Venting womp womp

[hopeurhappylb]

I'm in such a shitty situation right now and probably will be for the foreseeable future, everyone hates me for some reason and then won't even tell me why, what I've done wrong, how I can change for the better, no matter how much I ask for an explanation on anything.
People harass me, cyberstalk me, spread lies and half truths about me. Thinly worded threats to expose my identity when I try to remain anonymous. They turn my friends against me and then said friends refuse to tell me why they won't associate with me anymore, NOBODY fucking tells me anything. How am I supposed to be a better person if no one tells me what I did wrong in the first place? Do they expect me to magically know things? to magically make things better all of a sudden? fuck off.
This bullying I've been facing is one of many reasons I want to die. Not the only one, but one of them. It makes me miserable constantly, wondering if I'm secretly a terrible person, if I did something bad I don't remember, and it isn't helped by the fact I have OCD and obsess over this stuff. I am literally constantly miserable, can't sleep at night because of the trauma, have nightmares every time I do manage to get some sleep. It's miserable.
This is a bit of a negative thought, but it's a vent, so I'm just getting my feelings out, but I really want all the people who traumatized me to know about my suicide, know its their fault, and feel shitty about it forever. Maybe they'll actually learn to become better people when they realize their actions have consequences. I fantasize every night about dying brutally, having them kill me brutally, or killing myself brutally. I want to die so badly so I do't have to deal with the constant misery other people are causing me, and I want those other people to know that they played a part in my death. boo-hoo

these are just my sad, depressed thoughts. Don't take this as indicative of my morals, I'm just venting my unfiltered emotions, and I do feel guilt that I want the people who victimized me to have my blood on their hands. Suicide is a personal choice, so I can't really put the blame on them.

 

[hopeurhappylb]

It could just be paranoia, sometime I'll think people are mad at me or talking about me but it's hard to tell when you're depressed. Sometimes it warps your perspective so I try to just dismiss it if I can't find a reason why. If they don't tell you outright and you can't figure it out then it's probably just our brains being weird. I'd ask those friends though if it is a genuine concern, but sometimes people just get busy it doesn't necessarily mean they're avoiding you - so I'd definitely verify just in case

That is true,, there have definitely been other situations where I was paranoid someone hated me because of my intrusive thoughts and I had to reason with myself that it was obviously not the case. Though the situation I'm perpetually in right now is a little messy, and it is likely some people are remaining friends with me just to get "information" they can relay back to my "abusers" (can't think of a better word rn, I don't think abuse is an accurate term)
I've attempted asking before, with really no response at all. I really wanna work up the courage to ask more directly, but I'm super worried that it will cause more harm than good to come my way, and might make more harassment occur.
I really do wanna stop caring about this unfortunate situation I've been thrown in the middle of, but it's a little hard to do when it's my life… That being said, I probably just care and obsess way too much about what other people think of me.