GarageKarate07
Wizard
- Aug 18, 2020
- 665
I have been alone for months and this has always been the worst part of the day. Everyone is asleep online and off in my circle. I have tried to get with friends and family to spend time around living beings. It helps but it gets dark again real fast. Like a bright colored blanket thats heavy as hell on my body. The outside sees a pretty design but it's dark and cold from my perspective. Don't get me wrong, I hate people and I should love having this freedom. I just don't. The bad thoughts creep in and won't let go. I wish I had someone to call. I wish I had someone to sit with. Not even to talk about MY problems but just talk about nothing. Sometimes venting helps but sometimes just talking about things that are not important are even better. Texting on here helps a little but it's not the same. Then you go out around people and it reminds you that you don't get "along" with them. Back inside for another lunch with your own demons. Why does it seem so hard to just connect? I get stuck in my head and unintentionally ignore the people I'm with. Now nobody is here. Why does that hurt so much? I think I would "give up" on me as well but I don't give up on other people. It's just hard this time of night until the sun comes up alone. Like I'm a monster in the dark. The yo-yo of emotions is hard to deal with. I fear the world so that doesn't help either. Where is the level ground? Why do I have this and it seems nobody else does? Its just so damn hard. It's also exhausting. It feels like a triathlon. Like I ran across the world while sitting in my bed. My muscles hurt from the shaking and the intensity. Waiting for the next bad bad thing to come blow down my tiny straw fort. I spent all day on that fort. Is the end my only real escape? Is that how my story ends here? What was the point? It's hard to see down the tunnel and think there is going to be anything good there. Even when things are at thier best. That's not right. So I finally sleep. I wake up and get a little sun before dark. Coffee and nicotine and sometimes booze for breakfast. A few chores and the "day" is over. Alone again as the monsters come down from the attic to play.
I found a baby snake today and moved him from the road to some bushes. That made my day and I figured you guys would like to see it. It might be a "He" it might be non-binary. I didn't think to ask.
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