Discussion Would you contact a loved one before ctb?

[littleinsanity]

For what it matters, I'm female, 22.
I've always felt suicidal, however I've never gone through with it.
I've been close to it but I'm still here.
Recent events however pushed me to the edge, but I don't mean to tell my life story or what's happened here.
I've been reading threads on this site for a year now and wanted to talk to people who at least understand the need to not exist.
Being a new member (I apologize if this wasn't the best tag for the thread) I'll give some insight:
Recent events were a complex situation and I fucked up most things myself, and last Sunday night to Monday I while being drunk I got the courage to ctb.

After all, for a lot of us I assume, being scared of the pain is what stops you, so being in Europe I've been envious of Americans for having access to guns as I'd love foe it to be somewhat simpler at least.
It would be my first choice.

It's not how I want to go but I thought of jumping in front of a train because I could not bear it anymore, thankfully or regretfully a friend who I had been in a call with that night while drunk heard me saying I will die(?) and them texting me the entire time made it harder to go through it along with all the vomiting, kind of funny.
But now that I'm more calm, I think me be being willing to go through the pain and issues it'd cause others, is a sign that It's time for me.

So not tomorrow, but next Sunday, at night or the day after a long planned trip with my bestfriends, I plan to drink just in case for courage and to jump from the hotel building we'll be staying at.
That is to say if we get the room we asked for.
I thought about over drinking as a + and taking meds to not throw up and make the symptoms worse but it seems that might just be a bad idea. I also intend to being a rope for hanging in case I get desperate but that's always been one of the options I'd like to avoid most.

I haven't decided if I should do so at night coming up with some excuse to go back to the hotel for a bit, or stay a night longer than them, to take my time.
In the second case, even though I am 22, I would be spending a night outside my house without my parents consent sending them into panic and if caught, disowned and more which would luckily or unluckily not allow me to change my mind.
I am worried however to traumatize my friends and ruin the trip for them in the first option.

If this doesn't work out my only option for a building to jump from is my uni(third to fourth floor in both cases, far from ideal but I'll do my best to hit head first), where drinking right before to be able to feel less scared would be a little harder.
I know jumping might not be the best method and the height will likely not be enough, I like the sn method I found out about through this site but I don't think I could be able to go through with it and prep for it properly.
(It's also funny how this site made me sometimes hold on longer even though I hoped to find resources to end it)

Realistically I can only go through with something simple like this, what do you think? Would you still jump? Do you think you can actually go through a whole step by step process?

The other thing I wondered is if I should actually let any friend know right before I die.
I want to call my ex, but while we broke long ago we liked eachother till recently, till my depression got the worst of me to the point I became exhausting for him to deal for him to deal with me at all, I treated him awfully and we are now no contact.
So calling him before it is a bad idea right?
I want to hear his voice once, but even if he were to answer, I'd also rather not leave him with any trauma.
In the end, if I die, even though he is aware of my suicidal thoughts, it's likely he will never know about me passing on unless a friend decides to go out of their way. And perhaps making sure he never knows could be the only act of love I could do for him now?
I feel the same towards some irl and online friends, I've pushed all of them away now, because I feel guilty as this choice would hurt them.

Am I not allowed just a little bit of peace? To leave without pain, without guilt or to have one last happy moment?
I know I'm selfish but I regret not having died when I felt like I could go through it.

I've been dreaming every night for a week now, before it felt like I ruined everything in my life, about dying. I dreamt of slowly passing on in my bed and my body just dying and waking up and feeling like my body decided to actually die and have feel my limbs numb. And it might be messed up but It felt good, I was confused but so glad I could pass on peacefully and have what I wanted but ofcourse slowly I felt my body back, like it was just asleep.
I miss how peaceful it felt to be able to be free.

Also!
I've always felt stuck but tried to do what I wanted to instead of what I should (which doesn't exactly bring great results), but I wonder how do you decide between what you should do and what you want to do?
What do you think I should do, what would you do?

I'm just tired. Thank you for the long read.

 

[ItsyBitsyWeetard]

yup i would 100% im planning on actually telling my family, friends and therapist before i do it so i can provide closure ill also post a few stories on instagram and twitter to let everyone know that i love them and they did nothing wrong and my decision has nothing to with any of them so that they dont blame themselves

 

[blacklemonade]

on the one hand i think its a good thing to do, to not leave loved ones, guessing, leave them knowing they did nothing wrong,
tho i would be scared , it would put my plan into danger, as someone could call an ambulance, run over to my apartment to rescue me etc. i guess id rather leave a letter for everyone.

 

[Linda]

For what it matters, I'm female, 22.
I've always felt suicidal, however I've never gone through with it.
I've been close to it but I'm still here.
Recent events however pushed me to the edge, but I don't mean to tell my life story or what's happened here.
I've been reading threads on this site for a year now and wanted to talk to people who at least understand the need to not exist.
Being a new member (I apologize if this wasn't the best tag for the thread) I'll give some insight:
Recent events were a complex situation and I fucked up most things myself, and last Sunday night to Monday I while being drunk I got the courage to ctb.

After all, for a lot of us I assume, being scared of the pain is what stops you, so being in Europe I've been envious of Americans for having access to guns as I'd love foe it to be somewhat simpler at least.
It would be my first choice.

It's not how I want to go but I thought of jumping in front of a train because I could not bear it anymore, thankfully or regretfully a friend who I had been in a call with that night while drunk heard me saying I will die(?) and them texting me the entire time made it harder to go through it along with all the vomiting, kind of funny.
But now that I'm more calm, I think me be being willing to go through the pain and issues it'd cause others, is a sign that It's time for me.

So not tomorrow, but next Sunday, at night or the day after a long planned trip with my bestfriends, I plan to drink just in case for courage and to jump from the hotel building we'll be staying at.
That is to say if we get the room we asked for.
I thought about over drinking as a + and taking meds to not throw up and make the symptoms worse but it seems that might just be a bad idea. I also intend to being a rope for hanging in case I get desperate but that's always been one of the options I'd like to avoid most.

I haven't decided if I should do so at night coming up with some excuse to go back to the hotel for a bit, or stay a night longer than them, to take my time.
In the second case, even though I am 22, I would be spending a night outside my house without my parents consent sending them into panic and if caught, disowned and more which would luckily or unluckily not allow me to change my mind.
I am worried however to traumatize my friends and ruin the trip for them in the first option.

If this doesn't work out my only option for a building to jump from is my uni(third to fourth floor in both cases, far from ideal but I'll do my best to hit head first), where drinking right before to be able to feel less scared would be a little harder.
I know jumping might not be the best method and the height will likely not be enough, I like the sn method I found out about through this site but I don't think I could be able to go through with it and prep for it properly.
(It's also funny how this site made me sometimes hold on longer even though I hoped to find resources to end it)

Realistically I can only go through with something simple like this, what do you think? Would you still jump? Do you think you can actually go through a whole step by step process?

The other thing I wondered is if I should actually let any friend know right before I die.
I want to call my ex, but while we broke long ago we liked eachother till recently, till my depression got the worst of me to the point I became exhausting for him to deal for him to deal with me at all, I treated him awfully and we are now no contact.
So calling him before it is a bad idea right?
I want to hear his voice once, but even if he were to answer, I'd also rather not leave him with any trauma.
In the end, if I die, even though he is aware of my suicidal thoughts, it's likely he will never know about me passing on unless a friend decides to go out of their way. And perhaps making sure he never knows could be the only act of love I could do for him now?
I feel the same towards some irl and online friends, I've pushed all of them away now, because I feel guilty as this choice would hurt them.

Am I not allowed just a little bit of peace? To leave without pain, without guilt or to have one last happy moment?
I know I'm selfish but I regret not having died when I felt like I could go through it.

I've been dreaming every night for a week now, before it felt like I ruined everything in my life, about dying. I dreamt of slowly passing on in my bed and my body just dying and waking up and feeling like my body decided to actually die and have feel my limbs numb. And it might be messed up but It felt good, I was confused but so glad I could pass on peacefully and have what I wanted but ofcourse slowly I felt my body back, like it was just asleep.
I miss how peaceful it felt to be able to be free.

Also!
I've always felt stuck but tried to do what I wanted to instead of what I should (which doesn't exactly bring great results), but I wonder how do you decide between what you should do and what you want to do?
What do you think I should do, what would you do?

I'm just tired. Thank you for the long read.

Don't jump from the "third or fourth floor". You will probably finish up alive but badly injured. I don't know how high your hotel room is, but if it's less than 100 feet above the ground, I would advise you not to jump from that either. To be reasonably sure of dying (9 out of 10 chance) you need a height of at least 100 feet and a hard landing, e g. on concrete. Higher than that is better still, if you want to be more than 9 out of 10 sure.
If you are determind to die, you need to plan it much more thoroughly than you seem to be doing. There is a lot of information on this site. (Use the search feature, if you have access to it. If you don't have access to it yet, you will after a few more posts.)
I don't know what your situation is, and you indicated that you would prefer not to explain, so I'll have to try to read between the lines of what you post. Doing that is difficult, and I know that it is prone to error, but when I do it I am left wondering whether ctb really is the best choice for you. Have you ever talked to a therapist about your situation? If you haven't, I would suggest that you do that, if possible, before you make a final decision on ctb. Your problems may be fixable.

 

[littleinsanity]

yup i would 100% im planning on actually telling my family, friends and therapist before i do it so i can provide closure ill also post a few stories on instagram and twitter to let everyone know that i love them and they did nothing wrong and my decision has nothing to with any of them so that they dont blame themselves

That's what I want but realistically I'm worried about failing because of it/changing my mind and regretting it unless you mean leaving a letter like lemonade said.
And no words seem enough to say goodbye.
I've been imagining their reaction because of the things said by my friend who stopped me.
It's hard to comfort them while hurting them like this..

Don't jump from the "third or fourth floor". You will probably finish up alive but badly injured. I don't know how high your hotel room is, but if it's less than 100 feet above the ground, I would advise you not to jump from that either. To be reasonably sure of dying (9 out of 10 chance) you need a height of at least 100 feet and a hard landing, e g. on concrete. Higher than that is better still, if you want to be more than 9 out of 10 sure.
If you are determind to die, you need to plan it much more thoroughly than you seem to be doing. There is a lot of information on this site. (Use the search feature, if you have access to it. If you don't have access to it yet, you will after a few more posts.)
I don't know what your situation is, and you indicated that you would prefer not to explain, so I'll have to try to read between the lines of what you post. Doing that is difficult, and I know that it is prone to error, but when I do it I am left wondering whether ctb really is the best choice for you. Have you ever talked to a therapist about your situation? If you haven't, I would suggest that you do that, if possible, before you make a final decision on ctb. Your problems may be fixable.

I said third/fourth floor because that's how we count them in Italy but ig it would be fourth/fifth (still not a huge difference).
I agree that it's not a reasonable plan but I dont have access to many options. A train would work better but it's one of the worst ways to go and troublesome for others.
I'm also not particularly scared of heights so it just seemed easier to go through with. Maybe I just need to look for an accessible building or go to the mountains or drown (another really bad way to go though).
My ideal method really is sn but something that's just a one step act is all I can actually bring myself to do.

I had been considering going to a therapist and still did these days but even though I said I "fucked up" or "ruined my life" and whatever else, it's just a series of events where I made my life much worse suddenly.
I had always been considering it before it as well so it's not just a matter of fixing something that happened, it just feels like it's good timing?
You could also argue I've never found the high's of life worth it compared to the downsides, a little pessimistic I guess.
I appreciate your suggestions though and will keep them in mind

 

[ADBoy777]

I won't because they will do everything possible and the impossible to interfere with my plan. But I'm writing to them everyday in my notes so when I'll die they will be able to read what I went through and understand my decision

 

[outrider567]

Never

 

[Linda]

That's what I want but realistically I'm worried about failing because of it/changing my mind and regretting it unless you mean leaving a letter like lemonade said.
And no words seem enough to say goodbye.
I've been imagining their reaction because of the things said by my friend who stopped me.
It's hard to comfort them while hurting them like this..

I said third/fourth floor because that's how we count them in Italy but ig it would be fourth/fifth (still not a huge difference).
I agree that it's not a reasonable plan but I dont have access to many options. A train would work better but it's one of the worst ways to go and troublesome for others.
I'm also not particularly scared of heights so it just seemed easier to go through with. Maybe I just need to look for an accessible building or go to the mountains or drown (another really bad way to go though).
My ideal method really is sn but something that's just a one step act is all I can actually bring myself to do.

I had been considering going to a therapist and still did these days but even though I said I "fucked up" or "ruined my life" and whatever else, it's just a series of events where I made my life much worse suddenly.
I had always been considering it before it as well so it's not just a matter of fixing something that happened, it just feels like it's good timing?
You could also argue I've never found the high's of life worth it compared to the downsides, a little pessimistic I guess.
I appreciate your suggestions though and will keep them in mind

I will ctb if my husband dies before me. I would head off into the wilderness, in cold weather, and fade away from hypothermia. Even in Italy that would be an option, certainly in the Alps, and probably in parts of the Apennines too, at the coldest times of year.

 

[littleinsanity]

I will ctb if my husband dies before me. I would head off into the wilderness, in cold weather, and fade away from hypothermia. Even in Italy that would be an option, certainly in the Alps, and probably in the parts of the Apennines too, at the coldest times of year.

I've never wanted to live longer than my partner would.
Seems scary and sad in simple terms so I understand. Don't know if hypothermia is the answer though, seems silly but I'll look it up
I admire love like yours.

 

[Save_Me_Mind]

To answer your question... In present time I would not contact a loved one before I CTB'd... The reason why I say this is because I died once, or I should say that I took SN and my skin was pale, lips blue, I was unconscious and brought to a hospital about 2 hours after it was already in my system. I did not throw up or anything.... sorry, I got side tracked.... When I attempted I sent messages to loved ones and when I survived I found out that some despised myself, my guts, hated me, and cut off all contact... (They didn't know and still don't know that I survived... so they said all of that in belief that I died, which I should have...) That crushed me and brought in a new kind of pain. So I don't recommend it. Even if you do die, simply the harshness of others...

 

[littleinsanity]

To answer your question... In present time I would not contact a loved one before I CTB'd... The reason why I say this is because I died once, or I should say that I took SN and my skin was pale, lips blue, I was unconscious and brought to a hospital about 2 hours after it was already in my system. I did not throw up or anything.... sorry, I got side tracked.... When I attempted I sent messages to loved ones and when I survived I found out that some despised myself, my guts, hated me, and cut off all contact... (They didn't know and still don't know that I survived... so they said all of that in belief that I died, which I should have...) That crushed me and brought in a new kind of pain. So I don't recommend it. Even if you do die, simply the harshness of others...

I am scared of this happening as well and,
I am so sorry that this happened to you, I can't begin to imagine how much that would have hurt, it seems devastating and cruel is all the words I have.

 

[floating_cloud]

Even tho ik its good to do so but like everyone said it would risk it
So no don't think so maybe a letter after is better

 

[hajnalka]

yup i would 100% im planning on actually telling my family, friends and therapist before i do it so i can provide closure ill also post a few stories on instagram and twitter to let everyone know that i love them and they did nothing wrong and my decision has nothing to with any of them so that they dont blame themselves

are you not afraid that that would make your attempt way more likely not to be successful due to someone calling 911 or personally doing sth?

 

[MisterOGBongWater]

prob not bc really id be telling someone in hopes they save me and take care of me and make my life better but ive beyond accepted that my life is ruined and its ctb time. so no. its pointless

 

[itsneverbeenmoreove]

I would say that it depends what you're looking for. If you're contacting someone, you have to know that you could also being doing something very cruel to them. And while I am 100% in favor of people being able to chose to die, I don't think it's anyone's right to bring other people into that. So if you call someone for example, you put them in the position of either having to bear witness to your death, or try and stop you. I would say that wanting to call someone before you CTB is usually a sign that you're not fully committed and are looking for someone to "save" you. I think that's highly manipulative behavior that is often used by abusers and is just not very kind.

I think if you're going to contact people, yo should do it before, and you should not make it clear that you are planning on doing anything first. Additionally, if you have anything to say specifically in regards to ending your life, those things should be delivered to them after you CTB. Doing so beforehand can lead to interference and the other stuff I talked about. There's a reason suicide letters are so common. They're very effective. If you want specific things to go to specific people, you have the option of setting up messages to go out at a predetermined date after you've succeeded (far enough out that you can cancel if you fail).

So I don't think it's wrong to contact a loved one, but I do think it's wrong to put them in the position of having to "save you" or witness your death.

 

[littleinsanity]

I would say that it depends what you're looking for. If you're contacting someone, you have to know that you could also being doing something very cruel to them. And while I am 100% in favor of people being able to chose to die, I don't think it's anyone's right to bring other people into that. So if you call someone for example, you put them in the position of either having to bear witness to your death, or try and stop you. I would say that wanting to call someone before you CTB is usually a sign that you're not fully committed and are looking for someone to "save" you. I think that's highly manipulative behavior that is often used by abusers and is just not very kind.

I think if you're going to contact people, yo should do it before, and you should not make it clear that you are planning on doing anything first. Additionally, if you have anything to say specifically in regards to ending your life, those things should be delivered to them after you CTB. Doing so beforehand can lead to interference and the other stuff I talked about. There's a reason suicide letters are so common. They're very effective. If you want specific things to go to specific people, you have the option of setting up messages to go out at a predetermined date after you've succeeded (far enough out that you can cancel if you fail).

So I don't think it's wrong to contact a loved one, but I do think it's wrong to put them in the position of having to "save you" or witness your death.

I agree with the manipulative note, so I guess calling someone would be fine as long as you don't tell them what you're going to do and end the call before ctb.
I've written a note in my phone but If they could just take the whole thing as an accident and not have to read it, it might be better

 

[Abyssal]

Almost probably died a while back, held out for a good 6 hours and once I started feeling odd I told my best friend I loved them. Well, 3 days lying awake in a hospital bed later, I lived. Shit had me playing solitaire with uno cards, which was worse than the whole dying feeling tbh

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Not unless I'd really want to be stopped but at that point why even rely on them for that? W

 

[LostinTime24]

No I think that would screw with their mind.
I'd just reach out to my social worker so I can be found before I start rotting.

 

[littleinsanity]

I think most people are agreeing that contacting anyone is a bad idea and purely selfish. That kind of helps.

 

[Forever Sleep]

No, I'd only tell someone if I 100% felt they would be ok with the decision and that they wouldn't try to stop me or, feel obliged to stop me. Most people likely wouldn't be in full support and it puts them in a tricky situation I feel- if they know. If the world was different. If people were more accepting of suicide then yes- it would be much nicer to give them warning and say goodbye.

I'm sorry you feel you are in this desperate situation. Honestly, I'd reconsider doing it while you're out with friends too. I imagine it will be especially difficult for them to get over- no matter the outcome. Whether you succeed, maim yourself or, are caught and stopped.

Sorry to sound uncaring to you but it just sounds like something that could really upset them if they are around to witness it. I guess I feel like a suicide is going to be traumatic to other people regardless but we do have some control over just how traumatic it will be on them.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Yes and confuse them by throwing out blue's clues they'// never be able to decipher because I'll be dead mwahahaha

 

[littleinsanity]

No, I'd only tell someone if I 100% felt they would be ok with the decision and that they wouldn't try to stop me or, feel obliged to stop me. Most people likely wouldn't be in full support and it puts them in a tricky situation I feel- if they know. If the world was different. If people were more accepting of suicide then yes- it would be much nicer to give them warning and say goodbye.

I'm sorry you feel you are in this desperate situation. Honestly, I'd reconsider doing it while you're out with friends too. I imagine it will be especially difficult for them to get over- no matter the outcome. Whether you succeed, maim yourself or, are caught and stopped.

Sorry to sound uncaring to you but it just sounds like something that could really upset them if they are around to witness it. I guess I feel like a suicide is going to be traumatic to other people regardless but we do have some control over just how traumatic it will be on them.

This is why I've been considering just staying a day or two longer so they're not there. Either way I'd make sure that they wouldn't be back soon so they wouldn't witness it.
it's fine to be "uncaring" towards me, I realise all of this is selfish of me and they'd be the ones still living.
After people's comment I've decided to just leave a message at best for those who wouldn't know otherwise and a note on my phone.

I'm still reconsidering the method because of the chance of failure, we don't really have that many tall buildings here where I could do that from.
I know there's no rush but I'm beyond exhausted so I'd rather even take a more painful way as long as I can get it done.

I wish I could change my mind but I'd be back at this point again soon and dissappointed in myself all over. I know myself.

We will see though!

Yes and confuse them by throwing out blue's clues they'// never be able to decipher because I'll be dead mwahahaha

Love the silliness

 

[Forever Sleep]

This is why I've been considering just staying a day or two longer so they're not there. Either way I'd make sure that they wouldn't be back soon so they wouldn't witness it.
it's fine to be "uncaring" towards me, I realise all of this is selfish of me and they'd be the ones still living.
After people's comment I've decided to just leave a message at best for those who wouldn't know otherwise and a note on my phone.

I'm still reconsidering the method because of the chance of failure, we don't really have that many tall buildings here where I could do that from.
I know there's no rush but I'm beyond exhausted so I'd rather even take a more painful way as long as I can get it done.

I wish I could change my mind but I'd be back at this point again soon and dissappointed in myself all over. I know myself.

We will see though!

Love the silliness

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide. But yes, please don't do something that would just fail and make your own situation worse. It's so hard when we feel so backed into a corner. So, I can understand the desperation. That sounds fairer though- to wait till your friends have left. I'm so sorry life has brought you to this point.

 

[TheUncommon]

I contacted my roommate to let them know to start looking for another roommate so that all the rent doesn't fall on them unexpectedly. They have been made aware that I was suicidal essentially since we met.

They threatened to contact my family and close friends for "help" and proceeded with doing so.

I don't have that many people I can talk to at any given time. And now, the remaining neutral interpersonal connections to people I've had have been tainted and I cannot turn to anyone to so much as express any kind of emotion without them going into "saviour" mode. I cannot forgive my roommate for this, now that I have effectively been ostracised from the only people close to me.

Moral of the story? Don't try to be considerate, they may put your wellbeing at risk under the guise that they are "helping".

I fucking hate humans. Things like this nearly make me homicidal.
But if I were ever to fully act out those desires, it would be on myself.

 

[VoidedExistence]

mom i am sorry

 

[fkyou]

To answer your question... In present time I would not contact a loved one before I CTB'd... The reason why I say this is because I died once, or I should say that I took SN and my skin was pale, lips blue, I was unconscious and brought to a hospital about 2 hours after it was already in my system. I did not throw up or anything.... sorry, I got side tracked.... When I attempted I sent messages to loved ones and when I survived I found out that some despised myself, my guts, hated me, and cut off all contact... (They didn't know and still don't know that I survived... so they said all of that in belief that I died, which I should have...) That crushed me and brought in a new kind of pain. So I don't recommend it. Even if you do die, simply the harshness of others...

Didn't know sn takes hours to kill

 

[hopelessoceanic25]

Honestly, I want to, but it's also the fear that it would jeopardize my method or plan. I may leave letters behind for certain people and put them somewhere.

 

[sometimesoon]

The only thing I am firm on is that I am not found by a family member. So, it will be a deed done on a business trip in a hotel.

I did make an attempt at a partial on my last trip and did pass out, but the anchor gave way.

While it failed, I realized that next time, I could do it - and it would be lethal. There was a moment of clarity, I can do it

 

[feelinggloomy]

I don't plan to contact loved ones and I have a few letters for people in my life that are important. Not my immediate family but those who have touched my life over the years.