asterisk3
gone
- Jan 5, 2023
- 64
I don't even know where to begin. I've been struggling for so long, and it feels like the weight of the world is crushing me. I've always had this notion that I hadto be a superhero, a survival expert that needed to be strong and resilient enough and always keep going no matter the odds. But the truth is, I'm not either of those. I'm just a guy, a fucked up guy, and my survival mechanism has limits.
I've been dealing with so much pain and suffering for so long that I feel like I have no reason to live. I've tried so hard to find something positive to hold onto, but everything just feels so empty. I have no good looks, no good wealth, no strong social connections, no academic or career motivation because of several, multiple failures. I'm just a shell of a person, going through the motions of life without really feeling anything. On top of all that, I have illnesses that I can't seem to get proper help for. It really feels like the world and God are against me, like nothing will ever go right in my life. I'm tired of fighting, and trying to be strong when I feel like I have nothing left to give and am just pushing myself to my limits constantly to no avail.
People say that things will get better, that "There's always hope!". But what if there isn't? What if this is all there is for me? What if I'm just meant to suffer for the rest of my life? I don't want this! And worst of all I don't have the strength, will or motivation to do anything about it anymore. Not alone. Not alone I don't. I feel like I'm just existing at this point. Very, very far from living. I know this sounds melodramatic and exaggerated, but it's how I truly feel. I just want to give up, to let go of all this pain and suffering and FINALLY be at peace. But I know that's not gonna happen. Not without drugs, or not without strong, constant intervention from outside that could help me get back on my feet "properly".
There's this will, this voice that tells me I need to keep fighting, to keep trying to find something positive in my life. But the pain is monumental. Every single thing I feel is monumental, probably due to some atrocious feedback loops in my childhood along with my genetics and no guidance on how to deal with it properly afterwards. It's just very hard to keep going when everything feels so hopeless. My will is fading, my survival instinct, and I feel like I can only watch as it crumbles apart and I'm left to 1) overdose or 2) gory physical death.
My academic and psychological failures have also only added to this sense of disappointment. I've always wanted to do well in school and to excel in my personal life, but no matter how hard I try, it seems like I'm always falling short. I feel like a failure in every sense of the word, and it's taken a heavy toll on me. All of this has left me feeling completely alone and isolated from the world around me. It's like I'm on the outside looking in, watching everyone else living their lives and feeling like I'm not a part of it. It's a painful, suffocating feeling that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I've tried to reach out to others, to connect with them and find some sense of belonging, but it always seems to end in fear and disappointment. Maybe it's in part my fault, but it feels like no one really understands me or cares about me. It's like a vicious cycle that seems impossible to break - I'm disappointed in others because I feel like they don't understand or care about me, and I'm disappointed in myself because I can't seem to connect with them, and then avoid. It's a constant battle that leaves me feeling drained and hopeless.
I know that I "need" to keep trying, to keep "pushing" through the pain and try to make the most out of my situation. But it's brutal. Feels nearly impossible. How much "trying" and "doing" is enough? I don't even do half of what I did when I had more hope. And this world is naturally competitive. That means people have to fail so others can rise. Honestly maybe I'm one of the people who got the short end of the stick and that's it. So maybe I should check out before I spend an eternity of suffering on this plane(t).
If you're going through similar feelings, I wish you the best of luck.
I've been dealing with so much pain and suffering for so long that I feel like I have no reason to live. I've tried so hard to find something positive to hold onto, but everything just feels so empty. I have no good looks, no good wealth, no strong social connections, no academic or career motivation because of several, multiple failures. I'm just a shell of a person, going through the motions of life without really feeling anything. On top of all that, I have illnesses that I can't seem to get proper help for. It really feels like the world and God are against me, like nothing will ever go right in my life. I'm tired of fighting, and trying to be strong when I feel like I have nothing left to give and am just pushing myself to my limits constantly to no avail.
People say that things will get better, that "There's always hope!". But what if there isn't? What if this is all there is for me? What if I'm just meant to suffer for the rest of my life? I don't want this! And worst of all I don't have the strength, will or motivation to do anything about it anymore. Not alone. Not alone I don't. I feel like I'm just existing at this point. Very, very far from living. I know this sounds melodramatic and exaggerated, but it's how I truly feel. I just want to give up, to let go of all this pain and suffering and FINALLY be at peace. But I know that's not gonna happen. Not without drugs, or not without strong, constant intervention from outside that could help me get back on my feet "properly".
There's this will, this voice that tells me I need to keep fighting, to keep trying to find something positive in my life. But the pain is monumental. Every single thing I feel is monumental, probably due to some atrocious feedback loops in my childhood along with my genetics and no guidance on how to deal with it properly afterwards. It's just very hard to keep going when everything feels so hopeless. My will is fading, my survival instinct, and I feel like I can only watch as it crumbles apart and I'm left to 1) overdose or 2) gory physical death.
My academic and psychological failures have also only added to this sense of disappointment. I've always wanted to do well in school and to excel in my personal life, but no matter how hard I try, it seems like I'm always falling short. I feel like a failure in every sense of the word, and it's taken a heavy toll on me. All of this has left me feeling completely alone and isolated from the world around me. It's like I'm on the outside looking in, watching everyone else living their lives and feeling like I'm not a part of it. It's a painful, suffocating feeling that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I've tried to reach out to others, to connect with them and find some sense of belonging, but it always seems to end in fear and disappointment. Maybe it's in part my fault, but it feels like no one really understands me or cares about me. It's like a vicious cycle that seems impossible to break - I'm disappointed in others because I feel like they don't understand or care about me, and I'm disappointed in myself because I can't seem to connect with them, and then avoid. It's a constant battle that leaves me feeling drained and hopeless.
I know that I "need" to keep trying, to keep "pushing" through the pain and try to make the most out of my situation. But it's brutal. Feels nearly impossible. How much "trying" and "doing" is enough? I don't even do half of what I did when I had more hope. And this world is naturally competitive. That means people have to fail so others can rise. Honestly maybe I'm one of the people who got the short end of the stick and that's it. So maybe I should check out before I spend an eternity of suffering on this plane(t).
If you're going through similar feelings, I wish you the best of luck.
