Saturday I had the date. Damn I will never be able to tell her the name of the profile and the suicide forum I am browsing in case we come together. This is like the 10 th time where I express that I am not that interested in her. I think we are both calculating. Be both know we don't really fit. But we already invested two months of texting. Tbh I had to go for walks for several hours once per week with her. My therapists recommended to me doing more sports but I hate it so much. There is something healthy in it but it simply is not me. Moreover, we both know that loneliness sucks. I think she likes that I am not a fuckboy. One of my biggest problems is: one or two whatsapp messages is a lot for her. Sorry but this makes me feel pretty lonely. I think she had to change for that. I need more devotion. We don't share the same interests at all and the chemistry is not that good.
Meanwhile I am torturing myself with 2 hours today it was more like 3-4 hours with swipping on dating apps and taking new pictures and optimizing my profile. I noticed there is only a small time window to find someone. College starts in October I wouldn't be able to stomach dating and studying at the same time.
But damn today at my self-help group. On the ride to college I took the bus and who do I notice some seats next to me my fucking crush. She knows of my love delusions and that I tend to develop crushs on women close to me. Maybe I idealize her a little bit too much. I looked at her and seemed to ignore me. I think she does not want to trigger my love delusions. However, I noticed she seems to like me. But I am not sure whether it is in a romantic way or just friendship. I noticed this in some interactions but I am very bad at interpreting them. I overthink them. But she always laughs at my jokes and I noticed how she sometimes looks at me. After leaving the bus I put off my ear phones. We walked next to each other in awkward silence. I was pretty transparent how my crushs and love delusions work. She knows what is going on in my head. And I think I already spilled the tea that I am interested in her. First, we walked next to each other for quite some minutes in silence. When we came close to the room I broke the silence. The last time I tried to approach a woman at my self-help group I almost died out of shame when I realized it was a delusion. Today was the first time we talked to each other outside the usual group conversation. After we had some chit-chat I dropped some jokes and made her laugh. And she seemed to be interested in me. She liked the jokes and did not block me approaching her . Sadly, we were interrupted by another guy but I dropped some more jokes which made her laugh too. She told me she plans to visit this group till September and might want to re-start her life in a different city. It was obvious I am interested in her. But I am reluctant to show it because of the past disasters. Later in the group I talked about the date from Saturday. I said that the date was nice/okay but that I don't think we fit to each other.
Honestly, this woman in my self-help group drives me crazy. Compared to the one from the dating app. I think there is some logic in that. After I told all my pathetic, sad and embarrassing stories in my self-help group it would be the ultimate proof of love if she still was interested in me. This would be pure and unconditional love. Maybe I am idealizing her too much but we have a pretty good chemistry.
I think if I told the woman from that dating app the half or a quarter of my story she would immediately search for someone else.
I hope I meet my crush from the self-help group again in the bus next week. Only when noone else is around I have enough courage to approach her. Maybe I should have broken the silence earlier. But it was amazing to talk with her and to laugh with each other. Damn.
Meanwhile I am torturing myself with 2 hours today it was more like 3-4 hours with swipping on dating apps and taking new pictures and optimizing my profile. I noticed there is only a small time window to find someone. College starts in October I wouldn't be able to stomach dating and studying at the same time.
But damn today at my self-help group. On the ride to college I took the bus and who do I notice some seats next to me my fucking crush. She knows of my love delusions and that I tend to develop crushs on women close to me. Maybe I idealize her a little bit too much. I looked at her and seemed to ignore me. I think she does not want to trigger my love delusions. However, I noticed she seems to like me. But I am not sure whether it is in a romantic way or just friendship. I noticed this in some interactions but I am very bad at interpreting them. I overthink them. But she always laughs at my jokes and I noticed how she sometimes looks at me. After leaving the bus I put off my ear phones. We walked next to each other in awkward silence. I was pretty transparent how my crushs and love delusions work. She knows what is going on in my head. And I think I already spilled the tea that I am interested in her. First, we walked next to each other for quite some minutes in silence. When we came close to the room I broke the silence. The last time I tried to approach a woman at my self-help group I almost died out of shame when I realized it was a delusion. Today was the first time we talked to each other outside the usual group conversation. After we had some chit-chat I dropped some jokes and made her laugh. And she seemed to be interested in me. She liked the jokes and did not block me approaching her . Sadly, we were interrupted by another guy but I dropped some more jokes which made her laugh too. She told me she plans to visit this group till September and might want to re-start her life in a different city. It was obvious I am interested in her. But I am reluctant to show it because of the past disasters. Later in the group I talked about the date from Saturday. I said that the date was nice/okay but that I don't think we fit to each other.
Honestly, this woman in my self-help group drives me crazy. Compared to the one from the dating app. I think there is some logic in that. After I told all my pathetic, sad and embarrassing stories in my self-help group it would be the ultimate proof of love if she still was interested in me. This would be pure and unconditional love. Maybe I am idealizing her too much but we have a pretty good chemistry.
I think if I told the woman from that dating app the half or a quarter of my story she would immediately search for someone else.
I hope I meet my crush from the self-help group again in the bus next week. Only when noone else is around I have enough courage to approach her. Maybe I should have broken the silence earlier. But it was amazing to talk with her and to laugh with each other. Damn.
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