Help Would my son be better off without me?

[deathwish38]

I really need some objective views on my situation.

I've been hugely depressed and struggling with suicidal longing for 3 years. I have no interest in life and desperately want to die. Ive sought help and been on various medications and tried therapy etc. There are no real treatment options available to me now. The only time i feel anything close to calm is when im thinking about /planning my end.

I dont have any true friends who would miss me and my family aren't at all interested.

In short the only reason I've stuck around id that i have a 6 year old son whose custody i share with his mother.

My relationship with him used to be amazing but my depression is destroying it. I dread the days i have him because of the guilt i feel for not being present with him, for not being a true parent who can fill his days with joy but also who can be strong and guide him and build him into a good man. Im basically a zombie just trying to get through the day. This never changes and gets worse each week. He has already started telling me he doesn't love me and doesn't want to see me again. I know kids can say things like this but he says it every day, multiple times and these things come from somewhere.

My thinking is that no matter what i do im going to hurt and damage my boy. But i feel that without me he will be better.
He has a proper family with his mum who has a boyfriend whom she lives with. With me he has a sad existence, no joy, no richness of life, no support and so much else.
I think of Christmas and it sends a cold shiver down my spine. It should be about a warm family feeling for kids, with magic and wonder. But when i have him it's a cold, pathetic anti Christmas and i think it's selfish to put him through that.

In my head im 100% sure that his life would be better with me gone. Its like the old saying about ripping the band aid off. Intense pain for a short period but then a chance to get on with life in a healthy setting.
His mum is strong and a really good mum. I trust her to do the right things to help him process it properly.

Im not his dad any longer. He died a few years ago. Im an empty shell with nothing to offer other than sadness and confusion for him. Im certainly not the role model he needs to be a good strong man.

So am i missing something? I've heard all the arguments about how a kid always needs their dad but they make no sense to me. They're all written by people who dont want to believe that life can be a shitshow with extreme darkness and painful decisions.

I truly love my boy, i want to do whats best for him but watching his dad decay, wondering why im unable to be a loving dad seems like the worst possible childhood.

Id really appreciate input from people who've experienced similar.

Thanks for your time everyone

 

[CC123]

You CAN control your behavior around your son
Many people here talk about the "act" they have to put on around family and friends when preparing to CTB
Some talk about "practicing" for CTB
You can "practice" and "act" in a positive manner around your son
It takes energy and effort and you will make mistakes along the way, as all parents do
You can train yourself to be a positive role model for your son
It takes time and energy to CTB and time and energy to be positive for your son
Your choice
No matter what happens with his mother and future boyfriends/SO/husbands, he will only ever have one father and that is you
Be there for him
My opinion

 

[Meliæ]

I personally live for others. I won't put them in trouble even if there is nothing I want more than dying.

Your son is 5. Killing yourself will damage him, that's a fact. It would also damage his mother who has to take care of him. He may have a shitty life after this. That would be unfair for that poor kid.

I think that when you gave life to an innocent you can't be selfish and you should force yourself to live for the kid at least until he's an adult. You made that choice to give life. That's also my case.

Don't abandon him. You can always ctb in the future but can't go back from the death to help you son cope with all that shit

That is not a judgement it is only my opinion since you asked for opinions

 

[swamplord]

you may think you're not doing enough, but just by feeling this conscious about how you act around him, you're better than an unfortunately large chunk of dads already (who haven't even thought of feeling ashamed). i know when you're depressed it's difficult to conceive of your place in other people's lives, but objectively, as his father and one of the few major adult figures he knows, you're already a huge part of his life. in the future, it won't be just his mom's boyfriend he sees his behavior as linked to; some of it will be yours.

if you press on, one day he might remember you for how much you tried for him despite your inner struggles and feel pride. isn't that what it means to be strong? isn't that a beautiful thing he could learn from you?

if you're gone, he'll spend the rest of his life wondering why. you don't know for sure if he or his mother will be better off because you can't control their reactions. what you can control is the way you approach parenting from this point. you can control whether he gets an imperfect father who genuinely cares for him or a lifetime of unanswered questions and self-doubt.

i'm sure you must have already considered this in some capacity, which is why i hope i'm not getting too preachy. i honestly really understand your situation. it's hard to live for other people, and sometimes you consciously or unconsciously minimize the aftereffects of your death in order to make accepting suicide easier. that doesn't make you a bad person. it makes you like a lot of us on here, struggling to make sense of every day with two very opposing drives in our heads. it helps to remember some basic social truths in this process to override your internal conflict; for example, how children need a stable home environment in their formative years.

you think you're not a good dad, but the alternative to your parenting will be making your son grow up around people dealing with the aftermath of your death, likely traumatizing him. knowing his father died of suicide might make him think negatively about himself. this is all part of why people say having a child is such a huge commitment. leaving them is unlike any other loss they may incur in their life, and often the most impactful. that's just how it is.

i know this was long, but it's because i really sympathize. i hope you don't take it as too much of an imposition. in my opinion, and it's just one opinion, you should try taking small steps to think less about what you *think* will happen after you die and more about how you can be a better father in some capacity today. it's the only real way it's ensured that your son lives the best possible life he can. i really wish you all the best! my pms are open anytime.

 

[Tomoko]

This absolutely broke my heart. I will never stop someone from doing what they truly feel is the right choice, but I will say this. My mother died when I was just a kid. She was really not a good parent. I have said some nasty things to her as did she to me all those years ago. But you bet your ass I think about her every day, since 12 all the way to my 20s. Not one day goes by where I don't think of her, despite how awful everything was. Your boy sounds young and perhaps has some sort of outside influence. I'm not gonna say that any choice is right or wrong, but just try talking to him one of these days. No matter what happens in the end, I'm wishing you the best.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

This is just my opinon but if your child is telling you this perhaps you need to give up your portion of custody...at least until you make yourself better and more vibrant as a parent or decide to exit.

 

[Taki]

[I posted the other day that I was leaving the forum but have hung around to read.]
Thank you for writing this as I've struggled with the same thing for years. My two kids are now in their late teens and it remains my biggest dilemma. I've been seriously depressed for decades and nothing has ever worked for me. Like you I'm also alone and live a pretty isolated life. My kids live with their mother, who's a good parent and in a new relationship. I hate being alive.

When they were toddlers I began to dread them reaching five years because that's when kids start to develop long term memory, and I was secretly planning to kill myself before they could remember me. At their fifth birthdays I remember having fun and playing with them and loving how much fun they were having, but at the same time I felt like I had doomed them to remember me and suffer the pain of eventual loss. I was ashamed at not having killed myself yet. I felt I had done something terrible.
So yes they would be hurt by my departure. But I also think: what's it like to spend years with someone who's so inexpressive and untalkative, who obviously has a lonely life, never talks about doing anything, etc? With their mom and other adults they hear people talk about their friends and social activities, and they don't hear that from me. So this long term memory they have is of a depressed and isolated person. Is that good?
I count the months until they both finish university. Over six years. I live because I have a duty to discharge but it's six years of horror when I often would rather be dead.

I think for dads it often comes down to how much of a financial contribution you can make over the years. That's my case.
I'm a decade ahead of you as a parent. My kids had more because I work. I know a family where the dad died young and so the kids had less, because the spouse didn't remarry.

You can't make a decision by imagining your son's future thoughts, you have no idea what will happen after you die. But you may have to err, and suffer, on the side of duty. That's what I did. It's been terrible for me and I wish they'd had a livelier and happier dad, but I met the basics of my duties and sometimes more.

 

[Cant go back]

My kids are in their teens now too, but not yet old enough to be self sufficient. It's very noble to stay around long enough to give your kids a head start in life. However in my case my existence has caused great stress and sadness to my family, while they will suffer in the short term with my suicide (financially and emotionally), I truly believe that in the long run they will be much better off without me and go on to live much happier lives. I love them dearly and I hope they will understand and forgive me.

 

[deathwish38]

[I posted the other day that I was leaving the forum but have hung around to read.]
Thank you for writing this as I've struggled with the same thing for years. My two kids are now in their late teens and it remains my biggest dilemma. I've been seriously depressed for decades and nothing has ever worked for me. Like you I'm also alone and live a pretty isolated life. My kids live with their mother, who's a good parent and in a new relationship. I hate being alive.

When they were toddlers I began to dread them reaching five years because that's when kids start to develop long term memory, and I was secretly planning to kill myself before they could remember me. At their fifth birthdays I remember having fun and playing with them and loving how much fun they were having, but at the same time I felt like I had doomed them to remember me and suffer the pain of eventual loss. I was ashamed at not having killed myself yet. I felt I had done something terrible.
So yes they would be hurt by my departure. But I also think: what's it like to spend years with someone who's so inexpressive and untalkative, who obviously has a lonely life, never talks about doing anything, etc? With their mom and other adults they hear people talk about their friends and social activities, and they don't hear that from me. So this long term memory they have is of a depressed and isolated person. Is that good?
I count the months until they both finish university. Over six years. I live because I have a duty to discharge but it's six years of horror when I often would rather be dead.

I think for dads it often comes down to how much of a financial contribution you can make over the years. That's my case.
I'm a decade ahead of you as a parent. My kids had more because I work. I know a family where the dad died young and so the kids had less, because the spouse didn't remarry.

You can't make a decision by imagining your son's future thoughts, you have no idea what will happen after you die. But you may have to err, and suffer, on the side of duty. That's what I did. It's been terrible for me and I wish they'd had a livelier and happier dad, but I met the basics of my duties and sometimes more.

Thanks for sharing mate. Your position sounds really familiar so it's interesting to hear you perspective and see that you have the same thinking.
Do you still plan to exit when they are older?
My thoughts are that it is an impossible situation and either choice is fraught with terrible consequences. For me it seems an exit is the least damaging.
Her new guy has a lot of financial muscle so they will be ok in that respect.

Have you always been depressed?

My kids are in their teens now too, but not yet old enough to be self sufficient. It's very noble to stay around long enough to give your kids a head start in life. However in my case my existence has caused great stress and sadness to my family, while they will suffer in the short term with my suicide (financially and emotionally), I truly believe that in the long run they will be much better off without me and go on to live much happier lives. I love them dearly and I hope they will understand and forgive me.

I feel you mate. This is what i feel will happen if i stick around. I wish there was some way to ensure he knows i loved him and tried my best to be his dad, some way to minimise the damage. It feels like my suicide would be my final gift to him. Does that make sense?

 

[Cant go back]

I feel you mate. This is what i feel will happen if i stick around. I wish there was some way to ensure he knows i loved him and tried my best to be his dad, some way to minimise the damage. It feels like my suicide would be my final gift to him. Does that make sense?

Thank you and yes it does make sense, completely! I would say even though your relationship with your son is strained, maybe focus on just having a good time (if that's possible), don't bring up feelings just go out and have fun, he's so young I think he would appreciate it. He will remember the fun times he had with you at least, plus he already knows that you're his dad, he will have that forever. I don't know if what I'm saying is right, but it's what I would do. I hope that helps a little.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

If you believe your depression itself and the problems caused by it hurt you permanently in the long-term, then that's exactly what will happen to your family. They won't be better of because now they have to deal with the guilt and grief of losing someone to suicide. That's forever, just like depression and suffering and fear and loneliness.

I wonder why he's saying those mean things to you. Do you act differently with him now? Do you have a bad relationship with his mother and her new bf? It could be that he has a warped view of you since he spends so much time at his other home, maybe they're badmouthing you and he's overhearing it. Talk to him and ask him why he says these things and what you can do to make it better. He's a human being with thoughts and feelings, you can talk to him and change accordingly for his sake. A couple days of faking could help you guys a lot. Then he can associate you with fun times, being heard, and get the feeling that you love him and are doing your best.

Even if he says these things now, he is old enough to remember all this and also remember that you died by suicide. So when he's older he may wonder and feel regretful for treating you the way he did and blame himself for your decision.

Ultimately it's your decision to make, at the very least try not to frame it as something you are doing for others' sake. It's your life and your decisions, we all do things with our own benefit in mind. If you aren't getting help rn, do that asap so your son can at least remember you fondly and know that it was not something he had any influence in.