Venting Wish I could tell someone IRL

[willitpass]

The way I'm living is not sustainable. I am self harming worse and worse by the day. I'm so desperate to die but apparently some god forsaken force is determined to keep me here despite the fact statistically should not be alive multiple times over. There are no treatment options available to me that I have not tried. I spent almost my entire life in talk there, every type and subtype available. I tried too many meds to count. Even ECT. Anything that is available by insurance and within a reasonable distance I've tried. And most of it left me with more trauma than help. No one in my life knows how I'm doing right now because it would just put me in the hospital, the one thing I swear I will never, ever do again. Those places are barbaric. I am not going to be abused and maltreated by the claim of "keeping me safe" ever fucking again. I just want to break down to a real person. Someone here with me. And I can't. I've thought about getting a therapist again, but if I'm fully honest with them I will end up right in the hospital and there is no point in going if I'm not being 100% honest. I've even considered going to confession even though I'm not catholic but apparently they can break their oath if you're considered a danger to yourself. There is nothing I can do. And it hurts so horribly.

 

[SVEN]

I'm very sorry that we are the only (poor) resource to whom you can turn. All I can say is that most members here can understand and empathise with the fact that you've endured too much and are at your wit's end with no one to turn to.
Best wishes.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I can't even imagine how you must feel because I feel just a fraction of that. I think everyone assumes I'm doing fine but half the time I just wanna scream something out like hey I joined a suicide forum!
It's a really lonely feeling and with all you've been through in the last couple of months I really feel for you. So much has happened with you lately and you must really need to let it out at this point somewhere other than sasu. But know we are always here for you.