Venting Would be dead tonight if I had a place to do it.

[3/4Dead]

Just so tired.
Done with my parents, done with shitty overwhelming jobs, done with depression and anxiety, done with PTSD, just done with living. If I had a place to go (don't have the money for a hotel at the moment) I would be dying tonight.
Every day is exhausting, it's been this way for years, everything is so pointless. I am so useless. I am a burden.
Am I to work for the rest of my life, hoping it will be worth it one day for the people around me? Am I to be lonely, sad, and tired until I keel over naturally?

I want to be dead, but I know better than to do something stupid and risky. Were ODing reliable I'd down everything I have and split off to a park, or were I less concerned about failure I would jump from a building or a bridge.

Just want to be free of this life. Wishing it could be over.
I'm giving it at least another day or two before I decide whether or not I'll go through with it so soon, and if so how I'll do it. I'm upset now, and I'm sure I'm not entirely thinking straight, I need to give it time, and I need to sell and get rid of my things.

I'll share an update after a few days if I've decided to begin a plan to CTB soon.

 

[dolemitedrums]

How have the last few days treated you?

 

[3/4Dead]

How have the last few days treated you?

Been about the same. Nothing especially awful has happened, so I'm certainly greatful for that. Just work, parents trying to micromanage their adult child (me), anixety, the usual. I'm still feeling really awful, and starting to feel more certain in my plans. I'm going to try all of the run of the mill advice before committing to anything fully (see some friends, try to get some sun, take a day off etc.) but I really do not see it helping much, since my depression is honestly getting worse by the day.

I've decided I'll construct a plan now, take my time planning (since my original plan to CTB is for much farther into the future and I lack the materials or location for that) to ensure I'm not acting impulsively, getting rid of my things should take a while as I'll have to do it slowly so not to raise any suspission. Regardless, I figure by the end of August I'll either have moved (going back to university) or be dead.

Thanks for checking in, I appriciate it.

 

[3/4Dead]

Won't make a new thread, just going add onto this vent, since it's about this same situation.

Christ I'm exhausted. A couple more weeks of work, and selling my things should give my family enough money to bury me without any trouble (want natural burial). I'm not feeling up to talking to my friends. I have a guy friend of mine coming over to stay the night next week, and I'm tempted to cancel, say I have to work or something, I'm just really not feeling up to it.
Feeling so tired and frustrated. A friend came over for a few hours today and I very quickly realized she wasn't really all that interested in spending time with me and it just bummed me out even more.

All things are just crashing down and I want nothing more than to be done.

I'm sleepy. I'll rest for the night.