Venting Will the courage ever come...

[blivogade]

I'm not religious or spiritual but i find myself begging any higher force up there that will listen to give me enough courage to finally ctb properly, ive had half assed attempts before, unsurprisingly none of which have worked. My chosen method is full suspension, im not scared of death, i dont know what i am scared of. Maybe the unknown? what scares me more is the future. I know realistically thinking i will never be able to live a proper fulfilled life, im plagued by my mental illnesses and trauma, and haunted by the death of someone i once knew. I know from here on it gets worse and that im not actually living right now. I'm just passing time. Procrastinating my death if you will. I know the strength will come from me and me only, no one is going to do it for me, i have to do it myself. I do not want to fight, i dont want help or sympathy, i just wish more than anything my SI would cease and id finally be able to go in peace. Will it ever come, will i ever get the strength, i wish there was a way to know.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Very well put- I feel the same.

 

[Miserable]

Feeling you so much

 

[MissNietzsche]

It's okay to be afraid <3

 

[SerenitySeeker]

I can totally relate to feeling like you're procrastinating your death. I wish I had an answer for you, for all of us. But I think everyone is different and it's hard to know what has to take place for someone to really bypass SI and seriously attempt and succeed. I know it sucks to feel stuck and in limbo. Just this morning I was preparing to seriously attempt but SI intervened and I just decided to go to sleep smh.

 

[Ark]

Personally, I don't feel it is about overcoming fear, at least for me. Once I thought it all through and honestly realized my issues were things that were not going to get better no matter what I did, and that CTB was the only way I would no longer feel pain, all of my fears subsided. I wonder if sometimes hope doesn't disguise itself as SI or fear of death. If your SI or guilt or anything else is that strong maybe you should take some time and really think about things. Maybe it is hope somewhere deep inside you, and if it is, maybe things can get better.

I am by no means a pro lifer, as I am heading out 100%. But, I do believe we should consider all options, really look at ourselves and our lives, and try really hard to listen to what our hearts tell us before we makethat decision. Trust me, I did.

 

[kkatt]

Fear of the unknown is completely normal and means you are,in fact,human.

 

[chrijo]

These/your questions torment me the most. I also don't know why I'm still here, there's no rational reason to go on living.

It's okay to be afraid of the unknown - the infinite "nothing".

You're not alone with this and thank you for sharing :-)

 

[Moonicide]

I hope you all find peace, whether it is finding a reason to live or finally sleeping forever.

 

[realjunes]

Personally, I don't feel it is about overcoming fear, at least for me. Once I thought it all through and honestly realized my issues were things that were not going to get better no matter what I did, and that CTB was the only way I would no longer feel pain, all of my fears subsided. I wonder if sometimes hope doesn't disguise itself as SI or fear of death. If your SI or guilt or anything else is that strong maybe you should take some time and really think about things. Maybe it is hope somewhere deep inside you, and if it is, maybe things can get better.

I am by no means a pro lifer, as I am heading out 100%. But, I do believe we should consider all options, really look at ourselves and our lives, and try really hard to listen to what our hearts tell us before we makethat decision. Trust me, I did.

Ark, I think you are onto it. I don't believe in a "higher power" in the theological sense, but I like the way you put it. Is SI disguising itself as "hope?" Or as I wonder, is SI the "higher power" in disguise.
I think it must be because regardless of which religion one follows, on no religion followed, no matter where in the world people are, they most times experience SI, which feels like a higher power for sure.

 

[Ark]

I believe though that if your situation is truly hopeless, that there is honestly no getting better, that your quality of life is honestly and truly non existent, than you can overcome SI with logical and calm thinking and processing. Once I went through that process I was very at peace with my decision.

 

[SerenitySeeker]

I believe though that if your situation is truly hopeless, that there is honestly no getting better, that your quality of life is honestly and truly non existent, than you can overcome SI with logical and calm thinking and processing. Once I went through that process I was very at peace with my decision.

Agreed. I also believe and this is by no means me trying to put words in anyone's mouth that if the method that someone chooses leaves them with any doubt or fear.. it will be a challenge that has nothing to do with hope or doubts. If death was as easy and easily, safely attainable for everyone as just taking something and going to sleep, it wouldn't even be as big of a hurdle to jump for majority of us.

 

[Ark]

You are absolutely correct. I would definitely not be as at ease if I had to CTB in a way I do not want to. This was, and is, a possibility for me, and the thought of it scares me.

 

[Meant2Die]

Spiritual ramblings in this post. Skip it if not interested :)
I think we are scared of dying bc we think it will be painful and bc it's the unknown. Since I believe in the after life I've been watching a lot of videos on near death experiences and such in order to become more familiar with where I'm going when I ctb. One video really helped to put dying into perspective for me in that it explained how we are from an early age trained to be afraid of death and everything around it. Even i, who believes there's more after this has this idea that death is to be feared. Well in this video the guy goes onto explain how the day you die should be called Continuation Day bc our soul never dies, it just moves on to another place. Obv I already knew this but the way he explained it comforted me.
Another video talked about how culturally we hide death to the point that if you wanted to see a dead body you would be considered crazy, whereas in the olden days or more primitive cultures people are closed to death and dead bodies and so the fear of the unknown is gone. If we could get used to the idea that a dead body is just a lifeless shell it would be easier. A lot of the time people who go to a funeral will look at an open casket and just see a body, but not feel the soul of the person. In that moment they understand we are more than the body and when it dies, we (the soul) move on. That spark aka soul of the person is gone and we can feel that so where has it gone? Back to the source as far as I'm concerned.

So now when I look to the future and my ctb day it doesn't feel like this scary, dark, unknown end, The way you would draw a line on a piece of paper that represents your life and then suddenly it stops. No. Now I feel more like The way you do when you know vacation is coming or when youre moving, it's just a feeling that I'll be in a different place, but I (me) will still BE somewhere.

 

[SerenitySeeker]

Spiritual ramblings in this post. Skip it if not interested :)
I think we are scared of dying bc we think it will be painful and bc it's the unknown. Since I believe in the after life I've been watching a lot of videos on near death experiences and such in order to become more familiar with where I'm going when I ctb. One video really helped to put dying into perspective for me in that it explained how we are from an early age trained to be afraid of death and everything around it. Even i, who believes there's more after this has this idea that death is to be feared. Well in this video the guy goes onto explain how the day you die should be called Continuation Day bc our soul never dies, it just moves on to another place. Obv I already knew this but the way he explained it comforted me.
Another video talked about how culturally we hide death to the point that if you wanted to see a dead body you would be considered crazy, whereas in the olden days or more primitive cultures people are closed to death and dead bodies and so the fear of the unknown is gone. If we could get used to the idea that a dead body is just a lifeless shell it would be easier. A lot of the time people who go to a funeral will look at an open casket and just see a body, but not feel the soul of the person. In that moment they understand we are more than the body and when it dies, we (the soul) moves on. That spark aka soul of the person is gone and we can feel that so where has it gone? Back to the source as far as I'm concerned.

^^ we have this in common as I have been doing the same thing, more reading than watching.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I believe though that if your situation is truly hopeless, that there is honestly no getting better, that your quality of life is honestly and truly non existent, than you can overcome SI with logical and calm thinking and processing. Once I went through that process I was very at peace with my decision.

I envy you that. I still have a very well developed SI. I suspect it won't do me any favours in the long run.

 

[Ark]

And I envy those that have hope. It is sad the way things work out for people in general.

 

[Daniela]

I had a breakdown, I am so scared and rushed. I wish I didn't buy SN the same month as news SN online vendors are supposedly getting curtailed appeared here. I wish there were consistent reporting regarding SN that isn't freshly bought. I am at peace with the method. I wish I had experienced the peace many report over receiving it in the mail, secure in the knowledge they can use it and die whenever they want. Since I am afraid SN going bad, I am rushing with a pounding heart. I am not broken enough, or brave enough.

 

[Death.]

I have read that the courage will come when the pain of life exceeds the fear of death

 

[Arskam]

I have read that the courage will come when the pain of life exceeds the fear of death

That s so true