if there's always a viable solution within reach. But of course completely missing that our situations aren't the same.

Hopefully someone else comes along and gives you a more practical answer.

 

[Walilamdzi]

Thanks for sharing your opinion with me, it sounds like we're having a similar struggle with people's suggestions and our own reality. Not unhelpful in the slightest! Yeah me too, I would much rather cut my losses and not expend any more energy on anything.

 

[itsamadworld]

No advice either, but we see it in the movies, we see it on the TV, hear it in the schools, and from friends and family: all these pro-life messages.
You look at just about every recording regarding mental illnesses or illness in general, and the lengths people will go too, to save the most lost of all causes. The pendulum of the modern world has swung so far to the pro-life , that it borders on cruelty, and it is certainly sadistic. Meaning, that these pro-lifers will stop at nothing to make sure to save a life, even if their quality of life is complete shit. Most of the time, these pro-lifers are at a loss how to stop the inevitable, which is suffering and then death. Only today, due to modern medicine, suffering is being prolonged....Basically, the pro-lifer biased system will deny the suffering or completely ignore suffering they CANNOT see, such as mental illness. Becuz they already have kept alive so much suffering that they CAN see, like the elderly who's lives are prolonged by technology, stuff like that.... And the pro-lifer reach has crept into every aspect about how parents legally have to parent. I don't see the pro-lifer biased system changing any time soon, unfortunately.

 

[Walilamdzi]

I long for eternal sleep.

 

[favourite]

You could try every cope under the sun and it would most probably result in nothing.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

You could try every cope under the sun and it would most probably result in nothing.

This is a pretty distasteful answer, especially since we are in the recovery section, OP has expressed a glimmer of hope of his and you don't know him.

Many people have been suicidal and come out the other end, so please stop fueling his hopelessness for no good reason whatsoever.

 

[favourite]

This is a pretty distasteful answer, especially since we are in the recovery section, OP has expressed a glimmer of hope of his and you don't know him.

Many people have been suicidal and come out the other end, so please stop fueling his hopelessness for no good reason whatsoever.

Cool, but please go be a snowflake somewhere else.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

Sorry, that really sucks. People who haven't experienced it for themselves don't get it. Your Dad is probably scared and doesn't know what else to say.

It's totally valid to feel the way you do. You could try to explain it to him but he's unlikely to see it from your PoV, nor to be ok with your C-ing the B.

Finding other people to talk to would probably be more helpful. People who can relate (like us )

 

[itsamadworld]

This is a pretty distasteful answer, especially since we are in the recovery section,

This is the suicide section....btw...it happens..

 

[TotallyIsolated]

This is the suicide section....btw...it happens..

Yes we know, but we're not here to tell each other to 'do it bruh'. Pro-suicide doesn't mean anti-empathy... far from it.

 

[rebelsue]

Shit, did I write this post? Pretty much same here. Also 5 hospitalizations, too.

I have no answers to this, obviously. It's the saddest thing that could possibly be. I wish I knew what to do.

 

[itsamadworld]

Yes we know, but we're not here to tell each other to 'do it bruh'. Pro-suicide doesn't mean anti-empathy... far from it.

Oh, i really didn't see that comment as encouragement, actually, but everybody's interpretation is different.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

These are my thoughts...

I would say that the problem is focusing on your dad and trying to get him to listen, agree, and validate your point of view as well as you.

Individuating and becoming a separate self from the parents is part of becoming an autonomous adult. There's often tension in that separating, and it doesn't always result in the parent agreeing with or respecting the adult child, but if they do, I think it's more likely to happen because they recognize consistent behaviors and beliefs that they can't control, and either come to acceptance or continue to resist and reject. If they don't accept boundaries, separateness, or autonomy, they're not going to accept your different perspective or your right to be different from them, have different ways of doing things, have different values.

Finding other people who support, accept and validate you will help to feel less reliant on a need for approval and acceptance from your father and help solidify the autonomous foundation you're building.

I spent decades trying to find various ways to get my parents to listen, when it would have served me to instead focus on myself and pursuing what I wanted for myself. I was really enmeshed with them, and part of the family dynamic was that I was supposed to focus on getting their approval, but I wanted to be approved of and accepted for myself, so I wasted a ton of effort in focusing on getting through to them because it was hopeless from my earliest years. I made very little progress, got very little acceptance and respect. They are who they are, and they refuse to change or to try to understand other points of view.

I think you will find much more sanity and peace if you accept your father how he is and work on your own growth and self-acceptance. He may or may not ever approve or agree, so it's a lot of effort for little to no reward, while working on approving of and accepting yourself will yield life-long benefits.

 

[codewarrior]

Our conclusions are based on past while their observations are based on future (which no one knows what holds) and probably own experience they carry.
The problem is, no body understand the current state of mind especially when losing interest in everything and expect one to be like them suddenly.

 

[rebelsue]

These are my thoughts...

I would say that the problem is focusing on your dad and trying to get him to listen, agree, and validate your point of view as well as you.

Individuating and becoming a separate self from the parents is part of becoming an autonomous adult. There's often tension in that separating, and it doesn't always result in the parent agreeing with or respecting the adult child, but if they do, I think it's more likely to happen because they recognize consistent behaviors and beliefs that they can't control, and either come to acceptance or continue to resist and reject. If they don't accept boundaries, separateness, or autonomy, they're not going to accept your different perspective or your right to be different from them, have different ways of doing things, have different values.

Finding other people who support, accept and validate you will help to feel less reliant on a need for approval and acceptance from your father and help solidify the autonomous foundation you're building.

I spent decades trying to find various ways to get my parents to listen, when it would have served me to instead focus on myself and pursuing what I wanted for myself. I was really enmeshed with them, and part of the family dynamic was that I was supposed to focus on getting their approval, but I wanted to be approved of and accepted for myself, so I wasted a ton of effort in focusing on getting through to them because it was hopeless from my earliest years. I made very little progress, got very little acceptance and respect. They are who they are, and they refuse to change or to try to understand other points of view.

I think you will find much more sanity and peace if you accept your father how he is and work on your own growth and self-acceptance. He may or may not ever approve or agree, so it's a lot of effort for little to no reward, while working on approving of and accepting yourself will yield life-long benefits.

I endorse this comment 100%. I should have differentiated from my parents ASAP. My brother is an asshole but he's at least doing better than I am because he did this early. i waited way way way too long. I wanted my parents to understand me so I did everything I could to please them and it stole my life from me. Now I am nothing. You can't convince parents to understand you.

 

[Walilamdzi]

He's just said a bunch of things like "I've wanted to help you since your first hospitalisation, you won't let people help you." , "there's a bunch of nice things we can find for you" , "your life doesn't have to get worse"...

None of it is true or helpful.

 

[rebelsue]

He's just said a bunch of things like "I've wanted to help you since your first hospitalisation, you won't let people help you." , "there's a bunch of nice things we can find for you" , "your life doesn't have to get worse"...

None of it is true or helpful.

When people say these things, they really just mean that you're not obeying them. You're not doing exactly what they say so they can feel like they've helped you. You want to find your own path, your own way of getting better, that is congruent with how your brain works. Nothing wrong with that. But it won't win you many friends. My solution lately has been to stop telling people how I feel and to stop asking them for advice. I'm on my own journey. They can't help because they aren't actually interested in helping, they are interested in feeling helpful and seeing their own choices validated back to them.

 

[willitpass]

im in the same boat. my dad always says that it will get better and i will live a life without mental illness. at this point i have no way of convincing him otherwise. i've stopped trying to fight him about it because the conversations go nowhere and only land me in the hospital feeling guilty. i tell him i'm depressed and suicidal but don't fight him when he says it will get better. he says that because he is scared to imagine life without me and i don't want to keep reminding him that i won't make it.

 

[Keepingtabs]

Depression should be treated as a terminal illness as well as cancer, of course depending on the current state. I can't say anything that makes you feel remotely better but at least death will come to all of us, at least thinking about that calms me down a bit

 

[Walilamdzi]

I wish there was an off switch.

 

[Bct]

I have no advice. Sorry you have to bear that. It's really hard for people who don't experience depression to understand what we feel. Naive positivism and pro-life stance means people still want to save others without considering their sufferings if they're still alive.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

They will never get it.

 

[catmom13]

However you respond to this is completely up to you--whatever works for you. If the people in your life are insistent or if they are too intrusive to the point that they don't even listen to you, you can set your boundaries and create a canned response. This would save time and energy on your part--you don't have to argue, you just use the same response over and over.