Venting will i never be free of my many eating disorders??

[underscore]

its dawning on me that i been doing this shit/feigning recovery 4 the last decade or so. insanity. i nvr got real help & still dont plan on it atm, the title is mostly rhetorical. how long have yall been dealing with ur ed & are u in recovery? how many attempts were made before long-term physical health/"normal" eating was possible 4 u?

 

[iamalreadydead]

I've had mine going on 6 years and in April I finally hit my low weight for the first time in a while, now I'm back up 20 lbs and don't really regret the refeeding I've done. I've just stopped caring. Don't know if it's bc of feeling suicidal and not caring or if life is just genuinely better when I'm not starving. Regardless it has taken a very long time to not care. But I think it gets easier when you realize starving isn't sustainable and doing it doesn't really prove anything- like, you're not any pure-er or prettier or stronger by starving yourself since really, anyone can do that. It's a lot harder to do the weight loss or muscle gain healthily, so that's what I tell myself whenever I want to relapse. It's done nothing but ruin my life.