I really feel like I'm not even slightly normal. The way I act and think seems to be completely different from everyone else on this planet. I've been dealing with depression and the things people tell me to do really just don't align with my personality. One example is "focus on yourself first" or "don't rely on other people to make you happy". But what if that's the only way I will ever be happy? What if other people are at the centre of my life? I'm sitting here alone in my room and I feel like I'm the only person in the world.
I recently found a really nice girl that I love to talk to and I would literally do everything for her. She actually legitimately cares about me... she asks how my day is going, she cares about my opinions, she wants to involve me in her activities (such as gaming), she calls me all the time and she just generally makes me feel comfortable and happy. This has also caused me to fall in love with her very quickly because I haven't met someone like her in a very long time.
The issue is that I have this intense fear of losing her (primarily the friendship). Everything I do or say has to be checked multiple times to make sure that it is absolutely perfect because if I do anything wrong, I know she's going to abandon me. I'm also super paranoid about a lot of things like her opinions about me, how she feels about me, what she says to other people about me and I start to feel like it's just an act. This makes it seem like I'm distant and weird.
She has had a few issues with friends before, including me. People keep calling me stupid, retarded and a psycho for giving her another chance (and probably more chances in the future). She has BPD but she's not a freaking monster... she has a super nice personality and she is so incredibly kind. People abandon her because of this but I will never ever leave her and I believe we can get through the tough times together.
Right now, she is the only other person in my empty world and every single day I fear that she will leave and I will be all on my own again. Every single day I wonder if I'm good enough for her. We live on different continents which makes it so much more difficult and it scares me. I've been thinking about killing myself just because of this constant fear, panic and anxiety. I never ever want to go back to being all alone. As I'm writing this, she has sent me a message and my heart is racing and I'm panicking because I'm afraid I did something wrong. It feels like I'm going to explode. I freaking hate myself for being like this... why can't I just be normal? She deserves so much better than me.
I recently found a really nice girl that I love to talk to and I would literally do everything for her. She actually legitimately cares about me... she asks how my day is going, she cares about my opinions, she wants to involve me in her activities (such as gaming), she calls me all the time and she just generally makes me feel comfortable and happy. This has also caused me to fall in love with her very quickly because I haven't met someone like her in a very long time.
The issue is that I have this intense fear of losing her (primarily the friendship). Everything I do or say has to be checked multiple times to make sure that it is absolutely perfect because if I do anything wrong, I know she's going to abandon me. I'm also super paranoid about a lot of things like her opinions about me, how she feels about me, what she says to other people about me and I start to feel like it's just an act. This makes it seem like I'm distant and weird.
She has had a few issues with friends before, including me. People keep calling me stupid, retarded and a psycho for giving her another chance (and probably more chances in the future). She has BPD but she's not a freaking monster... she has a super nice personality and she is so incredibly kind. People abandon her because of this but I will never ever leave her and I believe we can get through the tough times together.
Right now, she is the only other person in my empty world and every single day I fear that she will leave and I will be all on my own again. Every single day I wonder if I'm good enough for her. We live on different continents which makes it so much more difficult and it scares me. I've been thinking about killing myself just because of this constant fear, panic and anxiety. I never ever want to go back to being all alone. As I'm writing this, she has sent me a message and my heart is racing and I'm panicking because I'm afraid I did something wrong. It feels like I'm going to explode. I freaking hate myself for being like this... why can't I just be normal? She deserves so much better than me.
