Writing Fanfiction as a Hobby

[Fish On Land]

Since about three years ago, I started writing fanfiction as a way to pass the time. I get hyper-fixated on a single character and can't get them off my mind. I've always been sensitive and struggled to control my own emotions. I keep smiling and almost laughing when looking people in the face which I'm sure gives off a bad impression. I daydream obsessively since I was 5 and like to talk to myself and make up stories. I got really into fanfiction writing and it's been keeping me accompanied rather well. Unfortunately, fanfiction gets a really bad rep so I mostly keep it a secret because I'm self-conscious of what other people think about me. I have never written smut and don't even use swear words. Before I really wanted to publish my works so I did but I was afraid of people judging it which is super dumb because of so many reasons. One, I shouldn't care so much about people, especially someone on the internet. Two, no one expects too much from a random fanfiction online anyway. Despite this, I was an editing fanatic which drained the fun from the hobby. I'm already a very slow writer who often takes 2-3 hours to write 1.5k words and with constant editing, progress became incredibly slow (I was always falling behind in terms of writing speed for my English class). I worried more about transitioning, description, lengths, and other qualities rather than getting new chapters out and progressing the plot I had planned. I even got tired of it and dropped it for about half a year before returning back just recently. I've attended English schools since I was young but it is still a second language which makes grammar and writing more difficult (thank god for Grammarly to check for past/present tense and spelling). Depression makes me always feel tired and there's always a lot for me to do. I'm one of those high-achieving students (at least I'm in the more advanced classes) so there's a lot of test pressure and classwork. I'm not smart in the slightest so I have to work hard to maintain my grades, especially since I'm planning to major in computer science. Despite the lack of time and energy, I still write fanfiction even when I should be studying. I feel like writing fanfiction is an uncommon hobby overall, especially for the older or more studious students, and it makes me feel sad. Perhaps I'm wrong and there's more fanfiction writers in my advanced classes who are shy like me or something but I have high doubts. Fanfiction is seen as amateurish writing that's childish, cringy, or dirty which really sucks because it's been encouraging me to self-study some creative writing tips. I fixed some of my common writing flaws and paid more attention to how I write when telling a story. I thought I had improved and was enjoying my writing time until the education system crushed my confidence and ruined it for me. I took AP Language because I wanted to improve my prose and writing while stacking another AP class for college. I still don't understand what happened. My grades in that class were really high and the teacher was a hard grader and unlikely to randomly give points but after taking the national exam, I failed somehow. I felt really good about my response and thought I got a 4 or possibly a 5 if I got lucky with the multiple choice but that ended up being the first AP test that I failed. Since that was the class that I poured most of my effort and energy into, it made me super depressed and I lamented myself for a long time, even dropping out of writing fanfiction. That really hurt me and outside grades, it felt like a personal attack. I'm still a little mad but over it and no longer get overly depressed from that. Maybe my writing is hot garbage after all but I've gotten kudos (basically "likes" on ao3) which meant at least someone else besides me appreciated it. I like doing research, I like looking up synonyms, I like trying something different in my writing, and I like looking up tips. I'm sick of being a people pleaser and always worrying about efficiency, especially when it's online out of place. I just wish it wasn't seen so negatively so I could be more open with it. I'm not very good at explaining myself or communicating. Like I can say I crochet or create programs and nobody bats an eye but if it's fanfiction, it becomes weird. I can even say I journal or write short stories but fanfiction-despite still being writing-is just different apparently. Recently my biggest problem with it is that it's not a productive hobby even though I enjoy it. That voice of self-hatred in my head is yelling at me to stop wasting my time and go study, clean, or work on scholarships. It calls me a freak, asks me why I'm like this, and tells me about how I'm so worthless and weird. For hobbies like crochet, even if it's not helping me towards a future career, it at least makes me seem like a productive person who has things to do and gives me a conversation starter topic. It's like fanfiction is a "wrong" hobby or something. I'm balancing writing fanfiction with studying and other obligations rather well right now but that's probably because school is out for the week. My hyperfixation is sparse and erratic, randomly dying or giving me intense motivation without a pattern. As such, I've stuck to shorter fanfictions and one-shots for the time being so I can at least finish something instead of dropping it midway like I always do. Out of curiosity and if you're still reading so far, any fanfiction writer or reader here? If so, could you share your take on fanfiction or your experiences (especially if you are a writer)?

 

[Yume Nikki]

I've tried writing fanfiction but I feel like I am probably just better at creating ideas rather than putting it on paper. It doesn't help with the horrid memory loss that I can't remember nor am able to think and write as much as I used to anymore. I had to rely on chatgpt for help on names and definitions because I couldn't formulate a coherent story that made sense.

However, I do love fandom stuff and grew up with it as a kid. It was my coping mechanism and I've jumped from one piece of media to another as the years went by. I drew fanart for sherlock bbc, the super mario bros, moomins, etc. and some creepypastas too. The problem is just struggling to bring those ideas to life.

 

[Fish On Land]

I've tried writing fanfiction but I feel like I am probably just better at creating ideas rather than putting it on paper. It doesn't help with the horrid memory loss that I can't remember nor am able to think and write as much as I used to anymore. I had to rely on chatgpt for help on names and definitions because I couldn't formulate a coherent story that made sense.

However, I do love fandom stuff and grew up with it as a kid. It was my coping mechanism and I've jumped from one piece of media to another as the years went by. I drew fanart for sherlock bbc, the super mario bros, moomins, etc. and some creepypastas too. The problem is just struggling to bring those ideas to life.

I've never how hard it was to create scenes and actually sew them coherently until I started fanfiction writing. I totally agree that creating ideas is so much easier. Whenever I daydream, it tends to be the most exciting or interesting part or whatever I feel at the moment but there's like little context and sense of linear time. I don't think about which event happened before another or work out any of the details. I hope even with your memory loss that you can still enjoy fandoms as much as in the past.

 

[http-410]

I also started writing fanfiction last year, so I can relate to a lot of what you describe!

In my best times, daydreaming, research and writing have practically replaced my suicidal tendencies. I wrote excessively to the point of losing myself. I stopped eating, drinking, and taking care of my apartment when I was flowing. It was cathartic, therapeutic, I would even say - in hindsight, I have noticed many parallels in my story that somehow relate to crucial aspects of my life (not exclusively traumatic ones).

Regarding the social aspect, I have told some people about it, but never specifically. When I had to explain to someone what fandoms and fanfiction actually are, I settled for a simple 'I write a story' after that.

Unfortunately, depression and dissociation (or whatever is wrong with me) kicked in months ago and I can hardly concentrate anymore. Sometimes it takes me hours to write a single sentence. And yet I spend hours daydreaming in this fictional world every day.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

Not very articulate today, but I want to respond to this anyway. Hope it's coherent enough.

I'm in an interesting position, I guess, because I write fanfiction that holds much more value to me than 'just fic'; my personal stuff of that nature I do not post, but when I do write more general fan stuff, it's always with intent to explore an idea or topic in a way that isn't commonly associated with the hobby. Or even fandom. Occasionally I will write some indulgent fluff, but it's still grounded in something meaningful to me and written to the best of my ability.

I understand your plight, because it's a minefield of mockery from people on the outside. Fandom is full of insane individuals, absolutely, you have to be a little crazy to be so passionate about something, but that kind of joy can lead to so many great things, written by all walks of life. Many writers, though the demographics are dependent on media of choice, are anything from med students to high achievers to middle aged with kids, etc.
It's wholly considered childish because of what's on the surface, but it doesn't have to be. (And even if the content could be considered such, you're gaining skill in the model of storytelling while also having fun. Both good points in my book.)

Lots of fiction writers started with fanfic or continue to write it. There are even borderline literary works out there, or ones exploring niche topics trad pub wouldn't touch. But because the bar of entry is with zero limitations, people can cherry pick the worst and poke fun at it. I won't deny the amount of crudely written works both of technical nature or content, but they still have a right to be bad, to exist. Someone enjoys them, I'm sure.

I understand the people who may just not be into fanfic as a concept. But it's wrong to say it's trite, childish, holds no value, ruins the original media, or that you should be 'doing something more productive'.

Did you enjoy it? Did you learn something? Then it was productive.

 

[Breebly]

I know you're feeling down, but I got increasingly excited as I read what you were writing bc we have the same brain!! The sensitivity and struggle w controlling emotions, the extreme obsession w editing and then feeling unappreciated for it, the self-doubt about your writing quality, even the no-writing-smut (but I do swear an unfortunate amount); it feels like I could've written your post bc I experience the exact same conflicts as a fanfic writer.

I'm guessing that you're still in high school since you're taking AP tests? Unless you're in the 1%, chances are that for the rest of your life after school, you'll be forced to be productive for some rotten company or boss who won't give a shit if you suddenly drop dead. They'll only care about the workflow getting disrupted, and all that they'll focus on is finding someone to replace you. You have all your life to just be a faceless name and number, so don't stress about fanfic being "unproductive." It is productive bc it brings you joy. That's what matters most. You can't study, clean, or do much of anything if you're miserable, right? Obviously don't let fanfic or any one thing take over your life, but allow yourself the indulgence of writing. It's human to want to create.

I also started writing fanfiction last year, so I can relate to a lot of what you describe!

In my best times, daydreaming, research and writing have practically replaced my suicidal tendencies. I wrote excessively to the point of losing myself. I stopped eating, drinking, and taking care of my apartment when I was flowing. It was cathartic, therapeutic, I would even say - in hindsight, I have noticed many parallels in my story that somehow relate to crucial aspects of my life (not exclusively traumatic ones).

Regarding the social aspect, I have told some people about it, but never specifically. When I had to explain to someone what fandoms and fanfiction actually are, I settled for a simple 'I write a story' after that.

Unfortunately, depression and dissociation (or whatever is wrong with me) kicked in months ago and I can hardly concentrate anymore. Sometimes it takes me hours to write a single sentence. And yet I spend hours daydreaming in this fictional world every day.

This is also so real and relatable, how when things are great, the stories possess you and make you forget your own physical form, but when things are awful, the maladaptive daydreaming kicks in all while the depression makes it impossible to materialize the imaginary world. I too am stuck and have been in a long dry spell where all I can do is dream about the story, and I've dreamt about it so frequently that it's entirely and cleanly laid out in my head. Unfortunately the motivation to put it on paper is nowhere to be found.