Discussion Wouldn't mind your thoughts on this letter, if you have the time.

[tomz323]

So anyway. I'm planning on cutting contact with my parents. I tried this year to move back home and to build some sort of relationship. But I realize now that is in vain. They are toxic, and to fully heal I cannot be around them. My therapist said maybe I should write them a letter to get all my feelings out. Spent about an hour writing this. Wouldn't mind some second opinions.


Dear Mum and Dad

Please read the following carefully

This is the last contact you will have with me for the foreseeable future. I have realized that I have never been happy for the past 22 years when you were significantly in my life. You have never shown significant signs of love or affection. Never sincerely apologized for the mental and physical abuse you put me through. I quote "Sometimes I think you deserved it?" that statement alone is enough to tell me the kind of people you are. In what would that you live in does an 8-year-old boy deserve to have things thrown at him and beaten with a stick by a 40-year-old man?

Just because you endured abuse as a child by your parents Jennifer that doesn't give you the right to tell your 14-year-old he is "Useless", "Thick as pig shit", "Slow like an old man" I could go on but many of these memories are too painful. Many of which have returned to the surface of my mind living with you two. You seem to think that this was nothing and brush it off but it has severe effects on a child, things that still affects me to this day.

You have never taken into account what I want, I am a member of the family and should be treated as such. Yes, I understand you are the caregivers but a family is a democracy and decisions should be made together. Not just by you, and not just for Roderick.

You two are my parents so your actions stick in my mind, as a child you are my world. Have a think about that. I was not a little adult. I was a child.

Please keep in mind, most people feel warmth in their parent's voice. I feel nothing as such from you. I don't even know what to put into words what I feel from you.

It is time for both of you to start seeking therapy for both of your very obvious to me, severe mental health conditions. You both have no control over your emotions, obviously anger management issues, sudden flips in personality. I don't know if this is because of something leftover from your childhood but you seem to be stunted children yourself.

Until you have done as I have asked please make no attempt to contact me. I tried to rekindle something in the past few months but I see now that is impossible and I should have known better, known that you are stuck in your ways. And known you are not sorry for what you did.

I now need to do what is best for me and make myself proud and to do that I must remove all toxic forces in my life.

And before you say anything. Yes, I am gratefully for a roof over my head and for food being on the table. But these are human rights. I am also gratefully for being driven around. However…

You two need to realize that perhaps you need to look inward (as do I) and not to just try and pray your problems away. Which I believe is how you will respond to this letter. But please, ask yourself this. Has it worked thus far?

Please look into therapy as have suggested as it is unhealthy for me to be around such mental unstable people. I need to worry about my own mental health now, you two are obviously not the solution.

Goodbye Tom.

 

[gingerplum]

Honestly? I think that it is completely, 100% valid and honest, however, because the tone is accusatory it might immediately put them on the defensive.

On the other hand, if they're as detached and unaware as you're describing, I'm not sure that any type of verbiage or tone would have any kind of impact on them.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I've read and pondered tomz323 ...

I really don't want to put you wrong with any bad advice .

Did your therapist suggest just writing a letter , or also to give it to them ?
Sometimes the writing is half the battle - to clarify your feelings .

Parents usually build a big blast door against any criticisms because of guilt and shame .
It's a big ask to get a parent to admit to child abuse .
Maybe too much most of the time .
I don't know .

I'm sorry for what you went through .

Sometimes this kind of stuff from the past just shows the kind of emotional literacy we never got to learn as kids .
The stories we learned about ourselves from our parents were incorrect and lies , basically.

I personally feel that the biggest issue is you understanding and being able to positively act on those deeper understandings yourself.

Removing yourself from a nrgative situation is reasonable , but whether there needs to be a written message delivered is debateable in it's outcome .

It's a big deal that you are processing this stuff .
So, good for you .

 

[Terminally drunk]

do they contact you? mayby just fuck with them saying uv won lotto. least you still got ur mum an dad no matter how bad. other people got it worst. i think you just want there attention by doing this letter thing. an by cutting them off ur gonna keep thinking about it like you are now. youve left the nest now an ur on ur own. show ur feelings but if they are that far mentally gone they prob wont get through the first paragraph of ur letter. unless you want them to feel bad? go slash there tires if that's the case.

 

[tomz323]

I've read and pondered tomz323 ...

I really don't want to put you wrong with any bad advice .

Did your therapist suggest just writing a letter , or also to give it to them ?
Sometimes the writing is half the battle - to clarify your feelings .

Parents usually build a big blast door against any criticisms because of guilt and shame .
It's a big ask to get a parent to admit to child abuse .
Maybe too much most of the time .
I don't know .

I'm sorry for what you went through .

Sometimes this kind of stuff from the past just shows the kind of emotional literacy we never got to learn as kids .
The stories we learned about ourselves from our parents were incorrect and lies , basically.

I personally feel that the biggest issue is you understanding and being able to positively act on those deeper understandings yourself.

Removing yourself from a nrgative situation is reasonable , but whether there needs to be a written message delivered is debateable in it's outcome .

It's a big deal that you are processing this stuff .
So, good for you .

Thanks for the reply guys, gives me something to think about. My therapist suggested giving them this letter explaining why I had cut contact with them. He said it would be "helathy". I don't even know what message I want to send, I was hoping this would make them change.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I was hoping this would make them change.

If folks aren't actively trying to change , it's a bit unlikely .

I think the sooner you can make peace with dealing with your own personal fallout from
your upbringing independently the better .

I never really did , and I regret it .
I always orbited my father till the day he died ... having settled for a fairly disfunctional dynamic
because of financial power , which manifested as me being disempowered .

It was my own personal flavour of family fucked upness.

At the end of the day you can potentially love them unconditionally from a distance at the
same time as disliking things they did / do .

how you communicate with them is best judged with the idea of how much power
you can maintain in / over your own life maybe ?

Maybe it's worth writing more about it and seeing what other phrases and moments emerge and
getting more power over your past ?

Bloody grand ideas - as I said ... I failed in my dealings with my dad ... so take it with a grain of salt .

I'd be interested to see how you go with it either way ...
( While I avoid all my own responsibilities ....)

 

[Sweet emotion]

You mean to say grateful, not gratefully, for them putting a roof over your head and giving you food.

And when you tell them that they need to seek therapy, just say they need therapy for their mental conditions.

You got all of your feelings out very well? Those two sentences just weren't very clear and weren't written properly. I know this may be out of the question but what if you went to therapy together? You and your parents so another party could be involved and explain to them the hurt they have caused you when they beat you down physically and mentally. Sometimes when I write a letter to one of my family members I write it a couple timesz making sure I have everything I want to tell them in it. Are they the type of people that are going to be defensive if you tell them how you truly feel? If so be prepared for that but know you're doing the right thing because it sounds like you suffered in silence for long enough. I wish you all the best.

 

[tomz323]

If folks aren't actively trying to change , it's a bit unlikely .

I think the sooner you can make peace with dealing with your own personal fallout from
your upbringing independently the better .

I never really did , and I regret it .
I always orbited my father till the day he died ... having settled for a fairly disfunctional dynamic
because of financial power , which manifested as me being disempowered .

It was my own personal flavour of family fucked upness.

At the end of the day you can potentially love them unconditionally from a distance at the
same time as disliking things they did / do .

how you communicate with them is best judged with the idea of how much power
you can maintain in / over your own life maybe ?

Maybe it's worth writing more about it and seeing what other phrases and moments emerge and
getting more power over your past ?

Bloody grand ideas - as I said ... I failed in my dealings with my dad ... so take it with a grain of salt .

I'd be interested to see how you go with it either way ...
( While I avoid all my own responsibilities ....)

Thanks, I didn't end up sending it. Just moved overseas, gave up on ever having a "normal" relationship with them. Should have known that it wouldn't work before moving back in with them.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

@tomz323 Good for you man !

I hope your over seas journey goes well.

It's inspirational . I'm a lot older than you ,but I need to get going on something .

I've made a lot of bad decisions and made a lot of mistakes , but there is a sense in which they were 'something' , and my
negative view point ( all mental illness related - low self esteem etc etc ) puts them in a bad light .
I was so messed up that everything felt like an 'act' and was 'illegitimate ' and had no integrity .
BUT - that was my broken wing talking , not my attempts at living the best I could with no real
attention to my internal difficulties .

I haven't really moved in any direction apart from a little bit of internal movement for years .

Good luck !

 

[tomz323]

@tomz323 Good for you man !

I hope your over seas journey goes well.

It's inspirational . I'm a lot older than you ,but I need to get going on something .

I've made a lot of bad decisions and made a lot of mistakes , but there is a sense in which they were 'something' , and my
negative view point ( all mental illness related - low self esteem etc etc ) puts them in a bad light .
I was so messed up that everything felt like an 'act' and was 'illegitimate ' and had no integrity .
BUT - that was my broken wing talking , not my attempts at living the best I could with no real
attention to my internal difficulties .

I haven't really moved in any direction apart from a little bit of internal movement for years .

Good luck !

Thanks man, its never to late to make a change or something I guess. I really do hope that I can figure something out. I hope everyone on here figures something out. I can relate to allot of what you've said. Everything I do feels like an act.

 

[Final Escape]

I think it's very good. As a child we don't get to choose our parents so our childhood is a prison for everyone. As an adult our relationships become voluntary and this includes our parents. You will never have a life if u don't cut ties with toxic parents. I heard someone talk about toxic parents that u really have no choice but to cut contact because they can steal your chance at a decent life. The healing only begins when they can no longer influence you.

 

[Eurus]

I thought it was well written,now comes the criticism,I would minus the accusatory statements as (previously said) that would put them on the defensive,and finally that sentence about children finding warmth in their parents voice,that shit gave me chills,that was damn well written