Venting Yearning for something I shouldn’t have.

[Afterglow]

I think one of the things that bothers me the most in this life is how badly I still want to be loved.

Love in a real, close, everyday kind of way. To have someone who actually knows the real me with all my quirks and qualities. Someone who I don't have to filter myself around. Someone who stays for more than a few months.

And then immediately after that thought, I realise that it is the most selfish thing I could possibly do. I am going to die. I'm not sure when, I only know of it's method and inevitability.

I don't trust myself to be stable for someone. I don't trust my own mind to not ruin things. I don't trust myself enough to not drag someone else down with me. It feels wrong to want to be that important to someone when I can barely hold myself together most days.

So it turns into this loop where I want connection, but I also feel like I should stay away from it for everyone else's sake.

I don't know how people reconcile that. Wanting to be close to someone, while also feeling like the safest thing you can do for them is to keep your distance.

It feels like something I want, and something I should never have at the same time.

 

[U. A.]

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[violetforever]

So it turns into this loop where I want connection, but I also feel like I should stay away from it for everyone else's sake.

my life in a sentence. people havent been kind to me in love so i should stay away from it for my own sake too.

 

[kurikaesu]

i fear i'l never love someone properly because of my lack of experience and complete struggle to convey those emotions "the right way" with a partner, my therapist says there is no "right way" or such a thing as "normal" all the time and it doesn't help in the slightest - even if i had a foot in the door with experience, i still relate to everything in this post, heart-wrenchingly so :(