If this is your experience, I would leave. You don't deserve to be treated less than or abused or anything that you've described above. Her having BPD doesn't make any of that acceptable.
I won't leave, unless I'm forced... or I decide to check out. I made a commitment, and I don't break my word once it's given.
If I check out, or (ctb) as folks here like to say, she'll still have everything I promised her... except me. I'm sure it wouldn't help her abandonment issues... in fact that's one of the few things keeping me on this plane. lurking on this forum has helped bring me to a point where I understand my reasons a bit better, and her abandonment issues are one of them.
The pain
is pretty damn bad, though. Such lack has never been in my nature before. Might just be time to do something completely selfish... so much of my time anymore is spent so self-centered, anyway. My pain, my distraction from the pain, my lack of sleep, my weakness, me me me.
I don't like this foreigner I've become, and I don't think it's helping her, either.
What on earth could possess a disordered person unable of empathizing with others to abuse a person they have no respect for?
Lol. Lmao.
You have an incisive wit that I often can appreciate.
I have a better question, a question for the "lover", why would you love a terrible person? Doesn't that make you a terrible person? What is wrong with YOU? Because you are the one with the illusions here i'm afraid.
There is nothing romantic about dedicating yourself to serving the needs of a monster.
Your love is not worth anything if you let yourself be manipulated into giving it. The people unable of loving understand this, and hate you for it. They will take everything you have to give and hate you for giving it.
Here's a question for you, swingin' D... have you ever met a person who
wasn't terrible?
We all have our illusions. I'm pretty sure that loving someone isn't what makes me terrible... what makes me terrible is the things I've done to undeserving folks out of hate, contempt, greed, lust... or just for shits and giggles. Never love.
Monsters are often the only creatures that
can serve the needs of monsters. We, all of us... monsters, psychopaths, megalomaniacs... "normies" (whatever that is) are all thrown into this life together to make of it what we will. Or what we won't, rather... for some who frequent this board. We had no choice, yet we have choices and we make them. Does that make sense?
Every time you decide to interact with anything or any one you are manipulating. Literally:
Manipulate
- To move, arrange, operate, or control by the hands or another body part or by mechanical means, especially in a skillful manner: synonym: handle.
- To influence or manage shrewdly or deviously.
- To tamper with or falsify for personal gain.
Interaction, rather than diversity is truly the spice of life in my opinion. It's the fluffy cake and the frosting on top.
My love is worth exactly the value
I place on it, nothing more, nothing less. It has value only because it has value to
me. It has saved me from becoming more of a monster than I have already been, and sometimes it has actually been appreciated by others, as well- that's nice, when it happens... but my loves' only value that matters is to me.
Your last two observations seem to refer almost exclusively to psychopaths. I've known quite a few, and you're right for the most part. That said, such people can be quite efficient to work with, in ways few others can... and I appreciate and hold in high regard some of them for it.
Stay comfy, D swinger.
Maudlin, just to let you know, JSTD is neither a woman nor someone with psychiatric labels so it may be helpful to understand his rather trolling replies in this context.
We understand that - contrary to the ignorant comment above - a psychiatric label does not mean someone is an abuser, and we are here to talk.
Trolls are people too... except when they're bots. lol
JSTD has what many may find an acerbic take on things, but I can appreciate it. In my mind, contrary ideas and opinions are welcome- if for no other reason than to arrive at the fundamentals of abstract concepts, unclouded by personal bias.
That, and I can't help but laugh at a good "trolling".
That being said, does it make you wonder why a normie male would feel the need to respond to a thread that specifically includes only BPD females as it's targeted demographic? lol
Psychiatric labels are what they are. "Abuse", even is just a label for behavior of a sort. What one considers abuse might be, to another, just good kink.
I'm glad you're here. This kind of interaction is sorely needed to help me arrange my thoughts... and I thank you all for it.
as someone thats "abusive" because of my bpd, from an inside perspective its really difficult to deal with. one of the biggest things about bpd is extreme emotions. so, take something that would really really anger you. or make you bawl. and thats what its like all the time. dealing with such a high lvl of everything going on is disorienting and overwhelming. it also doesnt stop. 24/7 something is going on.
my SO left me because i was "abusive" but he came back because after thinking about it he realized i didnt mean it. this is the thing i use to draw a line between my mother and i. is yes, i hurt people sometimes, but unlike her i say sorry. and thats where it turns from an excuse to a reason. (assuming its a legit sorry obviously)
a more positive representation. i really really love my cats, and i couldnt help literally smothering them with love. obviously they didnt like this and would leave so over time i had to teach myself to calm down. that if i only smother them a little bit we can compromise and they wont leave. because of this understanding i can even accomplish "recovery" with my cats. sometimes im a little more rough with them then i should be (they got into something or whatever and ive already told them 50 times). but i always say sorry afterwards and im working on. because of this even though im technically "abusive" my cats still love me and work with me.
after my SO came back i explained to him (and ive also explained to my husband) that my actions have little to do with you even though its "directed" at you. if im asking if you love me, its not because i think you dont, its because i dont understand why you do. when im yelling, i actually mean to be lower then i am. i mean what i say but not really with all the swears and yelling, and depending on what it is, worded differently. but it helps release a lot of stress too, so its difficult to just "tone it down". but they understand and arent taking it as personally, instead giving me hugs and trying to make it better because they know i didnt mean it.
while i understand someone wanting to leave and i wouldnt fault them for it, all id ask is that people blame the illness, not the person. because of my anger ive been hating myself a lot lately, which i think has actually been reflected on the site (ive been saying f'en instead of fucking. see? little steps). we dont need outside people pointing out our flaws, we're typically more then well enough aware (at least if we're questioning things and trying to fix them).
i think i was kind of all over the place and its just my personal dealing with bpd, however considering i relate with what OP posted (aside from the questions because i havent dealt with any of that.) im gonna guess im probably not too far off. and even if i am, youll at least have an understanding that its not always black and white
That insightful little comment helped me more than you know.
"all over the place"? perhaps. But I think I got a glimmer of what it's like inside your mind. Thank you for pulling back the curtains, that I might see.
Seriously. Thank you.