nomoredolor
New Member
- Sep 7, 2024
- 4
I bought a death planner (it's funny the cover says "SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, ITS ME" "a thoughtful and helpful guidebook for my loved ones after death or incapacitation.") It is incredibly detailed and gives peace of mind for all the minutia after death. It has a section for your last words, several pages where you can leave notes to loved ones.
I'm finding these intense and painful to write. I've been able to put aside my guilt for hurting the people I love in order to choose myself and a future where I'm no longer suffering physically and mentally. But writing these notes make me feel so bad. And I don't know how detailed to get. I don't want to make my loved ones feel worse about my death by adding unresolved turmoil (I.e. how my family treated me after coming out as queer or insert trauma.) And it's hard for me to go into the grizzly detail about why I want to end my life because even with writing it down I struggle to truly communicate and convey the depth of my feelings. (I'm autistic.) so far ive told them 1. How much I love them. 2. How sorry I am. 3 that it's not their fault and I'm responsible for my own decisions.
These letters make me feel intensely guilty but I want to give my loved ones SOMETHING to work with after my death. They are taking their emotional toll, which I suppose is how it should be.
I am so thankful this space exists where I can safely vent my feelings. It's not like I can tell my friends or family. And my counselor knows I'm working on the death planner for a supposedly far off contingency but if I tell her these specifics I'm certain she would have me hospitalized.
Thanks for reading and sending love to you other hurting hearts. 31F
I guess what I'm trying to say is holding your ctb plans and all the prep involved is heavy af. And it's intense and profound and painful.
I'm finding these intense and painful to write. I've been able to put aside my guilt for hurting the people I love in order to choose myself and a future where I'm no longer suffering physically and mentally. But writing these notes make me feel so bad. And I don't know how detailed to get. I don't want to make my loved ones feel worse about my death by adding unresolved turmoil (I.e. how my family treated me after coming out as queer or insert trauma.) And it's hard for me to go into the grizzly detail about why I want to end my life because even with writing it down I struggle to truly communicate and convey the depth of my feelings. (I'm autistic.) so far ive told them 1. How much I love them. 2. How sorry I am. 3 that it's not their fault and I'm responsible for my own decisions.
These letters make me feel intensely guilty but I want to give my loved ones SOMETHING to work with after my death. They are taking their emotional toll, which I suppose is how it should be.
I am so thankful this space exists where I can safely vent my feelings. It's not like I can tell my friends or family. And my counselor knows I'm working on the death planner for a supposedly far off contingency but if I tell her these specifics I'm certain she would have me hospitalized.
Thanks for reading and sending love to you other hurting hearts. 31F
I guess what I'm trying to say is holding your ctb plans and all the prep involved is heavy af. And it's intense and profound and painful.
Last edited:
