Wish I could tell people how I really feel

[tiredandconfused]

It's so hard living a lie. I always feel I have to tell people what they want to hear. Even if I feel like giving up and my head is in a dark place, I know that I can't be honest and tell people. It almost feels like a double life. I act like I'm strong and that even though it's hard I'll keep trying. What I really want to say is this. No I'm not ok. I don't want to hold on, I want to give up. I think now I've made the decision to ctb soon, I'm more at peace. The people around me think im getting better but really it couldn't be further from the truth. But it's ok. Its my time to go. I want this but I wish I could be honest with people.

 

[UKscotty]

I used to feel the same then I realised when I did open up people didnt care and I just then became a burden for them to worry about.
Everyone has their own lives, I think the old 'are you ok?' saying is just society questions, they dont really want a proper answer.

 

[tiredandconfused]

You're so right. So many people ask that. I don't think they're being disingenuous but if we were to answer honestly with the brutal truth they wouldn't know what to say.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do believe that it would be much better if we existed in a world where suicide isn't so stigmatised and people could be open about their plans to ctb without the fears of others interfering. After all, death is the most normal thing ever and there could never be anything wrong with not wishing to delay the inevitable.
But sadly, this society places so much emphasis and value on something so useless and insignificant as life, and as a inevitable consequence of this suicidal people will just suffer more. Your feelings are completely understandable and it must be so tiring having to pretend around others.

 

[Wannagonow]

Living a lie is what alot of us have to do. You're not alone. Also, those who ask questions aren't always looking to hear an answer. It's just stupid pleasantries people feel they have to go thru. I hope you're able to work thru this and find some peace.

 

[tiredandconfused]

Thank you all for your responses. It's nice to hear from people who understand. Especially when everyone around me wouldn't.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I know what you mean. There are certain people in my life I know I could never tell (like my family.) Still, I do have one friend in particular who I know feels the same way. I do want to tell her how close I am- that I do intend to do it. Still- it's not something you can take back- once it's out. Most especially if you let them know you have a plan/the means to do it... You really don't know how they'll react. They may inform the authorities (believing they are acting in your best interests.)

With my friend- part of me worries it will influence her to do the same and buy the items ready. Whereas I feel it has to be a personal decision in which you find somewhere like here on your own and source the materials for your method on your own.

Other than that, I have also had long lost family members and other distant relatives get in touch over the Christmas period. It's troubling because I don't want to make new connections or reinforce old ones. I feel like it would be better for them if I'm not in touch (if I CTB.) Also- the same as you- I have to pretend to be half way normal and it's such a strain!

 

[tiredandconfused]

Thank you for your message. It's really hard. There's some comfort for me knowing that I'm not alone in this feeling. I find myself avoiding commitments or plans because I don't want to feel guilty for giving up.
I live in a womens refuge for domestic violence. It's my fourth one now. The staff are so kind and I can see it's more than a job for them. But this has made it harder for me. I don't like talking because I don't want to worry them. But I've taken all that I can.

 

[spinningmyself]

I have been feeling this way for quite a while so finding this site is very comforting. I am very new here, but already feel relief and hope of being able to say how I feel without being told I can't say something like that, it is wrong! I am not able to be honest with anyone in my family. The few times I have said something I have had to play it off like I was joking. It is just very hard and sad not being able to talk about my true feelings. I found this site after looking things up and reading an article about how this site should be taken down. I am very grateful that it was not gone. I don't think people realize how comforting this is to people who have no other places or people to talk to. They just tell you go see a doctor they can help you, to me all they do is want to put you on some medication. I do not see how that would help me personally. Knowing I am not alone and that I am not wrong in how I feel is very comforting.