Took me a while to figure out what I'm actually worth... nothing! It makes absolutely no difference if I live or die. That's just the brutal reality.
I'm a 23yo guy and I've been battling depression for years. I have multiple suicide attempts and psych ward visits to my name. I have basically no friends as in people only want to be my friend when they need something. I have never been in a relationship before... never even kissed a girl in my life. I recently met a girl on a dating app and she was amazing... beautiful, smart, funny, had her shit together and she was overall just a pleasure to talk to. Until she started ignoring me for literally no reason. I assume she found someone better which probably isn't very hard to do. I thought this was going to be it... time for me to actually go on my first ever date at the very least but nope!
Every time this happens it hurts more and more. Every single time I get even more scared... I don't receive many likes (fair enough) but when I do I light up, finally getting the chance to talk to and bond with a human but it always becomes a disappointment. I don't care about sex or dating different people... I just want one person, a partner for life with an unbreakable bond and nothing but pure love. I'm staring at my phone just waiting for her reply but it never came. We were both having so much fun. She has probably forgotten all about me at this point. I don't blame her because I'm just a huge burden and a failure.
Over the years I started having pictures of a person open on my phone at all times, talking to them and pretending they can hear me just so I can feel slightly less alone. A fact that embarrasses me to no end... especially when my parents catch me doing it and ridicule me for it. I frequently see these news articles of poor old people being found dead in their homes after months because no one knows they even exist... no one cares about them. I know that's how I'm going to end up as well.
My brain doesn't function properly anymore and it hasn't for a long long time. Anxiety is basically how I feel by default, even when I'm doing nothing. I lack the ability to make simple decisions because my brain just freezes, my internal monologue is constantly fighting itself and won't stop trying to do 50 million things at once to the point where everything is exhausting. I can't focus on my work anymore and most days I just end up doing nothing like today... I'm just laying in bed while I'm supposed to be working. Probably won't be long now before I inevitably get fired.
I resorted to drugs (speed/amphetamine) just to get me through the day. It gives most people euphoria and makes them a lot more active but for me? It just makes me feel like a normal person... I forgot what it was like to breathe normally without that crushing feeling of anxiety, I forgot what it was like to be able to make decisions, I forgot what it was like to be able to socialize with someone without sounding like a robot and just do daily human things in general. It is the only thing that can make my brain just shut the fuck up for once... turning my thoughts into a single organized line instead of a bunch of spaghetti. It's incredible but no one will ever understand.
I sought help earlier last year to no avail and was forced to seek extra help after my last suicide attempt. I was put through intensive therapy and put on medication and it did get better for 1 or 2 months until I realized nothing actually changed and my depression came back. I never thought it could get any worse until things get better, you start feeling hope only to have it taken away from you again. That's when you know you've hit rock bottom. When I started feeling better I left SS and even considered posting in the recovery section. I never thought I'd be back here but here I am... in worse condition than I was before
No one believes me anymore... not my parents... not my doctor... not my therapist. No one takes me seriously. When I tell them how I feel they sigh and I know they're thinking 'here we go again'. My therapist is convinced he can cure and fix me with behavioral therapy but I have my doubts. He just tells me to man up and stop playing the victim as if that helps. Maybe I'm just not meant for this world.
I have nothing to offer and when I do it only gets abused. I stick my neck out for people I care about and in return I get nothing except being thrown in the trash when they don't need me anymore and I'm so weak and dumb that I let it happen each and every time thinking it will be different but it always ends the same way. There are billions of people that are better than me in every way possible. There is no need for me here, it really doesn't matter if I stop existing because no one will care. I'm slowly starting to accept reality praying I won't wake up anymore the next time I go to sleep. I deserve this but nooo, instead countless innocent people with actual lives die each and every day. If I could donate my life and save just one of them, I wouldn't even hesitate. Sleeping is the closest I'll get to being dead for a while but even then I'm not safe because my brain confronts me with horrible dreams of love and happiness only to wake up and have it all be fake.
I don't know how much longer I'll be here... at some point I'll probably end up doing something out of impulsivity again. Every day is torture, I have nothing to look forward to. No great career, no friends, no girlfriend, no marriage, no kids. My parents and grandparents constantly tell me how happy they would be if I ever gave them grandkids or got married but I'm just going to be disappointing them. People I used to go to high school with are finding the love of their life, buying a house, getting married, having kids and developing their career. And then there's me...
TLDR: I don't expect anyone to read this or care but I need to vent. I don't belong on this planet and it becomes clearer and clearer every single day. I offer no value at all so it might as well just be all over.
I'm a 23yo guy and I've been battling depression for years. I have multiple suicide attempts and psych ward visits to my name. I have basically no friends as in people only want to be my friend when they need something. I have never been in a relationship before... never even kissed a girl in my life. I recently met a girl on a dating app and she was amazing... beautiful, smart, funny, had her shit together and she was overall just a pleasure to talk to. Until she started ignoring me for literally no reason. I assume she found someone better which probably isn't very hard to do. I thought this was going to be it... time for me to actually go on my first ever date at the very least but nope!
Every time this happens it hurts more and more. Every single time I get even more scared... I don't receive many likes (fair enough) but when I do I light up, finally getting the chance to talk to and bond with a human but it always becomes a disappointment. I don't care about sex or dating different people... I just want one person, a partner for life with an unbreakable bond and nothing but pure love. I'm staring at my phone just waiting for her reply but it never came. We were both having so much fun. She has probably forgotten all about me at this point. I don't blame her because I'm just a huge burden and a failure.
Over the years I started having pictures of a person open on my phone at all times, talking to them and pretending they can hear me just so I can feel slightly less alone. A fact that embarrasses me to no end... especially when my parents catch me doing it and ridicule me for it. I frequently see these news articles of poor old people being found dead in their homes after months because no one knows they even exist... no one cares about them. I know that's how I'm going to end up as well.
My brain doesn't function properly anymore and it hasn't for a long long time. Anxiety is basically how I feel by default, even when I'm doing nothing. I lack the ability to make simple decisions because my brain just freezes, my internal monologue is constantly fighting itself and won't stop trying to do 50 million things at once to the point where everything is exhausting. I can't focus on my work anymore and most days I just end up doing nothing like today... I'm just laying in bed while I'm supposed to be working. Probably won't be long now before I inevitably get fired.
I resorted to drugs (speed/amphetamine) just to get me through the day. It gives most people euphoria and makes them a lot more active but for me? It just makes me feel like a normal person... I forgot what it was like to breathe normally without that crushing feeling of anxiety, I forgot what it was like to be able to make decisions, I forgot what it was like to be able to socialize with someone without sounding like a robot and just do daily human things in general. It is the only thing that can make my brain just shut the fuck up for once... turning my thoughts into a single organized line instead of a bunch of spaghetti. It's incredible but no one will ever understand.
I sought help earlier last year to no avail and was forced to seek extra help after my last suicide attempt. I was put through intensive therapy and put on medication and it did get better for 1 or 2 months until I realized nothing actually changed and my depression came back. I never thought it could get any worse until things get better, you start feeling hope only to have it taken away from you again. That's when you know you've hit rock bottom. When I started feeling better I left SS and even considered posting in the recovery section. I never thought I'd be back here but here I am... in worse condition than I was before
No one believes me anymore... not my parents... not my doctor... not my therapist. No one takes me seriously. When I tell them how I feel they sigh and I know they're thinking 'here we go again'. My therapist is convinced he can cure and fix me with behavioral therapy but I have my doubts. He just tells me to man up and stop playing the victim as if that helps. Maybe I'm just not meant for this world.
I have nothing to offer and when I do it only gets abused. I stick my neck out for people I care about and in return I get nothing except being thrown in the trash when they don't need me anymore and I'm so weak and dumb that I let it happen each and every time thinking it will be different but it always ends the same way. There are billions of people that are better than me in every way possible. There is no need for me here, it really doesn't matter if I stop existing because no one will care. I'm slowly starting to accept reality praying I won't wake up anymore the next time I go to sleep. I deserve this but nooo, instead countless innocent people with actual lives die each and every day. If I could donate my life and save just one of them, I wouldn't even hesitate. Sleeping is the closest I'll get to being dead for a while but even then I'm not safe because my brain confronts me with horrible dreams of love and happiness only to wake up and have it all be fake.
I don't know how much longer I'll be here... at some point I'll probably end up doing something out of impulsivity again. Every day is torture, I have nothing to look forward to. No great career, no friends, no girlfriend, no marriage, no kids. My parents and grandparents constantly tell me how happy they would be if I ever gave them grandkids or got married but I'm just going to be disappointing them. People I used to go to high school with are finding the love of their life, buying a house, getting married, having kids and developing their career. And then there's me...
TLDR: I don't expect anyone to read this or care but I need to vent. I don't belong on this planet and it becomes clearer and clearer every single day. I offer no value at all so it might as well just be all over.
