Venting Work is a mere distraction

[madbananas]

I actually enjoy it. I enjoy the company of the people I work with. It's the second I leave that I remember everything in my life which means I need to ctb. I cry on my way home and I cry when I'm home until I fall asleep. The only time i avoid crying at home is when my mum is in my presence.
Anyone else similar? Internalising everything is beginning to feel like it's going to cause me a heart attack. Which in itself isn't so bad and would maybe be an ok way out. But realistically it would take years and years more of feeling like this for my heart to give out.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I used to be like that after I had a particularly bad breakup. Work was great, then I'd come home and cry.

 

[madbananas]

I used to be like that after I had a particularly bad breakup. Work was great, then I'd come home and cry.

It's horrible. It feels like more false hope because I can't leave the pain behind for good because my situation is ongoing. I just wish I wasn't such a freak of nature ha

I used to be like that after I had a particularly bad breakup. Work was great, then I'd come home and cry.

Additionally I'm a few months away from graduating so I'm feeling even more trapped succeeding in things while all the poop is going on sounds like a good thing but wanting to be dead more than anything while getting myself stuck in a society I just don't belong in is awful

 

[LenkaX]

My work was always shit, people treated me like garbage. Now I'm finally NEET.

 

[madbananas]

My work was always shit, people treated me like garbage. Now I'm finally NEET.

Hugs

 

[(`-.-`)<==;;=]]

I also do, and really can relate to this. I enjoy the time with my coworkers and i do things constantly, then everyone goes to their home to have a life, and i just leave to start being haunted by myself and my loops over and over.

Maybe try to dive in? workholism can fuck u up or maybe give u something else to think about. Last months i've been workholising a lot, trying to do little projects on the side to keep me distracted, trying to picture a realistic path for me to have a decent job somewhere far from here, with decent money to start my life over, even if it's highly improbable, it's been helpful at times (and stressing, dont take advice from me)

The heart attack feeling is most likely the anxiety build-up, try to love yourself a bit if you have the strength with something specifically meant to ease you, TVShow + joint / tea, making an emphasis on not solving anything, sometimes u just will block any self-awareness or resolving (non-looping) thoughts about ur problems because your body is on "alarm mode" and cant get to that state of mind (this can go on indefinitevly). Taking a walk, or with a bike, i dont usually do that but the times i managed to push myself, it's been mostly always helpful, even if its only for getting physically tired and get through the day. Tricking my mind into a state where it can eventually do something useful, is what im trying now, even if it most of the time feels naive

 

[Good4Nothing]

I actually enjoy it. I enjoy the company of the people I work with. It's the second I leave that I remember everything in my life which means I need to ctb. I cry on my way home and I cry when I'm home until I fall asleep. The only time i avoid crying at home is when my mum is in my presence.
Anyone else similar? Internalising everything is beginning to feel like it's going to cause me a heart attack. Which in itself isn't so bad and would maybe be an ok way out. But realistically it would take years and years more of feeling like this for my heart to give out.

I feel this, too. Work, and playing video games when I'm home, occupy my thoughts and keep the rage at bay.
But I currently have an hour drive to and from work, and my brain goes to thoughts of hate and revenge and violence.
It's fucking horrible, and I can't stop these intrusive thoughts. They come every time I'm not occupied with something else.
I hate it. It will be the end of me.

 

[Mm80]

I dont know why but this post makes me feel so sad for you. Bless you for putting on a brave face. I hope your suffering eases somehow x

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I find the same with college. It's stressful but it gives me something to do that's not thinking about suicidal thoughts.

 

[madbananas]

I also do, and really can relate to this. I enjoy the time with my coworkers and i do things constantly, then everyone goes to their home to have a life, and i just leave to start being haunted by myself and my loops over and over.

Maybe try to dive in? workholism can fuck u up or maybe give u something else to think about. Last months i've been workholising a lot, trying to do little projects on the side to keep me distracted, trying to picture a realistic path for me to have a decent job somewhere far from here, with decent money to start my life over, even if it's highly improbable, it's been helpful at times (and stressing, dont take advice from me)

The heart attack feeling is most likely the anxiety build-up, try to love yourself a bit if you have the strength with something specifically meant to ease you, TVShow + joint / tea, making an emphasis on not solving anything, sometimes u just will block any self-awareness or resolving (non-looping) thoughts about ur problems because your body is on "alarm mode" and cant get to that state of mind (this can go on indefinitevly). Taking a walk, or with a bike, i dont usually do that but the times i managed to push myself, it's been mostly always helpful, even if its only for getting physically tired and get through the day. Tricking my mind into a state where it can eventually do something useful, is what im trying now, even if it most of the time feels naive

thank you. I'm just so wanting to die to be honest, but thank you for all the advice anyway. I used to throw myself into work majorly but then that crumbled as well and now I'm left just a shell to be honest

I feel this, too. Work, and playing video games when I'm home, occupy my thoughts and keep the rage at bay.
But I currently have an hour drive to and from work, and my brain goes to thoughts of hate and revenge and violence.
It's fucking horrible, and I can't stop these intrusive thoughts. They come every time I'm not occupied with something else.
I hate it. It will be the end of me.

It is horrible, I'm sorry you experience it too. Mine are intrusive thoughts as well. Ugh I just want my life to be over

I dont know why but this post makes me feel so sad for you. Bless you for putting on a brave face. I hope your suffering eases somehow x

Thank you. It's painful as hell x

I find the same with college. It's stressful but it gives me something to do that's not thinking about suicidal thoughts.

Glad you get a break from the thoughts for a bit as well