Venting You can post here if you want to release yourself from the thoughts that torment you or make you happy. It can be not related to the previous post.

[Feline lover]

I'm new to this website, but I still want to express what I have been feeling the past months.

Also, apologies for any mistake in grammar or spelling, English is not my first language.

My mental health started to go up and down around September, when I lost a bracelet. I know that a bracelet doesn't mean a lot, but it just kind of messed me up because it was a gift from some friend who doesn't have a lot of money, so it was an effort he made. I still don't know what that did to me but my self loath feelings came back. I had been fine for around 4 months or so before loosing the thing.
I started again to feel like I was pathetic, with no talent at all, only a liability to my family and friends. I started to self harm, something that in the past, even in my worst days, never considered. Around the end of September, I had already thought very seriously about ctb, and smiled at the idea of not being here any more. Then, my self steem or something similar ameliorated the situation. As far as I can remember October was a nice month, leaving aside the fact that I started to reduce the food I ingested. My body started to feel like blob of fat. And the ones surrounding me don't help. My own parents told me to stop eating pasta or that I needed to lose weight. I know that my body is not the best nor is the one you see in magazines, but still I am not overweight. My height is around 1.70m while my weight was 70kg. Then November came and it all started to go down again. I tried to keep up with the good thoughts and being positive, and some days I achieved it, but I started to feel again like a fraud. Like my "abilities" were only simulated, that I was no one. I have been told all my life that I have to smile, to not be grumpy, to get good grades, to be good at this or at that. It really messes me up that my loved ones, specifically my mother (I love her but her comments sometimes hurt me a lot) tell me that I wasn't like that some years ago, that I am just being indifferent with them, that I don't appreciate their efforts, that I need to stop talking like "if you had hypothyroidism" (that is what they tell me when I am feeling down, no offense nor mock towards the ones who have this illness). Those things actually make me feel worse than I had already been feeling before they spoke.
Continuing with December, everything seemed out of place for me. It was just weird. I consider it a strange month. Then January came, and everything shattered. I felt like I had gained weight, making all the things go worse than they were since it added another issue. I started to lose interest in some activities I really liked such as debating. I started to cut again. Academic pressure was increasing, and everything and everyone started to feel distant. In February, things got strange. I still had problems with my weight, and debate was no longer interesting for me, but I had to simulate it was because there was a big event I had to participate in and in previous years I had always won. In this edition I didn't. Everything felt so tiring. I know I let everyone down. Everyone was so used to it that they expected it, but I knew I couldn't because I didn't feel like that.
Now, everyone is here, but I am not. Now, I understand that from the beginning, I was the one who was out of place. Everyone has their own lives, friends, families and problems. Everyone is comfortable with themselves.
Now, with the coronavirus around, I still feel alienated from everything. I know I should care for my loved ones, so forcibly, I must care for myself to avoid them getting infected.

I must say that among those months, there had been multiple pleasant and happy moments that still make me feel attached to this reality, but in the future, I don't see anything that I am waiting for, but taking care of my cats. I know I am a fraud, stupid and annoying. I try to improve myself but it doesn't work. I will continue with it, yet I am sure that there will not be an amazing improvement in my mental health and perception of myself. I have stopped self harming but don't know for how long. I just try my best to avoid it.
I love my family, despite their commentaries.
I believe my cats are the ones that continue to give me hope about it.

 

[one4all]

Thank you

 

[faust]

I think you are not alone with your thoughts and feelings...
Sorry, you are dealing with all of this.
I would like to thank you for telling us your story, I am glad you found the place where you can openly talk about everything that worries you!
Do what your heart tells you - all the people are capable of being wrong, so everything that is concerning your life should be your own life. You can listen to advice, but do how you feel is necessary.
Wish you a good luck!

 

[Iloveyouall]

"if you had hypothyroidism"

Who the hell say that ? That's so odd.

You're not a fraud, everything that you said and your pain seem pretty real to me.

Have you told your friend that you lost his/her gift ?

I know I let everyone down.

Hey easy to say but don't feel guilty for other's expectations. Life is hard enough with your own.

As I understand it you are in some sort of emotional roller-coaster and feel trapped in it ?

Have you tried drawing on you skin instead of self-harming ? I know it helped some people.

 

[Feline lover]

Who the hell say that ? That's so odd.

You're not a fraud, everything that you said and your pain seem pretty real to me.

Have you told your friend that you lost his/her gift ?


Hey easy to say but don't feel guilty for other's expectations. Life is hard enough with your own.

As I understand it you are in some sort of emotional roller-coaster and feel trapped in it ?

Have you tried drawing on you skin instead of self-harming ? I know it helped some people.

The hypothyroidism thing were my parents. When I feel down, I tend to talk slowly and quietly and I don't know why.

I'll try the drawing thing when I am down. The thing that prevents it is another bracelet that is strategically placed to avoid it.

Yes, I told him. He didn't react angry, in fact, two weeks ago he gave me a replacement, but I don't use it very often because it reminds me of the one I lost.

Thank you for your understanding, it really means a lot to me.

I think you are not alone with your thoughts and feelings...
Sorry, you are dealing with all of this.
I would like to thank you for telling us your story, I am glad you found the place where you can openly talk about everything that worries you!
Do what your heart tells you - all the people are capable of being wrong, so everything that is concerning your life should be your own life. You can listen to advice, but do how you feel is necessary.
Wish you a good luck!

Thank you so much for your support. I really appreciate it. ️

 

[Iloveyouall]

If you ever feel the need to talk, vent or even rant about anything, don't ever hesitate to talk to us, don't hesitate to pm me either. We are all here for you