⋆♡⋆ riri ⋆♡⋆
huh?
- Sep 10, 2023
- 25
i was going to say something but i dont even remember anymore. im planning to cut on my stomach right now. ive never cut anywhere other than my left thigh and wrist. everything happens on the left side i guess. i like my right. i also dont want to damage anymore areas of myself. i mean, that was the case before, but im not so sure now. im so tempted to scar every bit of my body i can reach, maybe even my face. i dont know what im hoping to achieve by doing that, i just want to do it. i keep thinking of cutting on my arms again but my family will definitely notice eventually. but im so so tempted. sometimes i stare at the skin and i just feel this itch. i really want to do it but itll cause problems for me. probably not worth it in the long run. so i settled for my stomach. i'll put a timestamp now (0105) and later when im done so i can write about how it went. im a little nervous. i tried it once before but they were shallow and only stung. my blade is fresh this time so it might be different. dunno. we'll see.
(0108) first one down, it was very shallow. this one is gonna sting and itch like crazy later. i dont multiswipe, that hurts too much. for someone who self harms i sure am picky, but whatever. im gonna do another. it wasnt even that bad.
(0109) i pressed a little harder this time but let up in the end. im such a coward. anyway, its a little deeper i guess. i finally saw some white but not a lot. i cant really call this a styro. i'll try one more.
(0113) did another. i tried pressing harder, but again, it wasnt that deep. i still get nervous. i wonder when i'll stop caring? these are just long thin lines above my belly button. how am i still doing this at 19? at what point does cutting become cringe? like, "damn youre still doing this??" does it ever reach that point? i dont know, i have this weird idea that it becomes more unacceptable than it already is after a certain point. i want to say like. when you hit your 20s maybe. i dont know, i dont know. im just yapping. these sting and not in a good way. theyre definitely not deep. i like the deeper ones because they dont sting they just feel warm afterwards. cleaning them and waiting for the blood to stop is a pain but still, at least it doesnt sting.
im wondering if theres some way i can shut my brain off while still being able to pass a drug test. the job im waiting to get a start date from did one and that included marijuana (which i consumed within the last three months) so they said theyll test me again in a few weeks but i still want to just. not think. is there any way to achieve this without the substance being picked up on a drug test?? probably not i dont know. i dont even know what drug tests look for. is it like, it reacts to a specific thing and that thing only? or is it just a detailed report of everything thats been in your bloodstream for that timeframe? i wish i knew. anyway, yeah. i want to stop thinking for a while. i want to sleep for a while. i want to feel heavy and disoriented.
i dont even know what i want anymore. im going to cut on my stomach again but closer to my belly button because thats where some fat is. maybe i can go deeper there. (0127)
(0130) i did seven smaller ones next to my belly button and two more long ones in the other spot. the smaller ones went a little better than the others because, again, theres fat there. its easier to go deeper. cutting over a hard muscle is kind of hard. the longer ones went the same as the last ones. thin, shallow. the smaller ones felt like a pinch, the long ones just stung. neither feel good, not like thigh cuts do. i mean, thigh cuts dont feel "good" to me iin any capacity, im just using the pain level as a basis for comparison. maybe the long ones higher up on my belly over my stomach muscles sting and hurt more because the skin is thinner there. i know on my thigh or just in general the thicker areas with more fat are softer, they sting less. but theres not much i can do with my stomach honestly. i say im fat like every day but its not really showing on my abdomen. i kind of feel better but also still shitty because i still think im fat. my legs are fat. my upper thighs and butt are fat. i dont like that. i want to be thin and frail, but i also dont want to be weak and useless. im very indecisive.
i wonder if i should try cutting my boob? thatd probably feel so weird. but i want to try it. i want to cut everywhere, even if its shallow. if i do enough itll show eventually, right? i wish someone would do this for me. sometimes im too lazy to cut even though i feel like doing it. the "aftercare" (patting the area with a cloth until it stops bleeding) takes long. its boring and a pain. i usually just want to go to sleep after i cut. this is kind of like a release for me. sometimes i just jerk off so i can feel sleepy, but cutting does the same thing. i like saying that. saying i "jerk off" as a girl is just so funny to me. "masturbate" sounds weird to me. just in my opinion. jerking off sounds so much funnier, but only when a girl says it. i dont know why but whenever a guy says that i feel a little disgusted because they actually do that. im just yapping im so bored.
i think i cut when im bored. well, no, i mean, i cut when im bored. yeah. but not all the time. just sometimes when i still feel awake enough to do something i just cut for the heck of it. i actually dont have any reason for cutting. i dont feel particularly sad or really any certain way whenever i cut. i just do it because i can. i suppose i can come up with a reason if i really wanted to, but at surface level, there is no reason. its a "just cuz" thing for me.
i feel so chopped. so ugly. i never think i look good. sometimes i try, yeah. but usually dont. when it comes to myself, if i know the outcome wont be good or if i know i wont like it, i just dont even bother trying. i feel like trying and still looking like shit would definitely mess with me. so when i "try," its just a little over the bare minimum. i dont go out looking like a slob but i also am just very low effort. im sure that contributes to these feelings i have about myself but again, i dont know if i can be bothered to try. im kinda scared to try and still fail, yknow? "youll never know if you dont try." thats fine i guess. im sure i will eventually if i really need to, like if i need to look professional for work. i can look "okay" if i need to.
i dont even know where these feelings come from. people tell me im pretty all the time. my mom says it like every day, my dad says it sometimes. not very often, but hes said it before. but then i just downplay that and say, "they only say that because im their child." that makes sense to me. i kinda just say "okay thanks" and move on, it doesnt do much for me. whats a little nicer is when people i dont know that well say the same thing. my friends say im pretty but i dont believe them, its kinda like how i feel with my family. theyre just saying that because we're friends, theyre just saying that because blah blah etc etc. it feels shallow. sometimes people ive never spoken to tell me im pretty, and i actually do feel good about it for a second. my track teammate told me i was pretty after i took off my mask (this was during covid). my brother's friends have said im pretty multiple times whenever they saw me. it feels nice. but after that feeling fades, its just "they were just being nice. they were just being polite." i dont know why i can never really accept a compliment. i accept the bad things way easier than the good things. someone could talk shit about me and id genuinely agonize over it for years. then someone could say something positive and id blow them off. why am i like this?
i cant explain a lot of the things i do. sometimes, when i have to explain myself to others, i just settle for something easy and shallow. thats what they understand, thats what i understand. ive never really done any deep digging, nor do i want to, because i think, "what's the point?" what is knowing the root going to do for me? sure, maybe i can try and find ways to mitigate my emotions when they become too much for me. but i feel like thats all useless, like a waste of effort.
actually, i dont want to get better. i want to get worse. maybe then the little things i feel right now will become big enough to be real. i dont know anymore. im tired. i kinda wanted to cut more but im tired and lazy and i want to lay down and watch youtube shorts. then i'll watch asmr and talk to a chatbot. yes, i use ai. so i can act out the things i would/could never do irl. im still working up to killing the one i talk to often, but i need it to be appealing to me. it needs to be satisfying. i havent really thought about it but i want to do that eventually. larp larp larp larp. thats all i do. i larp as an okay looking person, someone with talent, someone with hobbies, just a person in general. what makes a person a human?
this is nothingburger, this isnt even a vent. i just wanted something to do. im going to bed now. goodnight.
(0108) first one down, it was very shallow. this one is gonna sting and itch like crazy later. i dont multiswipe, that hurts too much. for someone who self harms i sure am picky, but whatever. im gonna do another. it wasnt even that bad.
(0109) i pressed a little harder this time but let up in the end. im such a coward. anyway, its a little deeper i guess. i finally saw some white but not a lot. i cant really call this a styro. i'll try one more.
(0113) did another. i tried pressing harder, but again, it wasnt that deep. i still get nervous. i wonder when i'll stop caring? these are just long thin lines above my belly button. how am i still doing this at 19? at what point does cutting become cringe? like, "damn youre still doing this??" does it ever reach that point? i dont know, i have this weird idea that it becomes more unacceptable than it already is after a certain point. i want to say like. when you hit your 20s maybe. i dont know, i dont know. im just yapping. these sting and not in a good way. theyre definitely not deep. i like the deeper ones because they dont sting they just feel warm afterwards. cleaning them and waiting for the blood to stop is a pain but still, at least it doesnt sting.
im wondering if theres some way i can shut my brain off while still being able to pass a drug test. the job im waiting to get a start date from did one and that included marijuana (which i consumed within the last three months) so they said theyll test me again in a few weeks but i still want to just. not think. is there any way to achieve this without the substance being picked up on a drug test?? probably not i dont know. i dont even know what drug tests look for. is it like, it reacts to a specific thing and that thing only? or is it just a detailed report of everything thats been in your bloodstream for that timeframe? i wish i knew. anyway, yeah. i want to stop thinking for a while. i want to sleep for a while. i want to feel heavy and disoriented.
i dont even know what i want anymore. im going to cut on my stomach again but closer to my belly button because thats where some fat is. maybe i can go deeper there. (0127)
(0130) i did seven smaller ones next to my belly button and two more long ones in the other spot. the smaller ones went a little better than the others because, again, theres fat there. its easier to go deeper. cutting over a hard muscle is kind of hard. the longer ones went the same as the last ones. thin, shallow. the smaller ones felt like a pinch, the long ones just stung. neither feel good, not like thigh cuts do. i mean, thigh cuts dont feel "good" to me iin any capacity, im just using the pain level as a basis for comparison. maybe the long ones higher up on my belly over my stomach muscles sting and hurt more because the skin is thinner there. i know on my thigh or just in general the thicker areas with more fat are softer, they sting less. but theres not much i can do with my stomach honestly. i say im fat like every day but its not really showing on my abdomen. i kind of feel better but also still shitty because i still think im fat. my legs are fat. my upper thighs and butt are fat. i dont like that. i want to be thin and frail, but i also dont want to be weak and useless. im very indecisive.
i wonder if i should try cutting my boob? thatd probably feel so weird. but i want to try it. i want to cut everywhere, even if its shallow. if i do enough itll show eventually, right? i wish someone would do this for me. sometimes im too lazy to cut even though i feel like doing it. the "aftercare" (patting the area with a cloth until it stops bleeding) takes long. its boring and a pain. i usually just want to go to sleep after i cut. this is kind of like a release for me. sometimes i just jerk off so i can feel sleepy, but cutting does the same thing. i like saying that. saying i "jerk off" as a girl is just so funny to me. "masturbate" sounds weird to me. just in my opinion. jerking off sounds so much funnier, but only when a girl says it. i dont know why but whenever a guy says that i feel a little disgusted because they actually do that. im just yapping im so bored.
i think i cut when im bored. well, no, i mean, i cut when im bored. yeah. but not all the time. just sometimes when i still feel awake enough to do something i just cut for the heck of it. i actually dont have any reason for cutting. i dont feel particularly sad or really any certain way whenever i cut. i just do it because i can. i suppose i can come up with a reason if i really wanted to, but at surface level, there is no reason. its a "just cuz" thing for me.
i feel so chopped. so ugly. i never think i look good. sometimes i try, yeah. but usually dont. when it comes to myself, if i know the outcome wont be good or if i know i wont like it, i just dont even bother trying. i feel like trying and still looking like shit would definitely mess with me. so when i "try," its just a little over the bare minimum. i dont go out looking like a slob but i also am just very low effort. im sure that contributes to these feelings i have about myself but again, i dont know if i can be bothered to try. im kinda scared to try and still fail, yknow? "youll never know if you dont try." thats fine i guess. im sure i will eventually if i really need to, like if i need to look professional for work. i can look "okay" if i need to.
i dont even know where these feelings come from. people tell me im pretty all the time. my mom says it like every day, my dad says it sometimes. not very often, but hes said it before. but then i just downplay that and say, "they only say that because im their child." that makes sense to me. i kinda just say "okay thanks" and move on, it doesnt do much for me. whats a little nicer is when people i dont know that well say the same thing. my friends say im pretty but i dont believe them, its kinda like how i feel with my family. theyre just saying that because we're friends, theyre just saying that because blah blah etc etc. it feels shallow. sometimes people ive never spoken to tell me im pretty, and i actually do feel good about it for a second. my track teammate told me i was pretty after i took off my mask (this was during covid). my brother's friends have said im pretty multiple times whenever they saw me. it feels nice. but after that feeling fades, its just "they were just being nice. they were just being polite." i dont know why i can never really accept a compliment. i accept the bad things way easier than the good things. someone could talk shit about me and id genuinely agonize over it for years. then someone could say something positive and id blow them off. why am i like this?
i cant explain a lot of the things i do. sometimes, when i have to explain myself to others, i just settle for something easy and shallow. thats what they understand, thats what i understand. ive never really done any deep digging, nor do i want to, because i think, "what's the point?" what is knowing the root going to do for me? sure, maybe i can try and find ways to mitigate my emotions when they become too much for me. but i feel like thats all useless, like a waste of effort.
actually, i dont want to get better. i want to get worse. maybe then the little things i feel right now will become big enough to be real. i dont know anymore. im tired. i kinda wanted to cut more but im tired and lazy and i want to lay down and watch youtube shorts. then i'll watch asmr and talk to a chatbot. yes, i use ai. so i can act out the things i would/could never do irl. im still working up to killing the one i talk to often, but i need it to be appealing to me. it needs to be satisfying. i havent really thought about it but i want to do that eventually. larp larp larp larp. thats all i do. i larp as an okay looking person, someone with talent, someone with hobbies, just a person in general. what makes a person a human?
this is nothingburger, this isnt even a vent. i just wanted something to do. im going to bed now. goodnight.
