dinosavr
and if i’m turning blue please don’t save me 🌛
- Dec 14, 2023
- 659
Since last week, my life has been a nightmare. A literal nightmare. I mean I was depressed for a long time before, I'm a regular here since december and it was never easy, but right now, it's a whole different level. I wasn't aware that one person only can actually feel that much pain. I can't take it anymore, I'm broken into pieces. I've written like 50 vents about it already and none of them was able to express it enough so I deleted them. Even when I was the closest to death it didn't feel as difficult as it does now. I'm completely stuck. I thought I was stuck before but it was nothing compared to what I'm facing right now.
/here i attempted to describe my situation a little but it's too complicated and just not worth it/
I want to die :( I want to fucking die as soon as possible. And this chance has been taken away from me so unexpectedly. I'm being manipulated by everyone emotionally. Nobody does that on purpose but I just hate how lonely I am at my point of view. They tell me the loveliest words and they probably mean them. But at the end of the day, when I don't smile after a "you're important to me", or when I push away a hug, I'm not a person who's worth supporting anymore. People have their own lives and they don't have to stay by me forever. I wish they all finally left me so I could rest in peace. I'm so incredibly unable to do it by myself now. I'm way sadder or rather empty than mad. And if I won't kill myself impulsively when I'm mad, I probably just won't be able to do it. They keep checking on me, making sure I'm fine, but the truth is none amount of support can change the mind that has already decided that death is all it wants. So they're just making my suffering stay for longer. Not mentioning the hypocrisy that occurs all the time in their actions, but who am I to judge? I've never had to deal with a suicidal stubborn piece of garbage.
Anyway, this time, I gave up, I lost. I'm too weak and tired and I have to get some help even if it's their way, not mine. And I'll just try again later.
I'll be admitted to the hospital tomorrow, I'm out of other choices. I hope it won't take long. Keep your fingers crossed! for whichever one of possible outcomes.
/here i attempted to describe my situation a little but it's too complicated and just not worth it/
I want to die :( I want to fucking die as soon as possible. And this chance has been taken away from me so unexpectedly. I'm being manipulated by everyone emotionally. Nobody does that on purpose but I just hate how lonely I am at my point of view. They tell me the loveliest words and they probably mean them. But at the end of the day, when I don't smile after a "you're important to me", or when I push away a hug, I'm not a person who's worth supporting anymore. People have their own lives and they don't have to stay by me forever. I wish they all finally left me so I could rest in peace. I'm so incredibly unable to do it by myself now. I'm way sadder or rather empty than mad. And if I won't kill myself impulsively when I'm mad, I probably just won't be able to do it. They keep checking on me, making sure I'm fine, but the truth is none amount of support can change the mind that has already decided that death is all it wants. So they're just making my suffering stay for longer. Not mentioning the hypocrisy that occurs all the time in their actions, but who am I to judge? I've never had to deal with a suicidal stubborn piece of garbage.
Anyway, this time, I gave up, I lost. I'm too weak and tired and I have to get some help even if it's their way, not mine. And I'll just try again later.
I'll be admitted to the hospital tomorrow, I'm out of other choices. I hope it won't take long. Keep your fingers crossed! for whichever one of possible outcomes.