I'm very close to finishing my prep to CTB, but as I get closer to it I'm worried about my friend. She doesn't have a lot of close relationships in her life and I've only known her for a couple of months now. She's a really sweet person and I promised her that I would stick around in her life because she think that she's destined to be alone and I want to prove her wrong. But I've been getting progressively worse and I don't know if I can really commit to living. I'm worried about her safety if I CTB since she said it might make her really lonely and she might do something herself. Even though its her choice I don't ever want to do anything that would contribute to that. I've been trying a lot to go to therapy and to meet and hang out with new friends but none of it helps me. I know I'm not destined to live for much longer but I want to make sure my friend is safe before I CTB, any advice?
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I have similar problem here - got some human entities that depend strongly on my existence.
Solution i chose to implement - decided to prolong my suffering and stay for them as long as i'm required or as long as i'm able to perform my tasks efficiently.
Solution i chose to implement - decided to prolong my suffering and stay for them as long as i'm required or as long as i'm able to perform my tasks efficiently.
I'm just worried that might take a long time, and the longer I live the more likely I am to develop an even stronger connection with her which would make my CTB even worse for her. I need a way to guarantee her safety while still letting me do what I have to do
Your right its not something I have to do, I just struggle to see a world where I don't so it just kinda feels innevitable yknow
Yes, you could say i understand. You see, for me at least, it's all about choice when given certain circumstances.
To give you an example - i hate myself. The way i look, the way i sound, the way i react. Also, i did some things in the past that i personally count as very important failures. So i want to end my existence as it is unpleasant to say the least. Researched the methods, chose two of them i saw fitting and prepared them for use. That's one side of the scales. On the other side - there are people i chose to support. Not that i was told to - i want to. Again, my choice to do so. So, looking at the scales, i decided to postpone my suicide as my urge to protect and provide is atm stronger than self hatred.
Given above i think it's relevant to ask - what is stronger for you? Your desire to leave this world or your desire to protect that person? Because let's be honest - once you leave you can do nothing to support her in any meaningful way. Typically parents try to protect their children by providing stable future so when they die, children will have best possible shot at comfortable survival. They leave inheritance - money, goods etc. But after they are gone, they can do nothing. If shit happens it happens and what they left might not be enough. Same with your situation - if you leave, no matter what you do there's always possibility of some fuckup you did not foresee so no. You can't ENSURE her safety. Only increase her odds of survival. Which will be lowered anyway by your very act of leaving. She will suffer, no matter how much you reason with her. Every death causes grief among loved ones and that goes double for suicide.
To give you an example - i hate myself. The way i look, the way i sound, the way i react. Also, i did some things in the past that i personally count as very important failures. So i want to end my existence as it is unpleasant to say the least. Researched the methods, chose two of them i saw fitting and prepared them for use. That's one side of the scales. On the other side - there are people i chose to support. Not that i was told to - i want to. Again, my choice to do so. So, looking at the scales, i decided to postpone my suicide as my urge to protect and provide is atm stronger than self hatred.
Given above i think it's relevant to ask - what is stronger for you? Your desire to leave this world or your desire to protect that person? Because let's be honest - once you leave you can do nothing to support her in any meaningful way. Typically parents try to protect their children by providing stable future so when they die, children will have best possible shot at comfortable survival. They leave inheritance - money, goods etc. But after they are gone, they can do nothing. If shit happens it happens and what they left might not be enough. Same with your situation - if you leave, no matter what you do there's always possibility of some fuckup you did not foresee so no. You can't ENSURE her safety. Only increase her odds of survival. Which will be lowered anyway by your very act of leaving. She will suffer, no matter how much you reason with her. Every death causes grief among loved ones and that goes double for suicide.
i think it changes from hour to hour, sometimes i feel really determined to live so that i can be her friend and make her happy, but a lot of the time it just hurts too much and it's hard to care about anyone other than myself and my own pain, i kinda hate it when i think like that though, it makes me feel selfish
You are not selfish. You are hurt. And maybe (just a suggestion mind you) you should talk to her about it. I mean - you want to be her shield but due to your state you are not always able to. That's ok. We're not machines. So, could she be your shield when your mind is on the darker side? Like some smol reassurances that you are needed and doing good? Might work for ya. Worked for me, at least for now...
FakeProdigy
Can you feel my heart?
- Apr 6, 2025
- 21
Unfortunately I don't think there's anything you can do, besides finding her someone else that she could rely on. Even then, if you truly are all that she's got it might hurt too much to have you be gone. You don't have a choice friend, either stick around or CTB and never know what will happen once you're gone. You're not selfish for being hurt and thinking about acting on your pain, and I'm sure this person knows that. I am in a similar situation with my girlfriend, I know that CTB would probably make her do something horrible too, so I stick around, waiting. Sometimes I even wish she would find another person to love just so I can finally go and rest.
