Worried about my mom

[nothingchanges]

I have literally nothing left to live for. My physical and mental health are so bad that I can barely function anymore. I'm so ready to leave and have pretty much made peace with it but I know it's going to hurt my mom. Like so bad. And I don't know how to deal with that. I know that I mean so much to her and can't stand to hurt her like this. She's always tried her best for me and she doesn't deserve this. If I stay here it will probably end up hurting her too bc I'm such a failure but I know that ending it is going to destroy her. Like I don't know if she'll survive. But at the same time, being alive is destroying me. My life is my own personal hell (like in an eerily specific way) and I need to get out. I don't deserve this. It's like I'm being punished for a crime I didn't commit or at least can't remember. Idk why I'm posting this but I'd appreciate anyones thoughts if they've had a similar hold up

 

[trizzy]

@nothingchanges I am dealing with extreme suffering with physical health also and can't function either. its already a slow death for me. but my family and community would be destroyed if I died of ctb.....

 

[Hollowman]

My mom is the main reason I'm still here, when she goes I'm out of here.

 

[Nanako]

I relate so much to pretty much everything you said. I love my mom and I can't even begin to imagine how devastated she'll be once I go.. but my situation is an unsolvable hell due to no fault of my own, and it directly impairs my ability to do what I'm passionate about. It feels like the world is consciously trying to make things as hellish as possible for me.

 

[jodes2]

I'm staying for as long as I can for my dad but mainly my gf. I'm going to hold on as long as I can, but I'm preparing CTB anyway because it gives me peace of mind that I can go at any time if I need to

 

[wait.what]

That's a particularly horrible situation to be in. Around a year ago I sat down with some of my relatives and talked to them about how life was becoming an utter nightmare for me. I asked them if they would be willing to have end-of-life conversations with me going forward, essentially as though I were very old or had a terminal diagnosis. (What I've actually got is horible enough, it just isn't "the usual" for that kind of conversation.) I said I'd be willing to take their wishes into account, so long as they were willing to look the realities of my quality of life in the eye. I got a mixed reception, but at least no one started to shriek or tell the cops to come get me with a net. Further conversations are clearly going to be necessary, but I think it did actually help to address the elephant in the room.

Ideally, everyone would be able to have open converations with their families about what appropriate end-of-life care might look like in their case. Even in this far-less-than-ideal world, I think communication would make things less horrendous for some of us. If nothing else, I think it would reduce the shock and bewilderment of surviving family members, as well as help keep them from constructing false "if only" narratives.

 

[broken_songbird]

I have literally nothing left to live for. My physical and mental health are so bad that I can barely function anymore. I'm so ready to leave and have pretty much made peace with it but I know it's going to hurt my mom. Like so bad. And I don't know how to deal with that. I know that I mean so much to her and can't stand to hurt her like this. She's always tried her best for me and she doesn't deserve this. If I stay here it will probably end up hurting her too bc I'm such a failure but I know that ending it is going to destroy her. Like I don't know if she'll survive. But at the same time, being alive is destroying me. My life is my own personal hell (like in an eerily specific way) and I need to get out. I don't deserve this. It's like I'm being punished for a crime I didn't commit or at least can't remember. Idk why I'm posting this but I'd appreciate anyones thoughts if they've had a similar hold up

I don't know about your relationship with your mom. Mine was horrible. I parented myself; occasionally she'd come out of her bedroom to bark at me or show me a new outfit (meanwhile I was a fat kid going to school without lunch). But my suicide will still be something that destroys her, even though I quit speaking to her years ago. She can make anything about her.

When I had a daughter it was different. I had somehow pieced together enough experience to be a parent and have what I think was a healthy relationship with her. We enjoyed each other's company and still respected our roles in the relationship. She always had healthy food and an adult who had her back. Losing my daughter was the worst pain I've ever experienced. I thought I had known heartbreak. I was beyond wrong. I don't want to go into details, but she did not ctb. The sadness and emptiness I carry from that loss is indescribable. Especially because I tried so hard to always be a great parent. Making sure she knew she was loved, safe, wanted, smart, funny, worthy.....it was the job I chose and wanted and rocked, even as a single parent, even with the mistakes I made.

So before you do anything irreversible, please consider your relationship with your mom. Since you're worried about hurting her it's worth thinking about. Have you tried talking to her? If you don't know what to say, it's okay to show her this post or even write another one with more details about what's happening to you. Would it hurt you if roles were reversed and your mom decided to ctb? I wouldn't be hurt if my mother did, and she also wasn't worth talking to. Is yours?

Sorry if I've overstepped. Since I've been in both roles, I wanted to offer both perspectives. Regardless, you deserve to not be destroyed. <3

 

[broken_songbird]

That's a particularly horrible situation to be in. Around a year ago I sat down with some of my relatives and talked to them about how life was becoming an utter nightmare for me. I asked them if they would be willing to have end-of-life conversations with me going forward, essentially as though I were very old or had a terminal diagnosis. (What I've actually got is horible enough, it just isn't "the usual" for that kind of conversation.) I said I'd be willing to take their wishes into account, so long as they were willing to look the realities of my quality of life in the eye. I got a mixed reception, but at least no one started to shriek or tell the cops to come get me with a net. Further conversations are clearly going to be necessary, but I think it did actually help to address the elephant in the room.

Ideally, everyone would be able to have open converations with their families about what appropriate end-of-life care might look like in their case. Even in this far-less-than-ideal world, I think communication would make things less horrendous for some of us. If nothing else, I think it would reduce the shock and bewilderment of surviving family members, as well as help keep them from constructing false "if only" narratives.

YES!! It's incredible that your family was willing to have that discussion with you, though I imagine it must have been bittersweet? I've tried to have rational conversations with professional people and they freak out! Even a friend of mine who works around death and dying all the time - he was a cop and now a medical professional, an atheist and rational about his own plan to ctb - and he wigged out. He was willing to talk about a few things like methods and his reasons, and that was so comforting, but also kinda bittersweet to hear him accept my choice, ya know? Then he went into hero mode, even though I told him his Walmart version of heroics wasn't going to suffice and just hurt more. I just want to have a rational conversation with one human person who will look at my choice and say, "Yup. I get it. It sucks, but I get it." Some validation would be effing great. >_<

 

[Nolife62]

I have literally nothing left to live for. My physical and mental health are so bad that I can barely function anymore. I'm so ready to leave and have pretty much made peace with it but I know it's going to hurt my mom. Like so bad. And I don't know how to deal with that. I know that I mean so much to her and can't stand to hurt her like this. She's always tried her best for me and she doesn't deserve this. If I stay here it will probably end up hurting her too bc I'm such a failure but I know that ending it is going to destroy her. Like I don't know if she'll survive. But at the same time, being alive is destroying me. My life is my own personal hell (like in an eerily specific way) and I need to get out. I don't deserve this. It's like I'm being punished for a crime I didn't commit or at least can't remember. Idk why I'm posting this but I'd appreciate anyones thoughts if they've had a similar hold up

I felt I would be in the same position as you but with my siblings and children, so what I did as hard as it was, I got the strength to sit each one down individually and explained the situation.
I explained the pain I deal with everyday, the health issues and the fact the doctors say there's nothing more they can do.
I told them I wanted to die with dignity while I still can and I wasn't looking for their approval and I was discussing it with them to answer any questions they might have.
I also told them that it would be selfish to ask me to continue living in pain just for their own satisfaction and while I don't know when I'll do it but I wanted them to understand why, I know it'll hurt and I know it something they might not get over but it's something they'll get through.

By talking to them in advance it will help them understand and not be left with a million questions.

My older brother committed suicide over 30 years ago and the greatest pain was having a million questions and not understanding why.
That's why I explained myself to my family ahead of time.

I don't know if this will help but with a little honest communication can ease a lot of pain. I pray for the best for you.

 

[wait.what]

I also told them that it would be selfish to ask me to continue living in pain just for their own satisfaction

Thank you. This is the thing that no one wants to hear. Medical personnel do finally bust this message out when Uncle Whozit is brain dead and on machines, although by then it's a bit late to worry about what Uncle Whozit's opinion of anything is. The hospital mostly just wants their machines back.

If only we were encouraged to consider quality of life issues for people who are not for certain going to be dead in 6 months or less. Why exactly must someone be forced to live in anguish year in and year out, for the comfort of relations they may barely speak to? (Most of us who suffer enough to seriously consider ctb are not social butterflies.)

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I felt I would be in the same position as you but with my siblings and children, so what I did as hard as it was, I got the strength to sit each one down individually and explained the situation.
I explained the pain I deal with everyday, the health issues and the fact the doctors say there's nothing more they can do.
I told them I wanted to die with dignity while I still can and I wasn't looking for their approval and I was discussing it with them to answer any questions they might have.
I also told them that it would be selfish to ask me to continue living in pain just for their own satisfaction and while I don't know when I'll do it but I wanted them to understand why, I know it'll hurt and I know it something they might not get over but it's something they'll get through.

By talking to them in advance it will help them understand and not be left with a million questions.

My older brother committed suicide over 30 years ago and the greatest pain was having a million questions and not understanding why.
That's why I explained myself to my family ahead of time.

I don't know if this will help but with a little honest communication can ease a lot of pain. I pray for the best for you.

What was their reactions to that?

 

[PrisonBreak]

I'm sorry that your going through this. I'm also in a similar situation, and can only empathize. It is one of the reasons besides SI that holds me back. But my folks are already suffering as it is having to deal with my suffering. When I finally go(hopefully soon), i will hurt alot of folks, including my mother. But it won't be a surprise to them anyway. They know how much I'm suffering physically and mentally and I believe they will one day understand and find a way to forgive me.

Perhaps reach out to your mother. Let her know how you feel and also how much you love her. I wish you well whatever you decide and may the forces be with you.

 

[Hollowillow]

I have literally nothing left to live for. My physical and mental health are so bad that I can barely function anymore. I'm so ready to leave and have pretty much made peace with it but I know it's going to hurt my mom. Like so bad. And I don't know how to deal with that. I know that I mean so much to her and can't stand to hurt her like this. She's always tried her best for me and she doesn't deserve this. If I stay here it will probably end up hurting her too bc I'm such a failure but I know that ending it is going to destroy her. Like I don't know if she'll survive. But at the same time, being alive is destroying me. My life is my own personal hell (like in an eerily specific way) and I need to get out. I don't deserve this. It's like I'm being punished for a crime I didn't commit or at least can't remember. Idk why I'm posting this but I'd appreciate anyones thoughts if they've had a similar hold up

I think I'm a failure for being too sick to work... But seeing a kind soul like you say it makes me disagree intensely. You're not a failure for being sick.

I turned my back on medicine & went vack to learn self care from zero. Mega doses of nutrition & vitamins helped me heal .. until 3 accidents in a row.

Medicine failed you but nature has better ways.

I understand your need to go. Your mom could too. Grief always hurts. But you deserve peace. If you tried everything, it's ok to give up. But if you only tried more of the same toxic crap society feed us... Perhaps there is an answer in weird places... I had great tips from adrenal fatigue sites & books... But now Im too tired to rebuild my body yet again... If you are too, I wish you peace

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel the same except with my Dad. My Mum is already dead. I'm just hoping I can hold on long enough for him to go first. I'm sorry- it's such a difficult situation.

Does your Mum know just how badly you feel? I almost feel like I play this ridiculous game with my Dad. I literally haven't seen my parents in years (Dad and step Mum) because of covid and we live so far apart. We talk a couple of times a week though and honestly, my Dad doesn't really like to hear me depressed- although he knows I am. It ends up being a load of small talk sometimes. Don't want to tell him just how bad I feel because there's nothing he can do and I don't want it to hurt and worry him. Really though, I'm so frustrated continuing on and on.

I think people who go ahead with ctb aren't selfish and it wasn't because they didn't love their friends/family- I feel like it's because they got to that point where they simply couldn't cope anymore.

 

[hamvil]

That's a particularly horrible situation to be in. Around a year ago I sat down with some of my relatives and talked to them about how life was becoming an utter nightmare for me. I asked them if they would be willing to have end-of-life conversations with me going forward, essentially as though I were very old or had a terminal diagnosis. (What I've actually got is horible enough, it just isn't "the usual" for that kind of conversation.) I said I'd be willing to take their wishes into account, so long as they were willing to look the realities of my quality of life in the eye. I got a mixed reception, but at least no one started to shriek or tell the cops to come get me with a net. Further conversations are clearly going to be necessary, but I think it did actually help to address the elephant in the room.

Ideally, everyone would be able to have open converations with their families about what appropriate end-of-life care might look like in their case. Even in this far-less-than-ideal world, I think communication would make things less horrendous for some of us. If nothing else, I think it would reduce the shock and bewilderment of surviving family members, as well as help keep them from constructing false "if only" narratives.

Impressive, it is not common to have this conversation with a loved one. I never managed to reach that point. I told two loved people that I wanted "to leave" (they understood what I meant) but we stopped there. They told me that it is non-sense and we did not go deeper into the topic. Both of them essentially told me to try to discuss this with the therapist. This I think is the most common people. I spoke of the specific problems I have in my life but the reaction I've got were along the lines that I have to move on or that I can change some aspect of my character. It is nice you managed to start this conversation, I did not manage to have it even with the therapist.
For me is not my mom (she died a long time ago) and not my father since he does not seem to care much about me. The person is my wife, she is emotionally very dependent on me. Albeit I have no idea why she is still with me. I am giving her nothing, no emotional contact, no intimacy, nothing. I guess she is really experiencing what people call love and I am a bit jealous about that. I think we cannot worry too much about this. I am tired of this life and I do not see I way it could improve in the future. Keeping each other company in silence for the next 40 or 50 years is unbearable to me. If I kill myself I think she will never forgive me, but at some point I think she would move forward with her life. I am happy that from the economical standpoint she should be fine for quite sometime.

 

[Nolife62]

What was their reactions to that?

While they were upset, hurt, and made all kinds of suggestions, I told them I wasn't planning on doing it now (I said this so they wouldn't panic and call 911).
I also told them I wasn't asking for their permission and if they wanted to let it sink in and have a conversation about it later I would welcome their concerns and answer any questions but this was my decision and I would not give them a heads up and that I just wanted to give them some comfort and eliminate the questions people usually have after suicide and the feeling of " what if"
Sorry this is so long some answers are complicated

 

[BandAddict]

My mom is my anchor. Even though we have our problems and it seems like she can't understand some things, she's the reason I'm sticking around. I really hate the thought of putting her through something so horrible. I try to hold on for now. If something happens to her, no more thinking, I'm gone.

 

[broken_songbird]

My mom is my anchor. Even though we have our problems and it seems like she can't understand some things, she's the reason I'm sticking around. I really hate the thought of putting her through something so horrible. I try to hold on for now. If something happens to her, no more thinking, I'm gone.

My dad and his mom were besties. Once she died, he gave up and went within a year. I'm glad you have someone. <3

 

[theboy]

I feel the same as you. However, suffering for others is not okay...

 

[nothingchanges]

I don't know about your relationship with your mom. Mine was horrible. I parented myself; occasionally she'd come out of her bedroom to bark at me or show me a new outfit (meanwhile I was a fat kid going to school without lunch). But my suicide will still be something that destroys her, even though I quit speaking to her years ago. She can make anything about her.

When I had a daughter it was different. I had somehow pieced together enough experience to be a parent and have what I think was a healthy relationship with her. We enjoyed each other's company and still respected our roles in the relationship. She always had healthy food and an adult who had her back. Losing my daughter was the worst pain I've ever experienced. I thought I had known heartbreak. I was beyond wrong. I don't want to go into details, but she did not ctb. The sadness and emptiness I carry from that loss is indescribable. Especially because I tried so hard to always be a great parent. Making sure she knew she was loved, safe, wanted, smart, funny, worthy.....it was the job I chose and wanted and rocked, even as a single parent, even with the mistakes I made.

So before you do anything irreversible, please consider your relationship with your mom. Since you're worried about hurting her it's worth thinking about. Have you tried talking to her? If you don't know what to say, it's okay to show her this post or even write another one with more details about what's happening to you. Would it hurt you if roles were reversed and your mom decided to ctb? I wouldn't be hurt if my mother did, and she also wasn't worth talking to. Is yours?

Sorry if I've overstepped. Since I've been in both roles, I wanted to offer both perspectives. Regardless, you deserve to not be destroyed. <3

Thanks for this. I've told her that I don't really want to be around anymore and she just gets sad and tries to talk me out of it. I don't think she could ever accept that this is what I want. But while I recognize how bad it could be for her, I also recognize that I suffer in a way that's severely disproportionate to those around me and like someone else said, I shouldn't have to suffer just to keep someone else happy. Idk. Maybe that makes me a terrible person. I'm not sure I can do it anyway. My SI is indomitable.

 

[broken_songbird]

Thanks for this. I've told her that I don't really want to be around anymore and she just gets sad and tries to talk me out of it. I don't think she could ever accept that this is what I want. But while I recognize how bad it could be for her, I also recognize that I suffer in a way that's severely disproportionate to those around me and like someone else said, I shouldn't have to suffer just to keep someone else happy. Idk. Maybe that makes me a terrible person. I'm not sure I can do it anyway. My SI is indomitable.

You're not a terrible person. You're a person reacting to disproportionate circumstances. <3