pleaseiwanttogo
I looked everywhere for peace
- Sep 11, 2023
- 59
This is my friend's story, and after discovering more of that, I thought it could be good for some of you to read, there are important lessons on this story.
He told me he had other accounts here but lost them, I could found one besides the last one he had, but I think that, if there were more, it would be only one, but I still couldn't find that one.
He found the website years ago and started to interact here, made friends, were always solicit and empathetic to people. He had a plan on mind but discovered SN here, and that became his first alternative. He bought SN three times and didn't use it, and he said in his posts that he felt it was not time yet, the right time would appear to him. He was right, he discovered SN on 2020 and could have taken it, but years later he found the love of his life, they fell in love and had great months together. When I discovered he not only had the SN but was so close to taken it (with literally everything ready to do so, cup on hand and everything) but something told him to wait, I was speechless. He did have something amazing awaiting for him. He was right, his gut feeling was right. So if you, someone with suicidal thoughts reading this, don't feel ready yet, just wait, maybe there's something amazing awaiting for you too. Like he always said, there's no rush, maybe stick here for a bit longer and who knows.
I could follow his posts for some years, and it was so interesting seeing the way he thought years ago and how it changed for when I met him, two months before he catched the bus. He saw good things in life, although didn't think they were enough, he had people he trusted, he cared so much for his mom and dogs, and he tried, he did tried for a while, but the weight of mental illnesses were heavy, and he started to lean on other things, drugs, and it became another problem. See, a lot of people who were active users of this website recovered, so do not use him as an example for "it's not possible, I can't get better", instead, see how he tried besides how bad he was, and that gave him more years, more great experiences in life, and his biggest love story. And man, he loved her so much. More than lovers, they were friends, and how he always said, she understood him like nobody else, he could be himself around her, and I believe she was very happy too, besides her own problems.
Something I found very interesting on his posts was there he always told people to do it when they were ready, and in the short time I knew him, he "tried" once but gave up. The second time he planned, he really did it, but I believe he had a really clear mind on that, because of how he addressed the subject. And that gives me comfort on believing my friend was sure of his decision, he was really done and it was his time, because each person can decide their own time. And really, reading the old posts were a relieve I didn't expect. I've been thinking about him everyday for the past months, but now I can finally see with a different point of view, he did tried, he waited, he enjoyed many things. The grief will go on, I'll still miss him, but I believe my friend is okay, because he did it with peace of mind.
Some other things that might be useful for other people: because he was sure to CTB, he gathered all his money, credit cards and loans and really enjoyed his lasts months, did some things he really wanted to and had a great time, so if someone is wondering if that's a good idea, I would definitely say so.
He followed an updated version of the protocol, I can't say exactly which because he posted here and I want to maintain his profiles private. But yes, another proof the SN protocol works, and his seems "simple", not too many items.
Apparently he had many friends here, and unfortunately I'm not sure if they know he passed away and I can't dm then, but it's interesting that many of them also passed away, and my friend said years ago: "I can't see myself in five years". Guess what. He was gone four years later. I found it ironic, he was actually right. Also, in the same topic, some people who are still around interacted with three (three!!) posts of the guy saying goodbye, and I found that a bit funny for itself, but even more because they're actually really active members here (there I like very much although I don't interact privately), so I was thinking, imagine how many people we could have interacted with that are now gone and we don't know? Something to think about.
Now, an advice I received some time ago and didn't plan to follow, but now I completely agree: be really cautious with who you talk to or become friends here, most of us plan to CTB, do you think you'll be ok after they're gone? I thought I would, I really thought I would, now it has been four months and I've cried for him so many times, in so many weird places, and thought about him and missed him so often that you wouldn't believe. I can't possibly count how many times I talked about him to my therapists and friends and none of them are happy to see me crying at the bar because of my dead friend again. I swear. It happens in all types of places. I'm talking dance floors, stranger's beds, parks, concerts, buses, Ubers, strangers houses, parties, museums, parking lots, supermarkets, driving, in the rain, in the elevator... Almost everywhere. I do not recommend that to anyone so just be careful ok. Don't want you randomly crying like me.
And no, I'm not talking just about crying, os the heavy grief of losing someone, is knowing you'll never see or talk to someone you love, someone who's important to you. Do you think you can handle that?
Now I want to say thank you to you, F, this random guy that randomly DMed me and that became a huge part of my year, not to say my life. Thank you for the talks, the trust, for listening, for making me laugh, for being crazy like that, for the sweet nicknames, for the calls, for holding my hands, for the openess, for the care you had for your loved ones, for your love for me. I will always love you and you'll always have a place in my heart. Although our friendship was short, I'll always remember you and, yes, I'll move on with my life, I'll live, explore and love. And as much as I can and as much as she let's me, I'll be there for your mom (and your dog hahahah). You were a great person, I'm sorry it had to be this way, but I wish you eternal peace, that you are with her and you two are living your love in eternity. Or nothingness if you prefer.
And for every friend of him here, for everyone who were so kind to him, my most precious thank you. F was an unique person, I treasure my moments with him and my only regret was to say goodbye too soon. I'm happy to know this community helped him, that he made friends and talked to people here, I bet that made a huge difference for him. So, thank you. Your kindness makes the world a better place.
As for you, F, I will forever love you, you were an unique and precious person and story in my life, you taught me important things and were a kindhearted friend. I'm sure you're great wherever you are, but I'm wishing you great things from here anyway.
Other informations: I posted about him two or three times before (or more?), you can look it up if you want (search bar), or dm me for the links. I won't attach the links here because I don't want the access to be so easy for outsiders, since in the other trends I talk about my grief and not about him. Please respect my wish and do not comment the links or thread names.
If you read until here, woow, thanks, really appreciate it. Wishing you a great day from here
His time here and his interactions
Things to learn and remember with him
Some coincidences and ironies
People who interacted with him and are still here, a moment for thought
Online friends on SaSu, an advice
A thankful note to him and to everyone who were so kind with my friend
Other informations
Things to learn and remember with him
Some coincidences and ironies
People who interacted with him and are still here, a moment for thought
Online friends on SaSu, an advice
A thankful note to him and to everyone who were so kind with my friend
Other informations
He told me he had other accounts here but lost them, I could found one besides the last one he had, but I think that, if there were more, it would be only one, but I still couldn't find that one.
He found the website years ago and started to interact here, made friends, were always solicit and empathetic to people. He had a plan on mind but discovered SN here, and that became his first alternative. He bought SN three times and didn't use it, and he said in his posts that he felt it was not time yet, the right time would appear to him. He was right, he discovered SN on 2020 and could have taken it, but years later he found the love of his life, they fell in love and had great months together. When I discovered he not only had the SN but was so close to taken it (with literally everything ready to do so, cup on hand and everything) but something told him to wait, I was speechless. He did have something amazing awaiting for him. He was right, his gut feeling was right. So if you, someone with suicidal thoughts reading this, don't feel ready yet, just wait, maybe there's something amazing awaiting for you too. Like he always said, there's no rush, maybe stick here for a bit longer and who knows.
I could follow his posts for some years, and it was so interesting seeing the way he thought years ago and how it changed for when I met him, two months before he catched the bus. He saw good things in life, although didn't think they were enough, he had people he trusted, he cared so much for his mom and dogs, and he tried, he did tried for a while, but the weight of mental illnesses were heavy, and he started to lean on other things, drugs, and it became another problem. See, a lot of people who were active users of this website recovered, so do not use him as an example for "it's not possible, I can't get better", instead, see how he tried besides how bad he was, and that gave him more years, more great experiences in life, and his biggest love story. And man, he loved her so much. More than lovers, they were friends, and how he always said, she understood him like nobody else, he could be himself around her, and I believe she was very happy too, besides her own problems.
Something I found very interesting on his posts was there he always told people to do it when they were ready, and in the short time I knew him, he "tried" once but gave up. The second time he planned, he really did it, but I believe he had a really clear mind on that, because of how he addressed the subject. And that gives me comfort on believing my friend was sure of his decision, he was really done and it was his time, because each person can decide their own time. And really, reading the old posts were a relieve I didn't expect. I've been thinking about him everyday for the past months, but now I can finally see with a different point of view, he did tried, he waited, he enjoyed many things. The grief will go on, I'll still miss him, but I believe my friend is okay, because he did it with peace of mind.
Some other things that might be useful for other people: because he was sure to CTB, he gathered all his money, credit cards and loans and really enjoyed his lasts months, did some things he really wanted to and had a great time, so if someone is wondering if that's a good idea, I would definitely say so.
He followed an updated version of the protocol, I can't say exactly which because he posted here and I want to maintain his profiles private. But yes, another proof the SN protocol works, and his seems "simple", not too many items.
Apparently he had many friends here, and unfortunately I'm not sure if they know he passed away and I can't dm then, but it's interesting that many of them also passed away, and my friend said years ago: "I can't see myself in five years". Guess what. He was gone four years later. I found it ironic, he was actually right. Also, in the same topic, some people who are still around interacted with three (three!!) posts of the guy saying goodbye, and I found that a bit funny for itself, but even more because they're actually really active members here (there I like very much although I don't interact privately), so I was thinking, imagine how many people we could have interacted with that are now gone and we don't know? Something to think about.
Now, an advice I received some time ago and didn't plan to follow, but now I completely agree: be really cautious with who you talk to or become friends here, most of us plan to CTB, do you think you'll be ok after they're gone? I thought I would, I really thought I would, now it has been four months and I've cried for him so many times, in so many weird places, and thought about him and missed him so often that you wouldn't believe. I can't possibly count how many times I talked about him to my therapists and friends and none of them are happy to see me crying at the bar because of my dead friend again. I swear. It happens in all types of places. I'm talking dance floors, stranger's beds, parks, concerts, buses, Ubers, strangers houses, parties, museums, parking lots, supermarkets, driving, in the rain, in the elevator... Almost everywhere. I do not recommend that to anyone so just be careful ok. Don't want you randomly crying like me.
And no, I'm not talking just about crying, os the heavy grief of losing someone, is knowing you'll never see or talk to someone you love, someone who's important to you. Do you think you can handle that?
Now I want to say thank you to you, F, this random guy that randomly DMed me and that became a huge part of my year, not to say my life. Thank you for the talks, the trust, for listening, for making me laugh, for being crazy like that, for the sweet nicknames, for the calls, for holding my hands, for the openess, for the care you had for your loved ones, for your love for me. I will always love you and you'll always have a place in my heart. Although our friendship was short, I'll always remember you and, yes, I'll move on with my life, I'll live, explore and love. And as much as I can and as much as she let's me, I'll be there for your mom (and your dog hahahah). You were a great person, I'm sorry it had to be this way, but I wish you eternal peace, that you are with her and you two are living your love in eternity. Or nothingness if you prefer.
And for every friend of him here, for everyone who were so kind to him, my most precious thank you. F was an unique person, I treasure my moments with him and my only regret was to say goodbye too soon. I'm happy to know this community helped him, that he made friends and talked to people here, I bet that made a huge difference for him. So, thank you. Your kindness makes the world a better place.
As for you, F, I will forever love you, you were an unique and precious person and story in my life, you taught me important things and were a kindhearted friend. I'm sure you're great wherever you are, but I'm wishing you great things from here anyway.
Other informations: I posted about him two or three times before (or more?), you can look it up if you want (search bar), or dm me for the links. I won't attach the links here because I don't want the access to be so easy for outsiders, since in the other trends I talk about my grief and not about him. Please respect my wish and do not comment the links or thread names.
If you read until here, woow, thanks, really appreciate it. Wishing you a great day from here
