Venting You ever spent weeks feeling suicidal, when suddenly...?

[Spiny Lobster]

I've been nearly as suicidal as it gets this past month or so. I've gone cold turkey on all my meds, had constant intrusive thoughts of suicide but never finding the right method, and then going as far as to having the police being called on me (apparently the hotline operator thought that because I was doing some self-harm, my life was in immediate danger). All around, I've been having a hard time.

But for whatever reason, I'm feeling okay at the moment of writing this? A couple days ago, I had a good cry with my therapist and then took a nap, but when I woke up, I've started to feel a little bit better. Now I'm struggling to remember what it was like to be so suicidal, because I know that with the way things are going now, suicide is the only option for me -- whether I feel like it or not. My life is going to drag itself out and I'll end up falling all over again if I don't act on it sooner or later.

It's strange how your mood can just change like a light switch. It's awful; it's almost making me question everything I've felt. But in the end, I know what I have to do.

Have you guys ever experienced this? If so, how have you coped or even reframed things to make it easier to end your life as you should?

(DISCLAIMER: I am not saying it's the right choice for YOU, the reader. All I am saying is that it's the right choice for me, and maybe I'm not the only one in feeling that.)

Thanks for reading!

 

[draw a circle]

It's great that you're feeling better. Sometimes I would feel like I'm okay all of the sudden and the thought of death seems so far away. The problem and the underlying anxiety stays, but I don't want to die that bad anymore. Of course, then one day I would feel like I need to die this instant. It's just a constant back and forth for these past two years. Right now, I'm riding the wave of being fine. Who knows when I will crash... Well, I'm an expert on running away from my problems.

 

[who doesn't matter]

I kind of relate to that but there is a difference. Because of maybe my SI or something else, false hope sprouts, telling me that I can get through and I can make things better. Then eventually, the reality strikes and throws me to the ground. Nothing works out, I am still pretty much a failure and loser, I don't have any support and neither can I hope for any. The things will just get miserable and that's the truth for me.

For others, this feeling of hope could mean something more than an SI trigger. Maybe they do stand a chance. But I certainly don't come under that "others" category.

 

[Spiny Lobster]

I definitely relate to both experiences, especially in regards to the fleeting nature of false hope. As a previous member put it, I am just waiting for the crash to happen. And for whatever reason, I wish the crash would happen sooner rather than later...

Not feeling actively suicidal is making me feel some level of disconnect with myself.

 

[Deardaddy]

There is no competition here who gets the award to ctb. Take your time, isn't it good to feel better

 

[Cherrypea]

Yeah yesterday I watched the lion King and I was Simba lying in the desert, all hope lost, waiting for the vultures to strike. But today I'm a bit more positive. Tried to think of another lion King comparison but I'm no where near that positive!

 

[Deardaddy]

Depression and ctb are two different things my friend

 

[Harleyyy]

I've been nearly as suicidal as it gets this past month or so. I've gone cold turkey on all my meds, had constant intrusive thoughts of suicide but never finding the right method, and then going as far as to having the police being called on me (apparently the hotline operator thought that because I was doing some self-harm, my life was in immediate danger). All around, I've been having a hard time.

But for whatever reason, I'm feeling okay at the moment of writing this? A couple days ago, I had a good cry with my therapist and then took a nap, but when I woke up, I've started to feel a little bit better. Now I'm struggling to remember what it was like to be so suicidal, because I know that with the way things are going now, suicide is the only option for me -- whether I feel like it or not. My life is going to drag itself out and I'll end up falling all over again if I don't act on it sooner or later.

It's strange how your mood can just change like a light switch. It's awful; it's almost making me question everything I've felt. But in the end, I know what I have to do.

Have you guys ever experienced this? If so, how have you coped or even reframed things to make it easier to end your life as you should?

(DISCLAIMER: I am not saying it's the right choice for YOU, the reader. All I am saying is that it's the right choice for me, and maybe I'm not the only one in feeling that.)

Thanks for reading!

Great to hear that you're feeling better. Well, i feel the same way too, sometimes i feel like there's hope but i know deep inside that there isn't and to be honest, I don't even have to push myself, after sometime feelings of hopeless and wanting to end myself surface up again. but i hope that you find happiness that lasts. Sending you love x