ClownMe
Don't Cry for Me, I'm Already Dead
- Apr 7, 2021
- 20,561
I should preface by saying im not sure if this is a vent or something else entirely, but i think it's somewhat of a vent, a different kind of vent.
Today I had a "moment of realisation" (i think that's how you'd describe it, not really sure what it was to be honest). Basically, before today i had always looked at work through the lense of the "just gotta survive another day" mentality, and i think i still do to an extent, however there is somewhat of another element at play now that I can't even explain.
So basically what happened was I had to watch this ridiculous video about planning for the future, because they wanted me to set goals for some reason. Anyway, in the video they had managers who worked their way to the top of the food chain after starting as crew members (i work fast food), the managers mainly babbled on about how they were able to make it to the top, save lots of money, buy houses, go on holidays etc etc and during it i wasnt even the slightest bit interested, in fact i almost literally fell asleep.
In my head i was thinking, "why don't i get a better job than this?", but then I thought about that a little more and came to the conclusion that it wouldn't even matter, the reason it doesn't matter is because nothing in this life interests me, money is pointless to me, it may give me a short time rush but the reality is that it cant fill the void for me, holidays are the same, i could be standing on the top of the Eiffel Tower, or watching the sun set over the Great Pyramids Of Giza, and i wouldn't feel a thing, I could be elected the President of the entire World and I still wouldn't feel dignified.
That video made me realise how far my brain had deviated from the false reality that is life. It was somewhat of a curse, but in many ways it was a blessing in disguise. I've never felt so calm about my future suicide, when the time comes for me to ctb, i feel like i will be able to accept it for what it is and let go without worry or regret. Work will still fucking suck of course, but hopefully this new found feeling will make it slightly more tolerable (probably not, but oh well).
I don't know if this post really helped anyone or resonated with anyone, or if anyone even wanted to hear it in the first place (lol), but I just really wanted to share it with someone after the big day i've had. My family doesn't take my mental health seriously and the only thing i'm even living for is my dog, i love how like minded and supportive the SS community is and if you read this entire post i'm extremely grateful.
What are your experiences with work when you know that you're really working for nothing because you plan to ctb soon?
Today I had a "moment of realisation" (i think that's how you'd describe it, not really sure what it was to be honest). Basically, before today i had always looked at work through the lense of the "just gotta survive another day" mentality, and i think i still do to an extent, however there is somewhat of another element at play now that I can't even explain.
So basically what happened was I had to watch this ridiculous video about planning for the future, because they wanted me to set goals for some reason. Anyway, in the video they had managers who worked their way to the top of the food chain after starting as crew members (i work fast food), the managers mainly babbled on about how they were able to make it to the top, save lots of money, buy houses, go on holidays etc etc and during it i wasnt even the slightest bit interested, in fact i almost literally fell asleep.
In my head i was thinking, "why don't i get a better job than this?", but then I thought about that a little more and came to the conclusion that it wouldn't even matter, the reason it doesn't matter is because nothing in this life interests me, money is pointless to me, it may give me a short time rush but the reality is that it cant fill the void for me, holidays are the same, i could be standing on the top of the Eiffel Tower, or watching the sun set over the Great Pyramids Of Giza, and i wouldn't feel a thing, I could be elected the President of the entire World and I still wouldn't feel dignified.
That video made me realise how far my brain had deviated from the false reality that is life. It was somewhat of a curse, but in many ways it was a blessing in disguise. I've never felt so calm about my future suicide, when the time comes for me to ctb, i feel like i will be able to accept it for what it is and let go without worry or regret. Work will still fucking suck of course, but hopefully this new found feeling will make it slightly more tolerable (probably not, but oh well).
I don't know if this post really helped anyone or resonated with anyone, or if anyone even wanted to hear it in the first place (lol), but I just really wanted to share it with someone after the big day i've had. My family doesn't take my mental health seriously and the only thing i'm even living for is my dog, i love how like minded and supportive the SS community is and if you read this entire post i'm extremely grateful.
What are your experiences with work when you know that you're really working for nothing because you plan to ctb soon?