Will it get easier? +Vent

[Alek1=]

Will it ever get easier to ctb?
Sorry for the messy writing—I'm always kind of emotional.

I'm just going to vent here, if you don't mind. Feel free to respond, though.

I've had SN for a while now, and I also have a place in mind to ctb. I'm an online tutor, and most of my tutees (is that the right word?) have important exams next month. I know I'm fooling myself and just dragging things out, but I'm so scared to commit. I don't hate my life, I don't hate myself, and I don't hate the world.

Last week, my closest friend organized a meet-up with around 25 people from our old school. It was amazing—except for a few moments. I got a little drunk, and even though I almost never do that, I fucking cried. Multiple times. In private. Not because I was sad or anything—just because I realized how much I LOVE this world. I love the people I know, and even those I don't (yes, you ALL). I love my life. I love myself. I love my family. I love my university.

But I'm just not built for this society. I'm constantly scared—scared of people, scared of speaking in class, scared to email professors, scared to go shopping, for god's sake. I keep screwing up my life because of this. I already did once, and now I'm doing it again. I gave myself a chance. I was on a very high dosage of meds. I've been to therapy (not often, I couldn't afford much), and I've been hospitalized. They couldn't fix me. I can't fix myself.

I don't want to die. I know there are people who will miss me. People I'll traumatize. People who depend on me. People whom I promised never to hurt myself. But I can't take it any longer. I'm scared. Always scared. And I can't even kill myself with dignity.

I don't know what to do. And now I'm almost crying on a train like a fucking baby.
But it was worth writing this. :,)

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think I can relate at least partially to what you experience. It's not entirely crippling for me but, it is deeply unpleasant. I have similar anxieties about interacting with people, working etc.

Have you ever considered assertiveness training? Something like that? Rather than just someone you can describe your problems to, something more practical- that gives you tools to better cope in those situations.

Honestly- looking back, social anxiety and confidence around others is really something I should have worked on. It's held me back tremendously in life. As it is, I pandered to my own fears. I found ways to avoid the things that frightened me. I work from home for example. I'm sure that will have only intensified the fear though- if I find I have to face it again.

It likely wouldn't be easy of course and, perhaps I've gotten the wrong impression here. I'm not doubting how bad this is for you. However, seeing as you do seem to enjoy certain aspects of life, I wonder if it is worth trying to get some support/ training to cope better with the parts that are so difficult/ unpleasant. I hope you find a way to make things more easy to cope with.