Archness
Defective Personel
- Jan 20, 2023
- 472
I'm literally this close to completely giving up with wanting a job. Honestly, I might just completely give up and hold up in my room till ctb. I'm really trapped, and all anyone can say is "Just be better", bruh, like, why didn't I just do that? Why didn't I just become a writer? perhaps even an indie dev. But no, instead I'm FUCKING USELESS.
I hate it, I hate it. There isn't anything, I'm nothing even. Mother just went on about how the work I'll do is hard and shit, I'll LITERALLY be wiping shit, and how I'll be at the bottom and how I should "have ambition". Just shut the fuck up. I can't ever open my mouth anywhere but here, but honestly, one day, on her usual activities of putting me down, I'll put her down, it's just fucking enough. If my life is gonna be shit anyways, if it isn't gonna be worth living, then is there any reason to continue to have any discipline or restraint? Maybe I'll kill her and move on to the next life.
I can think I've "matured" and "moved on" from those thoughts, only for them to return at times like this. Ever since I grown strong enough to possibly kill her with physical force, a little before sometimes, I could get those kinds of thoughts. I'm between thinking her improvements as a parent where genuine or just because it's one thing for a child to have a tantrum and another for an adult to have a mental breakdown and kill/mame you.
What a shit life, acting nice to make peace just to create another reason to get angry at me. Might as well let her have actual reason in that case. Everything's bad yet what's important is smiling and being polite.
Disingenuous... At the meeting, for getting me a job, she seemed like she'd like for me to get any job at all. But really, I failed, she's just happy I'll go away. I know that now, with that tone of voice. I'm just a fucking fool.
How powerless I am. The moment I get off my ass and hurt her will be the day I die.
- - -
That's really how I feel at times. Just needed to let it out like that. Where else could I vent without immediately being judged/punished? Honestly venting is pointless but the only way to address this to myself. I could move on to listening to music and feeling much better and relieved now (as I post this).
I hate it, I hate it. There isn't anything, I'm nothing even. Mother just went on about how the work I'll do is hard and shit, I'll LITERALLY be wiping shit, and how I'll be at the bottom and how I should "have ambition". Just shut the fuck up. I can't ever open my mouth anywhere but here, but honestly, one day, on her usual activities of putting me down, I'll put her down, it's just fucking enough. If my life is gonna be shit anyways, if it isn't gonna be worth living, then is there any reason to continue to have any discipline or restraint? Maybe I'll kill her and move on to the next life.
I can think I've "matured" and "moved on" from those thoughts, only for them to return at times like this. Ever since I grown strong enough to possibly kill her with physical force, a little before sometimes, I could get those kinds of thoughts. I'm between thinking her improvements as a parent where genuine or just because it's one thing for a child to have a tantrum and another for an adult to have a mental breakdown and kill/mame you.
What a shit life, acting nice to make peace just to create another reason to get angry at me. Might as well let her have actual reason in that case. Everything's bad yet what's important is smiling and being polite.
Disingenuous... At the meeting, for getting me a job, she seemed like she'd like for me to get any job at all. But really, I failed, she's just happy I'll go away. I know that now, with that tone of voice. I'm just a fucking fool.
How powerless I am. The moment I get off my ass and hurt her will be the day I die.
- - -
That's really how I feel at times. Just needed to let it out like that. Where else could I vent without immediately being judged/punished? Honestly venting is pointless but the only way to address this to myself. I could move on to listening to music and feeling much better and relieved now (as I post this).
