Venting worlds most boring suicide attempt

[toro]

this was a few weeks ago but the embarrassments finally shed enough that im willing to talk about it, not that theres even much to talk about. i tried to overdose on my medication but it just ended up with me vomiting, i probably shouldve gone to the doctors or something after to check that i was okay but i didnt even wanna admit what i was trying to do, i didnt even take that many because im a pussy and wanting to have plausible deniability if i was caught

i did it at work, because i hate that place more than anywhere else in the world. i wish i could tell you all my exact role, location, job type so that you all know to stay far away from here, but im too scared of doxxing myself. just know that if you are in england and offered a job within the nhs that it is not worth any amount of pay they offer you. im going to end up killing myself as nhs staff, which is ironic since the office i currently work in used to be the same ward my mum gave birth to me at

i wish i could kill myself properly, if i had a gun id have shot myself years ago and the fact that im still alive disappoints me everyday. i am crying every single day from the moment i wake up until the moment i go to bed, theres no happiness here at all and nothing worth sticking for, i dont know what to do. im speaking to my gp again today so maybe ill tell him or maybe i wont, i dont want to be put into a facility or anything but as it was 3 weeks or so ago i dont think they can? im tired of waking up every morning, i have been telling people and reaching out but they just keep referring me on and work couldnt care less. they have to pretend to because staff at another hospital with the same role as me killed himself a while ago, but its just for show. i try and actually speak to them and say seriously how much im struggling and im shrugged off and told that the work load isnt that bad anymore, as if thats all that matters. i just need a method i can seriously use, right now i think partial hanging would probably be the best i could do right now but im not against or above splurging money to get something more sure

none of this even makes sense, im supposed to be in recovery and getting my shit together, but instead im 20 years old and can only bare to look at myself in the mirror if im not sober. there is nothing good ahead of me because i dont deserve it and i havent earned it at all, sorry for the long post

 

[Davey40210]

I'm sorry you feel that way. I know people in the NHS and understand it is a terrible place to work.

Is that the reason you want to CTB though? Or what is the reason?

 

[Forever Sleep]

There's no need to apologise for a long post. I'm sorry you're going through this. I once thought about applying for an NHS job and a colleague at the time said something very important and sensible- jobs like that take a lot out of people. Witnessing and caring and supporting people in difficult situations can be distressing so- who is supporting you? I think it goes the same for other jobs too- the police, fire fighters, ambulance drivers, care home workers. They all get to see the most distressing sides of life. It's hard to deal with that if there's no one supporting you and it doesn't sound like companies do a great job of either supporting or valuing their staff. I did have a brief experience doing a job like that and it was by far my colleagues on the ground level who were the most supportive.

I do love your wry sense of humour... 'world's most boring suicide attempt.' Big hug to you.

 

[complex]

I work for nhs and work my arse of for a stupidly low wage and no respect from my managers. I love my patients and some of my team totally see my worth so I go in every shift and work my arse off again and again to people please.
I to have spoken out about struggles but until i was diagnosed ASD they just avoided any reasonable adjustments!!!
U need to get out of where u r and find a team (in or out of nhs) that see your worth and to feel your own worth. I stay as my patients seem to like me and my team KNOW me warts and all and at my old age of over forty i am to scared to try and build that back up somewhere new.
I WILL CTB as i cannot face another Christmas but I too have had 'embarrassing' OD attempts (2) but mine have been made public so am mortified by them as now am seen as 'Cry Wolf' in my mind to others which cuts me deep!!!!
I truly hope u can work on ur situation and find at least a few supportive work networks x