Word vomit by yours truly

[DepressionsAHo]

I feel absolutely pathetic for being here this long. I look at all the new users having the courage to go through with their suicide within a very short time of being here and I feel nothing but envy. I get that it's not a race, this site's purpose isn't just for killing yourself and I mean no disrespect to anybody that's been here as long as I have. I joined in February of this year but I've been here since August of 18'. I roam, I search, I read post after post whilst wallowing in my own personal pity party and not having the courage to end it. I longe for the day I finally gain that courage. There's so many here that have gone before me. Why can I not be them? Why am I here still while so many others have found their peace within a few days or months of joining? Why can I not just finally end this? I want to so bad. I want to leave this world everyday and yet here I am. Just as lonely as ever following the exact same monotonous routine as the day before with an emptiness that grows monstrously everyday.
Why. Am. I. Still. Here?
I love this site but I'm ready for the real deal that just won't come.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Please don't feel bad that you're still here. When the time is right you will know. It doesn't mean you're weak. It's so natural to be terrified to end your life. So many questions and scenarios run through your mind. Is this going to work? Am I going to feel pain? Is someone going to find me in the middle of it? It's natural. I'm so sorry you're in mental anguish everyday. Until you finally decide to do it maybe going to therapy would make you feel a little better. Obviously you don't tell the therapist you want to die but maybe you can find coping skills. I know it's a stupid idea. I'm just trying to help.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Please don't feel bad that you're still here. When the time is right you will know. It doesn't mean you're weak. It's so natural to be terrified to end your life. So many questions and scenarios run through your mind. Is this going to work? Am I going to feel pain? Is someone going to find me in the middle of it? It's natural. I'm so sorry you're in mental anguish everyday. Until you finally decide to do it maybe going to therapy would make you feel a little better. Obviously you don't tell the therapist you want to die but maybe you can find coping skills. I know it's a stupid idea. I'm just trying to help.

It's not a stupid idea. My insurance won't cover a therapist and there's absolutely no way I could afford even one session by myself. I'm just waiting for my second job so i can afford N and once i get fired from that, I'm hoping itll give me the final push i need so bad. It's not that I'm scared, it's the feeling needed to go through, that extra oomph needed. Until then, this site is my therapy but even here, with the (sad) explosion of new users, I feel like an outcast. I dunno. I feel dumb for feeling this way but what can I say. I do

 

[Sweet emotion]

It's not a stupid idea. My insurance won't cover a therapist and there's absolutely no way I could afford even one session by myself. I'm just waiting for my second job so i can afford N and once i get fired from that, I'm hoping itll give me the final push i need so bad. It's not that I'm scared, it's the feeling needed to go through, that extra oomph needed. Until then, this site is my therapy but even here, with the (sad) explosion of new users, I feel like an outcast. I dunno. I feel dumb for feeling this way but what can I say. I do

Do you ever try to talk to people on here because you don't sound ridiculous to me. You're starting your feelings very clearly. Try it more often. I don't think people care if you might sound a little awkward. It's all where the message is coming from and if you're coming from a good place then people will appreciate you.

 

[a_strange_day]

I feel absolutely pathetic for being here this long. I look at all the new users having the courage to go through with their suicide within a very short time of being here and I feel nothing but envy.

You're not the only one, I think there are a lot of people here in the same situation, myself included. I used to be exactly like you, wondering everyday if I'm ever gonna have the balls to do it. If you are still here that just means you are not ready. There is no deadline and comparing yourself to others who have supposedly taken the last step is the worst thing to do in my opinion. Take all the time you need, years or even decades if needed, when you are ready you'll feel it

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Yeah lots of people are like this me included. It's normal to feel conflicted it's part of the reason why this site exists. Talking may help a little as a distraction and there are plenty of people here who will listen.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

You're not the only one, I think there are a lot of people here in the same situation, myself included. I used to be exactly like you, wondering everyday if I'm ever gonna have the balls to do it. If you are still here that just means you are not ready. There is no deadline and comparing yourself to others who have supposedly taken the last step is the worst thing to do in my opinion. Take all the time you need, years or even decades if needed, when you are ready you'll feel it

I know that feeling. I had it just this year in February. It was amazing. I was so ready. I pray it doesn't take years to get that feeling again

Yeah lots of people are like this me included. It's normal to feel conflicted it's part of the reason why this site exists. Talking may help a little as a distraction and there are plenty of people here who will listen.

Oh wow. A person whose been here even longer than I have. How do you deal with it? I haven't talked to very many people here and I hesitate to reach out. All the people or most that I knew before are all gone and I've no idea where I'd start to come out to the new ones. I have it in my head that everybody hates me on here. Pathetic I know. its the same with my siblings. i havent felt like my brother was my brother since 6th grade and im 22 now. i dont have any real connection with them

Do you ever try to talk to people on here because you don't sound ridiculous to me. You're starting your feelings very clearly. Try it more often. I don't think people care if you might sound a little awkward. It's all where the message is coming from and if you're coming from a good place then people will appreciate you.

I don't try to really and nobody tries to talk to me either. I don't know where I'd start and I just feel dumb trying to converse with people let alone people on here. There's just so many new users signing up everyday and I feel lost in this corner by myself

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I don't deal well with it my time is coming to an end.
Getting to know people on here to me is like driving on the motorway when you find yourself behind the same car for the whole journey, you overtake when they do and manoeuvre as they do not on purpose but because your driving styles match. Then you flash your indicators in goodbye when they exit the road.