I was able to fall asleep for a few hours here and there. Emotional flashbacks are not too bad tonight.
Nights just = misery for me these days though...
My back/arms are really sore...
Ugh nvm my entire body is sore. All I did was clean and take a like 5 min walk
but alas I am starting to accept my body's real capacity. Just makes me feel depressed bc again I'm only 24 and the concept of being young is like being agile but nahhh I get worn out just cleaning
This isn't the life I envisioned for myself. Also depending on new diagnosis I may not even have a very long life expectancy (folks with hEDS have a shorter than average life expectancy plus the aspect of physical capacity waning as one grows older)
But it's the life I have so maybe I'm aiming for acceptance. I dunno.
Its like 4:30am... I have no plans for today. Think ima watch some animes I have watched in the past but haven't watched in awhile. Ones that are funny or calming. Have 2 titles in mind.
Might charge my Amazon Tablet & watch it on there
3 yrs ago my brother bought an Amazon tablet and wasn't used it so now it's mine & he has an IPad so that's good. I made the tablet into a Google tablet by download certain software been worried it needs an update tho but shalll seeee
Maybeeee paint my nails?
Also, I think ima finally unbox the 3DS my friend sent. Im not sure what game is currently in there but she had found & sent a few more sooo that's exciting. It's games like Pokémon & Zelda. Games I used to really be able to seek my head into when I was younger. So generally I'm excited.
Drank some of a cannabis drink. I just realized they work so quickly bc of how my body doesn't really retain liquids unless they are salted
but that works for me in this case the effects last long enough but quick enough for me to sleep/relax.
Rn... even tho things are ok... I feel.. hmmm kinda unhappy about my life in ways. Im not having an ok time adapting to disability. I'm wanting a life less painfully impacted by trauma.
It's like during the day I can just barly keep myself up & away from the emptiness inside me but at night it's all I feel. At night all I want is to end my life.
I'd love to just be here & appreciate the things I mentioned above and I do but at some point within the last yr... I stopped settling for less and started wanting more.
I want more for myself than just bullshit & pain in both emotional & physical form.
Anyway... I'm listening to music & hoping to either ease myself into wakefulness or go back to sleep.
I used to wake up around 5am or 6am regularly. I used to start the morning off with a routine. I used to enjoy the mornings sooo much. So I might try to start waking up early again. Been able to stay up later as of late but eh.. the routine could be helpful. I dunno.
How do I explain that I am both alive & dead in ways... how am I both trying but beyond my capacity.
It's an odd place to be these days. I could kill myself but I also both do want & don't want to.
A part of me hates myself for engaging & getting close to people again. Like if I have a deathwish wtf am I doing?
There's a lot of things that make me unhappy but a lot of things that do still bring me joy.
I felt trapped in survival mode and unable to have joyous moments for very long. Still am a little but coming outta it slowly.
With the help of expensive ass cannabis.
glad it works. Forever worried about finances.
And yeee the sun is gonna start rising soon soo ima either keep listening to music, maybe get something to eat, maybe go back to sleep shall seeeee
I don't even per say mind waking up early and going to bed early. Gonna start planning my day ahead of time bc it makes ot easier to navigate.
Too many choices = ADHD paralysis and not enough planned = Autism frustration
Anyway many thoughts... jus... getting by.
As someone who takes a VERY large dose of buspar (honestly it just makes me dizzy, same symptoms as being drunk), it won't help you sleep, just like being drunk won't. Complain about extreme chronic insomnia and you'll get something to help if you're not scared of sleeping medication, though they are pretty dangerous. If you have a definite plan to ctb try to get ambien.
Buspar helps me sleep bc it helps my body get unstuck from emotional flashbacks & calms my anxiety. It does make me dizzy too but also forces me to eat.
My doctor is aware of my sleep issues & I've tried a bunch of sleeping pills they didn't work. Im already on clonazapam. She'll never prescribe ambien. The one time I tried it in the hospital it gave me hella vivid dreams sooo yee thnx for the suggestions but rn I'm aware of what works/doesn't work for my body. I wish I had a sleeping pill that worked but cannabis gets the job done enough most nights... kinda?
Im hoping to get properly diagnosed with narcolepsy or idiopathic hypersomnia and get the option of trying Xyrem or Xywav bc that'll most likely help me sleep but my 2nd sleep test isn't until September.
I'm afraid to sleep, cause I hating seeing my memories, like ffs I want to sleep, not re see my entire life and my mistakes
Yeahh I totally get this. When im.super stressed the narcoleptic symptoms are more intense (Hypnogogic hallucinations (hallucinations as one falls asleep) sleep paralysis etc) this week I had an hallucinations that a man was on top of me. It's shit like that that really freaks me out
My Hypnogogic hallucinations are usually just sounds so still disturbing but not as much so.
Plus vivid dreams/night mares. Some medication can help with those. (Prasozin, clonidine etc) beta-blocker type meds.
Tryna fall asleep and having to experience lifes mistakes/shitty memories is so rough. It just makes sleep feel half ass sometimes too.. so I feel ya & srry u experience similar
I hope ur able to find something that can help ya
