Working up the courage to explode my life and rebuild

[thirdrailer]

I'm realizing I need to start over pretty completely. Like, if thinking of buying a bus ticket, let me try everything else first. And I really need to stop doing basically everything in my life and start anew. But that's terrifying to me. I have a stable income from a job with health insurance that covers my trans health care. But the job just consumes my soul. I have COVID right now and not even thinking about work was so liberating. I'm finding I wish my case were more severe just so I wouldn't have to work.

How do you work up the courage to blow everything up and start again?

 

[CC123]

Don't "blow everything up"
prioritize and figure out what is doable vs wishful thinking
know what to get away from as well as what to go towards
not everything will work and you will change your mind a lot
best wishes

 

[Redacted24]

So, I'm kind of in the same mind. Comfortable suburban house, stable office job, spouse&kids, all the outward appearances of the most boring normal person you know. But, not.

I think ending my life can take many forms. The physical act is the one I've been most drawn to, but as I started preparing for that, I realized I could also end my life "as I know it."

That would mean a divorce, changing cities, ditching people and relationships here, and rebuilding somewhere else. Perhaps become a field rep elsewhere, live single and (much) poorer, and see how it goes. Kind of like I started out a long time ago.
It'll either work out, or not. May not be better or worse, but it'll be different. Right now I'd settle for different.
And if that doesn't work out well, hey everywhere has bus stops.

I think it's a positive that by severing local ties and moving away I'll slowly be forgotten/ disconnected by those here. It'll make my eventual disappearance more gradual.
wish you the best no matter what you choose.