Q
Qdv
Student
- Sep 17, 2019
- 100
Hey guys...this morning I woke up to a message from someone I used to feel so deeply for that made my heart absolutely sink. I know Ive been very withdrawn and have shied away from answering calls, which is something I tend to do when Im extremely depressed. I just cant help it I dont want anyone to sense the awkwardness and discomfort I feel in myself. Just having absolutely nothing to contribute to a convo...so I woke up to a message saying "Hey, prolly gonna block you."
Im sitting in the bathroom at work just holding these tears back. I know hes got selfish tendancies. But I feel so discarded. Not even a "hey youre not yourself lately, you ok?" "We can talk about it if you need to," just...going to block you because you dont entertain me the way you did before. Hes one of the only people that have been reaching out anyway the past two weeks. Ive got one other friend who just moved across the country who calls to chat. I cant handle this emptiness anymore.
I cant handle not knowing how to interact with people, I cant handle feeling so weak and not knowing who I am or how to move through the world. I spend every hour of my day that Im not working in bed. I feel like I cant stop this cycle. For three or four years its only gotten worse. Im crying as I type this I have nothing to live for or look forward to everyday. Ive been extensively researching SN as my method...that or jumping. Ive decided where I would jump. When I try to imagine the feeling of being on that bridge its a mix of terror and anxiety. Im thinking I will go at night as to not cause any commotion.
Im just feeling so numb and desperate lately. My body aches from inactivity, my mind can only think about leaving. I feel that Im too damaged to remotely attempt healing myself. Years of pushing people away, episodes, hospitalizations, substance abuse, toxic relationships. My home environment also toxic. Im an only child and none of us interact and havent for years aside from arguing, it feels like three strangers cohabitating. I know if I were to kill myself at home my parents would know until I missed work. Even though Im empty...its pain to feel this way. No ambition, no direction, no interests. Completely socially debilitated. Everyday the most interaction I have is exchanging platitudes. Ive mastered my tone in saying "good, how are you?" In passing...thats all though. Thats the most interaction I have. I feel like my personality started to change back in college with severe social anxiety...I started avoiding situations and got so adept at it I crippled myself. I dont know what to do except end this. Im afraid to fail with the SN method and Im having challenges finding any anti-emetics. Jumping...I just have to overcome my SI. Ive researched so much...how if you dont die on impact you'll likely drown as your injuries prevent you from resurfacing. I feel so broken today
Im sitting in the bathroom at work just holding these tears back. I know hes got selfish tendancies. But I feel so discarded. Not even a "hey youre not yourself lately, you ok?" "We can talk about it if you need to," just...going to block you because you dont entertain me the way you did before. Hes one of the only people that have been reaching out anyway the past two weeks. Ive got one other friend who just moved across the country who calls to chat. I cant handle this emptiness anymore.
I cant handle not knowing how to interact with people, I cant handle feeling so weak and not knowing who I am or how to move through the world. I spend every hour of my day that Im not working in bed. I feel like I cant stop this cycle. For three or four years its only gotten worse. Im crying as I type this I have nothing to live for or look forward to everyday. Ive been extensively researching SN as my method...that or jumping. Ive decided where I would jump. When I try to imagine the feeling of being on that bridge its a mix of terror and anxiety. Im thinking I will go at night as to not cause any commotion.
Im just feeling so numb and desperate lately. My body aches from inactivity, my mind can only think about leaving. I feel that Im too damaged to remotely attempt healing myself. Years of pushing people away, episodes, hospitalizations, substance abuse, toxic relationships. My home environment also toxic. Im an only child and none of us interact and havent for years aside from arguing, it feels like three strangers cohabitating. I know if I were to kill myself at home my parents would know until I missed work. Even though Im empty...its pain to feel this way. No ambition, no direction, no interests. Completely socially debilitated. Everyday the most interaction I have is exchanging platitudes. Ive mastered my tone in saying "good, how are you?" In passing...thats all though. Thats the most interaction I have. I feel like my personality started to change back in college with severe social anxiety...I started avoiding situations and got so adept at it I crippled myself. I dont know what to do except end this. Im afraid to fail with the SN method and Im having challenges finding any anti-emetics. Jumping...I just have to overcome my SI. Ive researched so much...how if you dont die on impact you'll likely drown as your injuries prevent you from resurfacing. I feel so broken today