Breadbfra
Specialist
- Jul 16, 2020
- 374
So, I started to post here like 3 years ago. 24F from Italy so excuse my grammar mistakes in advance.
I am fucking worthless. Literally, I haven't been able to achieve something in my life. Ever, I'm alive just because my parents are fucking rich and I'm tired to pretend I'm special al something.
I've been suffering from depression my whole life, I'm overweight (not severely though luckily), I've been harassed and mocked by every grade in school. I ended up trying to kill myself in seconda liceo (I was 14) and I couldn't even do it seriously - I ended up in a psychiatric hospital where doctors constantly told my mother that I was gifted. Gifted for what? Being fat? Leaving school at 14? They made an exception and I had to finish the remaining 4 years with endless helps from doctors, meds and teachers - one got so mad that tried to make me fail my exams multiple times. I was so drugged from meds I could barely brush my teeth and I needed assistance to have a shower. The final year my parents had to pay to get me through a private school - the ones you pay for to get your diploma because I was soo behind the others that my education was below the 3rd year level. I went under K treatments and my depression disappeared.
Keep in mind - I also used to do sports during my childhood and repeatedly sucked at everyone. I tried everything - horse riding, karate, rollerskates, swimming. In none of them I've ever won anything. I was sooo brilliant at the same time worthless and useless at everything.
Tried UNiversity when doing K treatments at the same time, I studied so much that I even forgot to eat. I gained the highest grades in all my section (500+ students), after 1 year it became so unbereable I had to leave. Told my mother I wanted to do a pastry academy (always loved cooking) and here it comes - I got fucking banned from it. Due to anxiety. I was so anxious I could barely hold a spatula. and they BANNED me from going again. I was consequently bullied by everyone.
I'm writing at 24. I've acomplished nothing except for graduating from an easier baking school that led me to open my own bakery. Which fucking failed. My parents put so much money on this business and it failed. I tried again studying for 7 months how to make it function properly - opened a pizzeria - and I'm sitting here after making 450 euros in an thursday evening. Which damn fucking pizzeria in city centre in Milan makes 450 in a thursday? I just have to know. I know its' been 5 months but 450 is outrageous.
Point is: I just want to die. Even though this thought has been hiding and showing - hiding and showing - I just recently realized I accomplished nothing in my life. Nothing. I've just wasted money. I just want some car to run over me because I'm a coward. I'm so worthless I can't even kill myself and I can't even think about the fact that my girlfriend (32F) will be experiencing another suicide death. I'm stuck between hoping that someone runs me over and keeping going again and again hoping that something changes. But it's not. I know the business is going to fail in a year or so, I know I'm gonna be in a shit so deep I just won't have much more to do that killing myself.
Sorry.
I am fucking worthless. Literally, I haven't been able to achieve something in my life. Ever, I'm alive just because my parents are fucking rich and I'm tired to pretend I'm special al something.
I've been suffering from depression my whole life, I'm overweight (not severely though luckily), I've been harassed and mocked by every grade in school. I ended up trying to kill myself in seconda liceo (I was 14) and I couldn't even do it seriously - I ended up in a psychiatric hospital where doctors constantly told my mother that I was gifted. Gifted for what? Being fat? Leaving school at 14? They made an exception and I had to finish the remaining 4 years with endless helps from doctors, meds and teachers - one got so mad that tried to make me fail my exams multiple times. I was so drugged from meds I could barely brush my teeth and I needed assistance to have a shower. The final year my parents had to pay to get me through a private school - the ones you pay for to get your diploma because I was soo behind the others that my education was below the 3rd year level. I went under K treatments and my depression disappeared.
Keep in mind - I also used to do sports during my childhood and repeatedly sucked at everyone. I tried everything - horse riding, karate, rollerskates, swimming. In none of them I've ever won anything. I was sooo brilliant at the same time worthless and useless at everything.
Tried UNiversity when doing K treatments at the same time, I studied so much that I even forgot to eat. I gained the highest grades in all my section (500+ students), after 1 year it became so unbereable I had to leave. Told my mother I wanted to do a pastry academy (always loved cooking) and here it comes - I got fucking banned from it. Due to anxiety. I was so anxious I could barely hold a spatula. and they BANNED me from going again. I was consequently bullied by everyone.
I'm writing at 24. I've acomplished nothing except for graduating from an easier baking school that led me to open my own bakery. Which fucking failed. My parents put so much money on this business and it failed. I tried again studying for 7 months how to make it function properly - opened a pizzeria - and I'm sitting here after making 450 euros in an thursday evening. Which damn fucking pizzeria in city centre in Milan makes 450 in a thursday? I just have to know. I know its' been 5 months but 450 is outrageous.
Point is: I just want to die. Even though this thought has been hiding and showing - hiding and showing - I just recently realized I accomplished nothing in my life. Nothing. I've just wasted money. I just want some car to run over me because I'm a coward. I'm so worthless I can't even kill myself and I can't even think about the fact that my girlfriend (32F) will be experiencing another suicide death. I'm stuck between hoping that someone runs me over and keeping going again and again hoping that something changes. But it's not. I know the business is going to fail in a year or so, I know I'm gonna be in a shit so deep I just won't have much more to do that killing myself.
Sorry.
