Venting Wish I'd come here before it was too late

[LonelyKitten]

It's strange. I stumbled upon this forum while searching methods after my life had already gone too far down the drain.

Engaging with the forum more now, though it's been short, it's something new to me.
People aren't just nice, there is a lack of that autopilot response of forcing you to keep living - quality of life is prioritized.

I've thought it'd be better for me to die than live since early childhood.
"I want to die. The life I got is not worth living out. I've too much suffering. This is because of practical, tangible issues I face in my life. My quality of life is/will be awful, if we look at things realistically."
Outside of the context of severe physical illness, I didn't get to witness or have open discussions about these kind of thoughts, of death being considered as an acceptable choice to ease suffering, rather than dismissed by default.
These key thoughts had to remain hidden, for fear of lock-up, or the same old robotic pro-life responses. So they went untouched, never changing.

Now that the time is drawing closer, and I'm learning more about methods up-front. Just how hard it is to actually die.
I wish I'd tried harder at living when I still had the chance to.
I managed to flee my abusive family situation & horrid birth country when I was 18. Landed in a better life that had genuine promise.
Not easy. Not honey wonderland. But it at least had ANY future potential for improvement instead of none.

Deep down though, I'd already given up on my life from a longer-term perspective.
I eventually stopped fighting to keep up what I needed to continue that life. I crumbled, always worrying in the back of my mind that I deserved to die, was a useless burden, and can't succeed, no matter what. I resigned myself to having to go perish in hell, isolated and in misery.

Gave up on my dreams while claiming to be happy on the outside, to make it easier for others. Wanted to leave behind a few things before I went.
In reality, I returned in full depression, re-exposing myself to childhood trauma to force myself to ctb. Genuinely believing I deserved or "had to" end like that.
By now, the Residency's lapsed, so that's it. Can't go back home, ever. I felt devastated, the more I came to properly grasp what I had done.
I became unable to keep up the happy facade anymore.

Only suffering or dying remains. People I know don't get it. Nothing can help me anymore, except to stop suffering. It won't just "get better" somehow.
As it turns out now though, fighting to die may be just as hard as fighting to live was. How stupid of me. Just... stupid.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find those pro-life responses to be incredibly insensitive, in general I just find the whole concept of pro-life to be absurd as it's our life, our decision and only we are the only ones trapped with ourselves. Wishing to prevent unnecessary suffering by taking control over our inevitable fate will always be valid, it's a personal decision deciding when to leave and it just shows a lack of compassion how people refuse to recognise that. But anyway best wishes.

 

[F&Inside]

LonelyKitten. Only you know the cards you have been dealt to play this game of life. As much as you fight, in the end, those have been your cards, your life, what you have had to live. Only you can determine if you do not want to continue in those conditions. It's something I think about, depressed or not. Good luck.

 

[flowers in the mist]

Hi,

I wish you never went through the pain you are describing.. Experiencing things like that since childhood really is so unfair.
I must say I am impressed by you leaving it behind and starting a new life, no matter the outcome I think that is courageous.

Sadly most people will not understand these feelings and I feel it is almost impossible to have discussions like these without being looked down upon or getting forced "help". It is quite tragic that it has to be that way and I wish the world was different and more open.

I wish you the best and may you find clarity in your path forward.